Donut receipt includes Mitch Hedberg's "donut receipt" routine

now that is new media

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Because I am a professional, accredited Donutologist I need those receipts at tax-time to write off my ~60K in research-related donut purchases.


Were I a police officer, you bet your last dollar I’m using that receipt.


“Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”

  • Mitch Hedberg

Probably true for most donut transactions. Not true when you shop for and with someone else’s money or if you track all your expenses.

Funny receipt nonetheless.


Do you receive hazardous duty pay?

Or if it is a doughnut you plan to expense from a business trip.

Hey! I paid for a “creme” filled donut!

No you didn’t.

Here, look at the receipt.


What if you’re accused of a murder, and the only way to prove your alibi that you were miles away buying a donut at the time is your receipt? What then?



I miss Mitch so much


Although to be fair, it would take an incredibly skinflint organization to require you to get receipts for all incidental expenses on a trip.

Most companies just pay a per diem instead and only require receipts for the big ticket items (airline ticket, hotel room, rental car). Even if you itemize expenses ($10 for parking, etc…), most organizations don’t want receipts for stuff under some limit, typically $30 or so. It ends up costing more in employee expense reimbursement overhead than they catch in waste/fraud plus you end up having to store a mountain of receipts.

Although to be fair, it would take an incredibly skinflint organization to require you to get receipts for all incidental expenses on a trip.

You just described every organization I’ve ever worked for. Receipts for everything. [sigh]


I worked for one that did. Actually I helped implement the system used to track it. And yes, I expensed my morning coffee while doing so! They wanted a copy of every receipt, every time. Mostly because almost everything was over budget. Like, the breakfast allowance was five USD regardless of what country you were in. So say Paris… good luck spending less that that! However, they had weird allowances. Anyway… interesting stuff, especially when you have so many various tax and labor rules in different countries.

I’d say something here, but honestly I know people from there read my posts (that sounds paranoid, but since I’ve had some one I used to work with there actually ASK me about them I know it’s not paranoia). So I’ll just say I do miss the travel, and let the rest be inferred.

Well, this falls under tracking, in my book. :smile:

Also, what jandrese said.

Yep. There’s usually a fixed rate, at least over here, tied to what the company write off at the tax office. Well, perhaps more in middle or upper management, but they probably don’t track donuts either.

A valid business expense would be buying a whole box for the team or guests and reimbursing the employee who bought it, too.

“Don’t even act like I didn’t buy that donut! I’ve got the receipt right here… Oh, wait. I left it at home. In the file. Under ‘D’. For ‘donut’.”

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If you work for a non-profit in Canada they get sales tax returned to them, so if you are going to expense that donut they will want the receipt (to get the five cents back). Similarly if you have a small business and can find a way to reasonably write off the donut.

That said, one’s best bet is to not have a donut and save yourself the paperwork and the health impact.

Now we need a Real Estate listing based on his “I get to decide how many bedrooms my house has” observation:

(3 minutes and 46 seconds if the time linking doesn’t work).

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Exactly what I want to say. He is missed.
“'I am saved by the buoyancy of citrus!”

This is a great prank that I’d expect someone to lose their job over, and Hedberg’s joke is funny, but the premise is off. The receipt is as much for the accountability of the employee to the business owner as it is to the customer. Especially for small-bill items like ice cream, donuts, etc. that are not inventoried, if an employee doesn’t have to leave a paper trail, he/she could easily pocket the transaction, because nobody counts how many donuts are left at the end of the day. Small businesses seem to be very paranoid about this, because I’ve often seen signs that say “if you don’t get a receipt, your purchase is free”.

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