Fuck Today

My gaming PC has just failed. My main source of stress relief is gone.

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I’ve been having broken sleep over the last couple of weeks, and I have no concentration left. I could have done the amount of work I’ve done this week in one day a few months ago. Yesterday I had a nap to try to catch up on sleep, then I stayed awake all night last night. I’ve had people asking me to do stuff, run errands, meet appointments etc. all day today. I’m so tired, I just want to crash.

Also, I’m still on the same medication as ever (my psychiatrist still won’t let me change), and the low energy is having predictable effects on my mood. I know it’s just chemicals and lack of sleep, but it’s a pain.

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Came onto the forum, liked 2 posts (in this thread, no less!) and was immediately informed that I’m out of likes for 2 hours, which means I’m off this forum until the next time I have some free time at least 2 hours from now.

I can’t remember the last day I didn’t run out at least a couple of times. I’m probably going to have to stop reading here.

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Well some threads more than others just for sanity today.

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NOOOOOOOO!!! But we need you!

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I have a great idea!

combined with

shows an excellent way out of the misery: Stop liking my posts!

I KNOW that you cringe every time seeing one of my comments, you don’t have to mark them : D

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I need help. I can’t get it fast enough.

I’m trying to fight to keep people rational enough to see that we’re all in this together.

People are too busy fighting to listen.

I can’t recruit my 3rd American Revolutionaries fast enough to stop the Second One from kicking off.

Someone pulled a gun at a protest in Portland. The police walked to him with their hands out saying hey man… calm down. No guns OK?

So… I know there are great people on every side, all rowing in the same way. And I know there are confused people who try hard to make sense of things. With a gun, that process becomes a very dangerous thing.

Disability is a part of life. So is hysteria.

With the news, and the stupidity, and all the rest… we’re all so tied up in fictional stories of what’s happening, we stop trusting our own eyes.

I’m a peace and prosperity guy. That used to mean something other than ‘guy’ with an opinion.

The internet is the first social communication tool of its kind. Now that people are using the most amazing free press ever conceived and implemented, we are seeing more clearly.

It’s not a reason to fear, but one to hope. We can fix this. Working together. I’ve never met a person I didn’t like. It’s all in the approach.

Fuck every day someone dies needlessly. Thats a whole lot of fuck today’s. This is one. Just assume it’s for every day, until we get it right.

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Can’t get an answer about whether or not I have to get up early, prior to traffic and drive up to my mom’s to go help out… I’m happy to do it, I just don’t know if I’m supposed to.

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My father died early this morning, alone in the nursing home. We hope he was asleep; my mother and I have been with him in shifts, but she hadn’t arrived yet.

At the end he had Parkinson’s disease, Myesthenia Gravis, skin breakdown and fragile bones from the MG treatment, a broken L2 vertebra, clostridium difficile contracted in the hospital ER, a stubborn bladder infection, aspiration pneumonia, intermittent paralysis and dementia from the Parkison’s, chronic peripheral neuropathy, obsessive carphologia, grotesquely swollen legs and feet, and (unsurprisingly) constant, untreatable physical and emotional distress.

His horrible and undignified death has taken many years, during which time his pain filled and mostly unenjoyable existence has been extended by medication and interventions by the local hospital emergency room. After each ER visit Dad’s mental health was significantly more degraded; he was ready to die more than a year ago, and without treatment would have swiftly done so, but as his mental capacities were taken from him he became less and less accepting of fate, and suffered more and more from nightmare, childlike fears and anguished delirium.

Since the last ER trip he’s been unable to follow the narratives of the old pulp science fiction shorts I used to read to him from Project Gutenberg, but I did it anyway since the rythms of a familiar voice seemed to sooth a little of his distress. More thanks than I can express go to Greg Weeks and his team.

My mother follows the recommendations of doctors, regardless of her own feelings or the entreaties of others, so Dad was not switched to purely palliative care until I arranged to meet with Mom’s doctor and explained to him that Dad was begging me to kill him, and that I found myself unable to do so.

If my father was somehow posting this from beyond the grave and in full possession of his once powerful faculties, it would be in the victory thread. Death is truly the Gift of Men. But we who yet live are diminished by his passing, and I won’t be posting for a while.

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I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your father, @Medievalist. Please take care of yourself and we’ll see you soon.

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I’m so sorry to hear this sad news. I hope you can find comfort with your family right now. Losing a parent is always hard, no matter how old or sick they are. You’re in my thoughts right now and look forward to sparring with you when you are back here…

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So sorry for your loss. Take care and be well.

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My deepest sympathies.
May your father be at peace, and may you find some comfort.

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Condolences to you and yours.

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I am so so sorry. Please take care of yourself, I hope you and your family can find some peace and comfort.

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I think part of the point of this thread is to help keep the bad stuff in perspective, and @Medievalist’s post kind of did just that for me. My problems officially seem smaller and less concerning. I hope you’re taking care of yourself and your family @Medievalist. I never know what to say about these things except to say that it’s your time to grieve, don’t deny it to yourself to save face at work or with friends. You have my condolences.

My worries today, which now seem less vivid, are all about where I go from here. My degree program is coming to a gradual close. When this coming semester is over, my senior year will begin, and I realize that there’s a lot I need that I still don’t have. I don’t have internship experience. I don’t have any independent or semi-independent lab work under my belt, and the longer I wait to hear back from my professor about my research proposal, the more I worry that the stars aren’t going to align in my favor. I don’t think I have any instructors who can write a recommendation letter. I feel stuck and dissatisfied.

When I came back to university a bit older I thought I could make more if it, but it turns out to be harder than it was the first time, I’m just more capable. I have to work to provide things for myself while going to school, and while it’s not impossible, I’m finding it really puts a crimp in “extracurricular activities” that a few internships I’ve looked at are looking for. I’m wondering if I have time to rectify deficiencies or if I need to prepare for a hard landing. It’s possible I’m catastrophizing. I think not knowing whether or not I’ll be doing research come the new semester is throwing a wrench in things. In registering for classes I’ve found that because of time conflicts and assorted mayhem, that I sorely need the research to plug a hole in my schedule. Part of being a transfer student and getting a BS is that you don’t have as many general education requirements to pad things out.

Thinking about grad school applications makes my head want to explode.

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I’m sorry your father is gone. I think it’s never easy to lose a parent.

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Not that it’s as important as everything else going on… but my dog Danny will have his surgery today. I’m scared :poop:less, hoping and praying that nothing goes wrong. But the vets keep telling me that he’s in good shape and they will take every precaution with him. I hope so; he’s a part of my heart. He won’t be going in to surgery for hours yet. It’s going to be a very long day…

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Please don’t dismiss your fear/anxiety as being somehow less than what’s going on in others’ lives. Best of luck for Danny’s surgery: fingers crossed it all goes well. Woof woof Danny!

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