I understand where you’re coming from, because I want the exact opposite, and nobody’s making that either.
How about a phone you can use in pitch darkness with one hand and half your fingers paralyzed, that uses no battery power at all unless you’re actually calling someone. With no screen at all, just a mic, speaker, 4x3 keypad and on/off switch. And about the size of a pack of smokes, so you can roll it up in your t-shirt sleeve. Able to withstand being vigorously beaten with a shovel against concrete, and withstand any depth of submersion for any amount of time.
