I hear you. It can be confusing and I’ve definitely gotten it wrong in the past.
As a general rule of thumb, when someone from the culture I’m borrowing from tells me that it is offensive, insulting or inappropriate, I believe them.
The power dynamic is a critical element here. I don’t know your makeup, but white Americans, even the most unfortunate of us, stand on a base of privilege built on the backs of generations of non-whites. One basic way of recognizing that is by heeding them when they say something we’re doing is hurtful, and stopping doing that thing.
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