This is some bullshit, @daneel. Whaddaya doing reading Country Squire Magazine? I thought Sir Gonville De’Ath was just a fictional character!
Well, anyway:
1 Negotiates airports with ease - Sure, no sweat. I actually love airports, and am always pleased to be at one.
2 Never lets a door slam in someone’s face - Well, duh. I’m even polite to the Witlesses.
3 Can train a dog and a rose - I’ve trained a dog and a bonsai cypress. Roses are for the unimaginative.
4 Is aware that facial hair is temporary, but a tattoo is permanent - That’s a rather low bar to clear. My kindergartner knows that.
5 Knows when not to say anything - ABJECT FAILURE
6 Wears his learning lightly - Such as it is. Actually, no.
7 Possesses at least one well-made dark suit, one tweed suit and a dinner jacket - This is dumb. It assumes no gentlemen exist in Southern California, nor were born later than 1949.
8 Avoids lilac socks and polishes his shoes - I only polish the shoes that need polishing, and rarely at that. “Avoids lilac socks”? You can carelessly stumble through three lifetimes and never accidentally get near lilac socks. Sounds like a solution in search of a problem.
9 Turns his mobile to silent at dinner - Another depressingly low bar.
10 Carries house guests’ luggage to their rooms - And again out to their car upon departure.
11 Tips staff in a private house and a gamekeeper in the shooting field - Uh, sure. Somehow I think Carson would be gravely insulted. Someone’s being unnecessarily pretentious.
12 Says his name when being introduced - Unless one doesn’t want to be remembered, of course.
13 Breaks a relationship face to face - That’s just decency in general.
14 Is unafraid to speak the truth - And that’s simpleminded nonsense. Sometimes the truth is to be feared, and handled with gentle compassion.
15 Knows when to clap - And isn’t the first one to do so, if you ask me.
16 Arrives at a meeting five minutes before the agreed time - But doesn’t linger in an obvious fashion near the door, making the host feel the need to hurry.
17 Is good with waiters - Yeah, that’s true.
18 Has two tricks to entertain children - All my tricks are to entertain children. Er, uh, except for that one weird one.
19 Can undo a bra with one hand - Once again, an awfully low bar.
20 Sings lustily in church - Nope. Gentlemen have better things to do with their time. Whittling, volunteering, drawing comic books, changing the air in their tires, cleaning out the garbage disposal, fornicating, trying on shoes… all are good alternatives, and one can sing as lustily as one wants in the meanwhile.
21 Is not vegetarian - Mindless non sequitur.
22 Can sail a boat and ride a horse - Nope. Privileged pantywaists sail boats, as do perfectly non-gentlemanly women. Same with the horses.
23 Knows the difference between Glenfiddich and Glenda Jackson - Ah. Hence the tweed. I do believe the Gents are dying out.
24 Never kisses and tells - Only to you lot.
25 Cooks an omelette to die for - No such thing. But my omelet will get you through the morning.
26 Can prepare a one match bonfire - Yeah, but not as reliably as my father-in-law. But he’s had more practice.
27 Seeks out his hostess at a party - Who else there is gonna know who the hell I am?
28 Knows when to use an emoji - Pfft. Nobody who knows who Glenda Jackson is knows what an emoji is.
29 Would never own a Chihuahua - Not true. Sane people wouldn’t, but not all gentlemen are sane.
30 Has read Pride and Prejudice - Like You, @daneel, I’ve read the zombie one. Certainly close enough.
31 Can tie his own bow tie - Can, but won’t.
32 Would not go to Puerto Rico - Why ever not? Are there whole nations where “gentlemen” should fear to tread?
33 Knows the difference between a rook and a crow - Yeah. Rooks don’t hang out in the WB parking garage.
34 Sandals? No. Never - No, but only because my feet dry out and split if I don’t wear shoes and socks. But if you can’t wear sandals down to the pool because it’s “ungentlemanly,” then you’re insufferably precious.
35 Wears a rose, not a carnation - Under what circumstances in a given week would a gentleman have occasion to wear a flower? If you’re not in a wedding party, you don’t. But yeah, carnations are for 8th-grade sock hops.
36 Swats flies and rescues spiders - Sorry spiders, most of you won’t warrant mercy. The flies, however, get the Bug-A-Salt shotgun.
37 Demonstrates that making love is neither a race nor a competition - Yeah, I’ll buy that.
38 Never blow dries his hair - Another non sequitur.
39 Knows that there is always an exception to a rule - Usually, with a few exceptions.
