Fuck Today (Part 1)

@AcerPlatanoides pointed me here because I was getting cranky in the pothole thread :wink:

My ex is a textbook sociopath. The last time I spoke to him was almost 2 years ago, where he accused me of, well, basically being a shit parent because our then-16-year-old daughter said something about watching porn. And he cannot IMAGINE how she could possibly have access to PORN because I guess he doesn’t think 16 year olds can figure out the internet or something.

Monday, out of nowhere, he called me because he “got this report card” in the mail and he was “concerned” about [Daughter’s] grades. Now first of all, I don’t know his address and he lives in a different state. So there’s no way I gave the school his information or listed him as someone who should get correspondence from the school. So he didn’t just “happen” to get the report card, he had to actively solicit this information from the school. Secondly, my daughter has a chronic health issue that has, in the last two years, greatly affected her ability to attend school. All that stuff has been hashed out with the school and her doctors and there’s a plan for her going forward. Not that he’d know any of this, since he hasn’t spoken to any of us in two years (and Daughter refuses to talk to him because … well, he’s an asshole.)

I answered the phone because he’s changed his number (again) and I thought it was someone I knew. Just hearing his voice throws me off balance. But then I realized that Daughter is almost 19 and … I don’t actually have to talk to him. So I told him I didn’t want to talk to him and hung up on him. And blocked his new number. :smiley:

But now I have the sinking feeling he’s going to escalate things. He’s very persuasive and he has “friends” in law enforcement and I am afraid he’s going to hassle us with the police or something under the guise of a “wellness check.” I can just see him saying that he hasn’t heard from his daughter and no one will answer the phone and she’s got a chronic illness and can someone please go check on her?

It’s a stress I don’t need, because it’s not like he’ll do anything to help. He’s supposed to provide health insurance and pay 50% of her medical bills and he’s never done either. Mr. Bells has been doing that for the last 13 years. All he’s going to do is harass me with his bullshit “concerns” so he can feel superior. I’m trying to figure out if having Mr. Bells adopt her would cancel out his child support arrears. Because there’s $35,000 that I will probably never see but really hate to give up on. Like I feel like he wins either way: either he gets to keep worming his way in because “I’m her faaaather!” or he gets free of his obligation without further consequences.


Have you checked into the deadbeat dad laws in the state he is now in? They might be more conducive to resolving the situation.

Good for you, hanging up instead of getting sucked in!


Oh, he’s got evading the authorities on this down to a science. They haven’t been able to successfully garnish a paycheck of his for nearly a decade. He either gets paid under the table or finds a new job when DCSS catches up to him. It can take them 6 months or more to find out where he’s working and/or get the garnishment paperwork through, and then he just moves on.

Same thing with jail time or losing his driver’s license. When they catch up to him he makes a token payment or files job search paperwork and gets them off his back for another 6 months. I’ve tried to get a contempt order on his so many times but he’ll cough up just enough money to basically reset the clock on it. So far, the only real consequences are that his credit is ruined (but his credit was shit when I married him, so that’s no change) and he can’t get a passport or maintain a professional license. He’s sore about the passport, but he’s managed to get around the professional license thing with various excuses and lies.

Since our daughter is over 18, she only needs her own consent to be adopted. He wouldn’t allow termination of his parental rights previously. Hell, he wouldn’t even allow her to hyphenate her last name when I got remarried. It’s all about power and control for him, and not ever about what his kid might actually WANT.


Tried to diagnose and fix a coolant issue in my car. But I ended up discovering that it’s probably my water pump and I need to take my car to the mechanic. I don’t have the tools or know-how to get behind the engine. I’m doubly pissed off because the last mechanic I took him to replaced it not nine months ago. I don’t know if I have recourse if the next mechanic tells me the first screwed up, or if I should just take it to the first guy even though I’m not crazy about the work.


Check the invoice from the previous mechanic; see if it mentions any warranties.


I needed some statements from family members as references for my ASD diagnosis (which I was given yesterday). This meant some fairly painful discussions with my parents about times in my life that I’d rather forget. TL;DR: autism is not the same as rebellion, and you can’t beat it out of children (ADHD is not the same as laziness either, and shaming kids for having it doesn’t help).

I’m working on a project for a new company at the moment too, and I can’t concentrate at all. This is some of the best paid work I’ve had yet, and I may lose it before I get the chance to show them what I’m normally capable of. It’s going to be a long night…

ETA: I love my parents, but they are so evangelical… they knew that explaining things to me or giving me alone time to cool down was more effective, but that isn’t proper punishment, is it? Funnily enough, I was always worse after physical punishment and well-behaved normally, but they kept doing it…


You’re right: time to walk away!

Pro tip: adoption is a great time to get a two-fer, and change her surname too (if she still wants to).


This isn’t a cast iron thread… but I can’t help myself.

The flakes aren’t the seasoning. Those flakes are burnt oil and food. They are by no means non stick. (It’s the thin polymerized lining that is the seasoning :smiley:)

I don’t season pans. I blowtorch them, rub them down, and never put anything in them till they are hot.

Heat->oil->food->done. In that order.


Not fuck today; it wasn’t all bad.

Fuck this very moment.

And unfuck any contrary energy leeches trying to latch onto me; I don’t give a shit about your two cents, your pretentious egos or your fucking feelings.


I’m just going to tentatively like this, as it’s a few levels of abstraction out for me to really understand at the moment. Hope it gets sorted.


I generally don’t get too specific when I vent online; that way nothing I write can come back to bite me on the ass, once I’ve cooled off.

It just helps to be able to get it off my chest, and I figured a thread entitled Fuck Today was a good place to do some cathartic albeit ambiguous bitching.

Thanks, sincerely.



Eh, I’ll toss some stuff into this pool of frustration as well.

Fuck this year. A few years ago I traded my status as a big fish in a tiny pond in for a much bigger pond. (i.e. I got hired by a way bigger company as a SME)

This year, my boss decided I should be a Manager, and decided to start me on a project of not just herding the cats that are Devs, but the much bigger cats that are their bosses. Needless to say, it isn’t going great.

Awesome problem to have if you are ambitious and want to shoot to the top. I’m not anymore. Thought I was right about where I wanted to be. Alas.

Now I have all these fucking cats to wrangle. Finally going to move away from my family and friends to get it done. Just as I am uncle to 2, and godfather to 3. =(

ETA: #whitewhine


Not to dismiss your gripe, but I have to ask:

Cat wrangling?


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There’s an old adage in IT that, “Managing Developers is like Herding Cats”.

i.e. So smart and independent that unless you keep a very short leash, they will run off and do whatever the fuck they want.



Oh, okay.

Sometimes I really wonder if I’m a mismatch for this site, so many tech related things are over my head.

I was totally picturing some Jack Tripper-esque antics, a lasso, and a small herd of kittens.




That’s why you need to get them on board with the mission and give them some autonomy to self organize. If they are invested in the project, then the company should do well. You may have to have some uncomfortable conversations between the dev team and management, but I’m assuming this earns you the pay grade. If upper management thinks the developers need to be micro managed, you’re in for pain.


How about when there are numerous archaic systems crumbling before your very eyes, and you spent the last 2 years being told that any attempt at trying to build something better that could replace them is a waste of your time and possibly grounds for firing.

Then you’re suddenly told that you have to build these crumbling systems’ replacements, but all you’re given is some spackle and a mop?

They should have just let me fix the fucking stuff when I first came into the company. Before they beat me so often that I’m not even sure I can get permission from myself to start work on fixing this?



I actually knew a guy who worked for EDS who had a hand in the Cat Herders idea for the commercial. Cool guy. Totally unwilling to explain what he or his company did when I knew him as a kid. I think he wanted to try and help save me from my current career.