Punch through windows, cut through seatbelts, and more with the $12.99 StatGear Rescue Knife

Of course not. Seat belts are for wimps.

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Which chase? Is that the car chase where the cars go racing down the mountainside and blow up?

  1. Who cares, if you can punch through windows, cut through seatbelts and jump clear just out of frame before the final, furious fireball??!?!
  2. Steeple-chase; nothing handicaps a horse like a StatGear Rescue Knife.

Right, right. Got to punch this copy up a bit. Let’s see, keep it relatable…


It’s a typical Saturday and so you’re racing your million dollar racerhorse :horse: down the mountainside into a mighty horse crash and just in time you grab all

Five :sparkles: :star2: StatGear Rescue Knives :star2: :sparkles:

out of all your pockets and belt clips and punch out the Horse’s WINDOWS and CUT THROUGH THE HORSE SEAT BELTS AND LEAP CLEAR before it bursts into flames and turns into a dragon-:carousel_horse:-phoenix and flies away!


What do you think? Too bland? Needs the sex scene? It needs more explosions, doesn’t it? Can we get Michael Bay? We really need him to film the infomercial.

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MOAR ACTION PLZ
:gun::gun::gun::skull_and_crossbones::skull_and_crossbones::skull_and_crossbones::crossed_swords::crossed_swords::crossed_swords:

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Is the StatGear Rescue Knife available in spoon format?

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StatGear Rescue Spork?

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Absolutely not! Spoons are dangerous!

Ungoverned spoon possession will surely lead to spooning, and also to complex extended metaphors, and who knows what that could lead to?

Take no chances! If you see a spoon lying around improperly secured, you should immediately cut it into pieces with your StatGear Rescue Knife.

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  1. Is a StatGear Rescue Knife sharp enough to cut a spoon into pieces?
  2. If a StatGear Rescue Knife is sharp enough to cut a spoon into pieces, and StatGear Rescue Knife is used to cut a spoon into pieces, how will I pick up all the pieces afterwards?
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If StatGear Rescue Knife can quite literally cut through anything, does it cut through itself?

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This is great! It’s too bad everybody in my neighborhood has already asked me repeatedly to stop punching through their windows and cutting their seatbelts when they’re just parking in their driveway.

“Can’t be too sure,” I like to say!

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If I get two, can I cut through my StatGear Rescue Knife with my StatGear Rescue Knife?

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#Don’t cross the streams!

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How else would you sharpen a StatGear Rescue Knife but with another StatGear Rescue Knife? This knife is way more than just a blade and handle, it’s a bona fide sharpening beast. You can sharpen any blade to a cutting edge so perfect it’s bananas. As an added bonus you cut right through any argument for the superiority of belt grinders as sharpeners and win every argument on the Internet stat.

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At least my StatGear Rescue Knife was cheaper than the Large Hadron Collider.

I just cut the protons up until I had a Higgs boson.

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The crazy-bananas awesome part of sharpening a StatGear Rescue Knife is that you can sharpen it with a banana - just look at it!

 

BONUS: the banana itself becomes super-sharp!!!

WARNING: the image below contains Musa acuminata-related violence, and may not be suitable for viewers currently suffering from the “bunchy top” virus.

 

This gif is from the Tollywood film Singam 1 2 3.

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That is the most perfect video to illustrate the incredible sharpening power of the StatGear Rescue Knife to hone a banana into a deadly slicing weapon that I have ever seen - just look at it.

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And now we get our huge disappointments from Kickstarter.

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I had forgotten how much I wanted a vacation on Knife-crime Island.

#A little slice of paradise!

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