In the context of dealing specifically with bullies…
That is: don’t go in naive and cold to negotiations with a bully. Practice negotiating in small stakes things elsewhere, with other people, so that you have at least some experience with the concept before going in to the lion’s den when you’re having to defend yourself against real harm.
Why it is not useful advice: If you need to get practice, you’re not going to get nearly enough to be helpful in small doses here and there with low stakes and in safe friendly environments. If you’re doing it all the time, then a) you don’t need more practice, and b) it’s exhausting.
- Listen first – Actively listen more than you speak. Don’t take the bait if the bully tries to provoke you. Wait out the “refractory state” of about 20 minutes if you feel triggered before responding.
That is: don’t blurt out everything you think as soon as you think of it: if the bully wants to speak for 59 minutes out of an hour, let them, and use as much of what you hear against them later. Let them dig their own hole. Don’t respond in anger, because you’re not thinking and you’re just going to step in it, and undo all the careful silence by giving up the info anyway.
Why it’s not useful advice: You will never get a word in edgewise, which means you’ll never get to make a case. Also, if it’s one-on-one, the bully doesn’t actually care what you’re going to say, they’ll make something up in their head and use that against you whatever you actually say. They will use your silence against you too.
- Watch for tactics – Be aware of confusing statements or criticism no matter what you do, which can be bullying tactics. Ask clarifying questions.
That is: keep an eye out for traps. An ambiguous question will be used to trick you into saying (or looking like you said) something false or actionable. An accusation or a criticism is designed to make you angry and saying something stupid. A compliment is designed to make you off balance and saying something stupid. Leaving an awkward silence is designed to make you uncomfortable and saying something stupid.
Why it’s not useful advice: You have to assume that it’s all “tactics”. Nothing they say or do can be treated at face value. Even if it is just what it seems. Especially if it’s nothing more than what it seems. (Because the point isn’t just to lie, it’s to make it so that you don’t know what’s a lie and what’s true. If it’s all a lie, that’s something you can hold on to, but if you can’t tell what’s what, you’re going to have to guess, and you’ll get it wrong, and you’re screwed.)
The asking of clarifying questions might seem sensible, but will be used to accuse you of asking stupid questions, to which the answers should be obvious, what are you stupid or something? Note that they will not clarify anything. And it doesn’t matter if they did, because your attempt to narrow it down to an answerable question will be used to accuse you of deliberately avoiding all the other schroedenquestions, and thus implicitly of admitting quilt to those aspects. (“I did not kill that man with a hammer” … “Ah, so you killed him with a lead pipe?”)
- Let them get it all out – Patiently listen until the bully has completely exhausted their side before speaking. This can de-escalate the situation.
That is: let them make all their arguments. If they’re arguing in good faith, just the act of expressing their grievances can be enough to relieve their own stress, and make them amenable to a compromise.
Why it’s not useful advice: A bully is never arguing in good faith. Also, their grievances are inexhaustible and do not need to be based on facts. Their arguments will not be exhausted, they will feed on themselves and grow and fill all the available space. What’s more, by not countering them, they go uncontested and gain the feeling of veracity by being left there on the table as if they were true. This is the heart of the Gish Gallop. The bully will take all the time to lay out all the accusations, and leave you no time to address any one of them, let alone all of them.
- Demonstrate empathy – Show you genuinely understand their perspective, which can open them up to hearing your side without agreeing or conceding. Share your story rather than trying to “win.”
That is: make a human connection with the other side.
Why it’s not useful advice: THEY DON’T CARE. You would be empathising into a void. Their “perspective” is that they’re going to make you suffer, because they can. What’s to empathise with?
Also, aren’t you also supposed to be “listening first” and “letting them get it all out”? When, exactly, are you meant to have the time to “share your story”? Also: they don’t care about your story. Unless it gives them more ammunition to use against you.
TL;DR: You can’t negotiate with a bully. None of these items of advice will be of the slightest use, because they’d be like negotiating with a lawnmower. They all might be effective in a good-faith disagreement, but we already specified that this is with a bully. There is no good faith negotiation with a bully. Anything you say or do will be used against you. Anything you don’t say or do will be used against you. Things you never said or did will be used against you. There is no way to make fair dealings with someone whose goal is to break you because they can; the only ways to deal with that situation is to either escape from it, or to get the support of a more powerful third party who isn’t already suborned by the bully.
Let me summarise the five points: “Don’t get angry, don’t react, and be nice to the bully, and things will magically work out.” It’s a dangerous lie, and it might have more effect on an audience which didn’t have such a large proportion of people with such extensive experience of being on the wrong end of a bully.
