I feel like there should a dead parrot sketch adaptation along those lines.
Let me give it a shot, (hold my beer!)
A man enters Harvard Alumnus Relations office.
Mooch: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(Harvard does not respond.)
Mooch: 'Ello, Miss?
Harvard: What do you mean “miss”?
Mooch: (pause)I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Harvard: We’re closin’ for lunch.
Mooch: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about these requests for donations that I receive incessantly from this very institution.
Harvard: Oh yes, the, uh, the requests for financial support…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with that?
Mooch: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. They’re bloody infuriating, that’s what’s wrong with it! So I’m officially calling in dead!
Harvard: No, no, you’re uh,…you’re resting.
Mooch: Look, matey, I know a dead man when I see one, and I’m looking at one in the mirror right now.
Harvard: No no you’re not dead, you’re, you’re restin’! Remarkably stout fellow you are, ay? Beautiful constitution!
Mooch: The constitution don’t enter into it. I’m stone dead.
Harvard: Nononono, no, no! You’re resting!
Mooch: All right then, if I’m restin’, try an’ wake me up!
(Harvard hits Mooch)
Harvard: There, you moved!
Mooch: No, I didn’t, that was you hitting me!
Harvard: I never!!
Mooch: Yes, you did!
Harvard: I never, never did anything…
Mooch: I’m dead! I’m dead! I’m dead! I’m dead! I’m dead!
(Mooch thumps his head on the counter. Throws himself backwards and falls on the floor.)
Mooch: See? I’m bloody well dead!
Harvard: No, no…No, you’re stunned!
Mooch: STUNNED?!?
Harvard: Yeah! You’re stunned, just as you was wakin’ up too!
Mooch: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely 'ad enough of this. I’m definitely deceased, and I was when I walked in here and I still am!
Harvard: Well, you’re…you’re, ah…probably pining for that cute perfessor in Histery 101.
Mooch: PININ’ for the PERFESSOR?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did I just fall flat on me back?
Harvard: Ain’t my problem if yer prefers keepin’ on yer back! Remarkable ain’tcha, squire? Lovely constitution!
Mooch: Look, I took the liberty of killing myself after your last begging letter, and I discovered the only reason you’d been sending them is you thought I was alive!
(pause)
Harvard: Well, o’course you’re alive, we wouldn’t be sendin’ ya letters if you wasn’t, amirite?
Mooch: Mate, I wouldn’t be sendin’ you lot any money if you put four million volts through me! I’m bleedin’ demised!
Harvard: No no! You’re pining!
Mooch: I’m not pinin’! I’m passed on! This alumnus is no more! I’ve ceased to be! I’m expired and gone to meet me maker! I’m a stiff! Bereft of life, I rests in peace! I be pushing up the daisies! My metabolic processes are now ‘istory! I’m off the twig! I’ve kicked the bucket, I’ve shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-ALUMNUS!!
(pause)
Harvard: Well, I’d better mark you dead, then.
