Corrupt-a-Wish

Granted, in the age of global surveillance self-control is king.

I wish the NSA stopped spying on us.

2 Likes

Granted!

Ever since the mandatory Streaming4Lyfe act of 2036, surveillance agencies worldwide have been replaced with data-sifters, video-ciphers, audiologists, artifact-interpreters, and the like – all from the private sector.

I wish I could shut this d**n thing off.

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How about this one:
http://brunching.com/yourroommate.html

1 Like

Granted. You press the off button and, I wi… The game continues without you anyway…

I wish I knew which way was up.

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Granted. You now know which way is up. It’s in the opposite direction of the ground, which you are now heading towards at terminal velocity.

I wish for an Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device.

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Well, you did get a nice box labeled ASHPD, but you wondered why it was delivered in a refrigerated truck, until you discovered there’d been a mix-up and your eagerly-awaited purchase was actually Artisanally Shaped Handmade Pizza Dough. You had invited friends over to see your new toy, so you cancelled that order of take-out wings and tossed together some artisanal-type pizza toppings, and the dough wasn’t all that bad as pizza dough goes, really, plus one of your friends brought some beer, so things kinda worked out okay for the evening, anyway, more or less…you guess.

I wish I had better internet service at home, that would show me all the great animated gifs on this site without taking forevvvvvvvvvvver to download them.

Granted! You new Xfinity++ Overthruster package rams a spike through your skull and uploads all existing internet content (both the “light” and the “dark” nets, as well as the secret “fuschia” and ultra-top-secret “chartreuse-plaid” nets) directly into your cortex. Since your Premier package included both a DVR, hands-free remote, and the Google-Vu DeepDayDream app, everything (including your memories) now looks like it’s been run through this:

Hope you like dogs…


I wish somebody would train DeepDream on something other than a predominance of dogs and birds…

5 Likes

Granted. DeepDream now draws dicks on everything instead

I wish I were 15 years younger

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Granted. You are now sent back fifteen years into a stable time loop. You will experience the same fifteen years over and over and over for all eternity, subconsciously becoming increasingly horrified at your inability to make even the smallest change to the timeline, but consciously unaware of anything except an unexplained sense of dread when considering the future.

I wish for more willpower.

3 Likes

With your newly gained willpower, you quit your job, remain unemployed for 6 months, living on a bowl of rice a day.

At least you don’t have to cook rice over your gas burner in a packet of fiber jelly.

After realising this, Nasubi becomes your role model. You will not quit your new found lifestyle until you get on a Japanese game show.

You do not get onto any Japanese game shows.

I wish it was easier to peel chickpeas when making hummus.

2 Likes

Granted. You now have plenty of willpower!

Unfortunately, you don’t have any will-to-power so while you can pass on those fries and second slice of cheesecake, you don’t really achieve much with your life.

I wish I didn’t need to pee right now.


[waaaah! this didn’t post yesterday!]

dear g-tt im himmel:

After Nasubi was finally given his clothes back on day 335, he tried them on, decided they felt weird, then took them back off.


I think yesterday’s need to pee corrupted my ability to hit the Reply button accurately, so:

Granted! Only now you can’t post to the BBbbs. Mwah-hah-hah-hah! Also, we need your clothes.

Granted. Chickpeas have now evolved to become easier to peel. However, this same evolution has left them vulnerable to a fungal infection, and all chickpeas will be extinct within the next year. Enjoy it while you can.

Granted! Your pants, however, are now quite wet.

I wish for eternal life, youth, and health.

5 Likes

Granted. Feeling pain is part of being healthy, which you unfortunately realise when the Sun uses up the last of it’s hydrogen and expands to incinerate the Earth. Don’t worry, it only lasts for a billion years.

I wish I was feeling capable of making myself some coffee.

7 Likes

Granted. You FEEL capable; however, a blight has demolished the world’s crop of coffee beans and so now you’re ready to grind and pour but all that’s available are the various Confederate coffee substitutes (google for recipes…if you like to be horrified).

I wish I had the summer I planned rather than the summer I got.

5 Likes

Granted. On the first day of autumn, the timeline will change so that this summer went exactly how you planned it. However, your memories of the summer will not change: you still remember the summer going exactly as it has so far. You will soon be committed to a psychiatric institution due to your insistence on describing events that no one else remembers happening.

I wish that I will experience more comfortable weather for the next week, instead of what has been currently forecast.

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Granted: You’re experiencing delightfully warm yet not too humid weather, and it’s great: You take off your shirt and plan to spend the whole week in your cargo shorts and Jesus sandals. Unfortunately, the weather you’re experiencing represents the hypothermia-induced hallucinations of your dying brain, caused by the severe windchill of the arctic weather that was correctly forecast.

I wish for a holiday

4 Likes

Granted. You get Ramadan. No food or water during daylight hours when you work and are awake. Enjoy.

I wish I knew how to be happy.

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The moment you make the wish, you realize you already do know how to be happy, its just your fears that have been holding you back all these years. The genie merely looks at you and leaves without saying a word. Nothing has changed, Wish granted.

I wish I didn’t need to work.

4 Likes

You hear a loud knock on your door, you think to yourself, I just got "SWAT"ed by my stupid gamer friends. LOL

Well … sort of… you regret purchasing all those commercial airplane manuals… at least the trip to Guantanamo only takes a few hours.

I wish Mickey Mouse Club House was not playing in the background

2 Likes