I’ve been there, though only during one dark period, so it sounds like you’re wrestling something much bigger.
I have just a few things to say, in the hope that they might be of some use:
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I’m sure there’s a neurochemical rut one falls into that makes it difficult to deal with these thoughts and feelings. I get it: It’s not that you’re not trying. This is not your fault, and there’s nothing wrong with you. But there’s a medical component to this experience, and you can try treatments for it.
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That said, I think one’s imagination also gets broken during these times: Not being able to imagine things ever being better says nothing about what’s possible and everything about the limited perspective you’re trapped in. All the best things in my life happened after my suicidal period, and these great things would have been completely unimaginable to me then. But here I am. I almost made the biggest of mistakes.
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Please ask for help. People really want to help you, even though you may find it impossible to feel others right now. I wasn’t thinking about anyone else when I wanted to leave, and now it takes my breath away to imagine how deeply and permanently I would have hurt them – my mom, my dad, my brother, my friends. And I have been hurt this way by someone I loved. It’s a terrible, terrible thing to do to others.
Please give your future self a chance. We’re not here forever, regardless of how things end, but there are better days for you to enjoy before then. Please search for a local or national support line and call it. Or even take yourself to a hospital; my experience of ER was that they were a bag of dicks (they gave me more pills and sent me home), but because of my admission I was hooked up with a counselling service that started me back to being well again.
I wish you all the best.
