That watch works, my man, and stinks, because you brushed it up against your cargo:
You never even opened the box you were transporting? I have known curious types, and I have known uncurious types, and you are definitely one of the curiouser… You didn’t even open the box to see the ALIEN LEG you were moving? Now THAT’S dedication and trustworthiness.
Sure, it was dead. But it possesses, even now in its likely state of desiccation and decay, a heathy dose of techyon radiation. This is an alien-genetically-modified ability to cause electronics in short proximity to self-repair. All you had to do was brush that cheap piece of shit Casio watch next to it, and the battery would recharge itself… took all the electrons on one side of the cell and moved them back to the other side where they belonged… And unshorted some of the circuitry that had fried in the EMP.
ALIEN LEG technology. Completely beyond us. But what do you spoze they were gonna do with it? Just stick it in a museum? Hahahaha. That was going back in Google’s Mojave data center, to fix all the broken shit, to restart the economy. I’m not sure what happened after that, but that’s what happened and why you have such a lovely watch.
Nobody’s got a watch like that these days, you lucky bastard. We have wind-ups. Or the sun, when we can see it through the haze. Or just forget about time and don’t bother. A watch like that back in the day was worth about 50 cents. You could drop two quarters into a slot at the supermarket, twist the dial and get one from the chute in a little plastic bubble.
Now? That thing is easily worth a million gallons.
Why? Because the fully functioning quartz timing mechanism inside it could easily be used to coordinate the phase pulses on a railgun, that’s why.
And if you need me to tell you what we could do with a railgun, I’m going to put your head in an armlock and give you a noogie until a small patch of your perfectly coiffed hair rubs off on my knuckle.
~Uncle Dorcas
