TOM THE DANCING BUG: Percival Dunwoody, Idiot Time-Traveler From 1909

Oh, personally I’d go back even further stopping the various Roman raids.

I had a 3rd grade teacher who, during a class-wide blindfolded taste test intended to illustrate the flavor areas of the tongue, gave me coffee instead of sugar. I’d go back in time and stop her.

You can’t do that, she was there as part of the Time Patrol’s Least Intervention Squad (aka the Butterfly Brigade). It turns out, that taste experiment was the smallest possible change at the earliest possible moment that prevents you from becoming a genocidal madman.

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And to think I was this close! Foiled again!

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This really happened.

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Word to the wise for aspiring time travelers: It’s not necessary to kill young Hitler. Just ensure he gets a scholarship to a really good art school.

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I’ve looked into it, that’s dangerous advice. In most timelines, it leads to a chain of events where Dali melts 80% of Spain’s population with a bioweapon/art project. It’s very complicated, not a straight line shot, as best we can determine, while attempting to pursue a career in the field, he does some columns for a newspaper critiquing art, and says something about some artist that somehow influences someone who somehow influences Dali. Hard to unravel because the historical documentation on the nobodies is so spotty.

I mean, the plan CAN work, but immediately after Hitler graduates art school you have to hook him up with, and make sure he impregnates, a poor girl so he decides to get a more respectable job to support them. Then you have to get him that respectable job so he doesn’t find somebody to blame his lack of success on.

And, I dunno, making a mission of getting Hitler laid and then well-employed seems to turn off a lot of prospective time-alterers.

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