I understand this. Even as someone who has been in a relationship since I was 20. Sometimes it’s really difficult to understand different non-verbal signals, and common advice doesn’t always seem to apply. I have been assured that women generally aren’t attracted to jerks, but I’ve met many women who repeatedly end up with men where all I’m left with is “he must be really good in bed”. We all have monkey brains and people’s attraction isn’t necessarily rational (whether they are men or women). Fortunately I’m with someone who is committed enough to me, because with some issues I had to sit down and ask direct questions multiple times before she was willing to give usable verbal feedback. Communication is a two way street and it’s important for both people to find ways to get the information across.
Some things I’ve found, which may or may not apply to you:
Friendzoning - I’m not convinced this only applies to one kind of relationship or gender configuration. I think it’s an imbalance where one person is investing heavily in a relationship expecting a progression past its current position, and the other person is happy with the current arrangement. If you’re going to be giving into a relationship, make sure you’re happy with what you’re getting out of it right now, or be clear about where you want it to go. The other person may well value the current relationship highly and see it as far more than a stepping stone on the way to something else, and this imbalance will end up causing bitterness on both sides if it isn’t addressed. If they aren’t willing to go further and you aren’t willing to invest that much in your current relationship, it’s OK to back down to avoid burning yourself out or feeling used.
Women often want someone they feel comfortable being identified with, who is interesting and comfortable in themselves and whose lifestyle fits their own. Being nice or providing things and helping people isn’t enough by itself (especially now that women are more financially independent), even though it’s often a kind of ‘love language’. On the other hand, it can really help when the attraction is already there. Physical appearance is also important, but less so than with men. Looking after yourself and dressing well can make up for a lot. Big generalisations, but I think they have some validity.
You can really only change yourself, and you have to adjust to the realities of the pool of people you’re interested in, or the person you’re with. Make sure you’re happy with any sacrifices you do make and look after yourself though, as you can be lonelier inside a relationship than alone.
It may seem like women are the ones holding the keys to open communication, but men are also very emotional and can be confusing and infuriating to women. It’s common for both people in a relationship to assume that the other person is picking up (and even actively ignoring) their signals, and it’s often not true. If you want to have an honest discussion though, bitterness will generally kill any chance of progression.
Women who like men with more autistic personality traits definitely exist, and you do have many things to offer. I know that’s easy for me to say, but that’s just my experience and that of quite a few men who are far less neurotypical than I am. Even if you don’t find someone who is romantically interested in you though, friendship with women is not a consolation prize.
