When my shy daughter went to preschool as a 2.5 year old, after a few months the director, a very very capable woman, took us aside and said she was having problems socializing, and we needed to really step up. It was definitely hard making playdates for a child that said she didn’t want them, but it bore fruit. She’s now 15, and has had many close friends, more in fact than her gregarious, talkative older brother.
But she’s still tough sometimes even though she was an often flamboyant toddler like your daughter, and you can’t give in. Back perhaps maybe 5 or 6, my wife made clear to her that if someone gave her a gift and she didn’t look that person in the eyes and say “thank you” clearly, she would not be keeping it. It’s partially a teen thing, but getting her to talk even to us can still be tough, and when she does she’s often inaudible. Its an art form to find a subject that interests her and then she’ll engage. But she is not shy talking with her friends, and she’s a gifted writer.
The problem with “letting her be her” is that the world rewards social engagement. My son has charmed adults since he could talk, and it has worked well for people liking him and doing things for him. He’s 18, and met a adult woman rock climbing on a visit to Marin CA, they kept in touch and she met him to climb in Red Rocks NV over New Years. He met a Bard Professor climbing at the Gunks who let him crash in his home, he had a climbing mentor in his late 30’s who went out of his way for him many times. I could go on and on, but this is the reality of the world. It’s a much harder life for someone who mumbles and looks at her shoes.
