Oh, I’m not advocating “don’t research anything and do what you want”, but when it comes to decisions like should I have a “homebirth or a hospital birth?”, “Should I breastfeed exclusively or supplement with formula?”, “Should I have a beer or two per month in my last trimester?”, I think that there is a lot of evangelism that goes on; people (women and men included) believe so strongly in one way over another that they lose sight of what Maggie is saying - that every woman’s situation is different. Many also ignore evidence that contradicts their position and factors (e.g. socioeconomic) that may have a greater influence on actual outcomes.
I know because my wife went through this with our first child. An in-law built up the importance of a whole raft of things -she had to have a home birth, she had to breastfeed exclusively, we had to co-sleep. None of these things worked for us. A home birth is impossible in our province (no midwives), my wife had to return to work after 4 months, and we couldn’t stand co-sleeping. Each time the in-law found out, there was an “Oh really, ohhh…” accompanied by a pouty look. My wife felt extremely guilty that she couldn’t be the stay at home supermum that our in law was, and all the pressure during the pregnancy certainly didn’t help matters. To top it off, all of those things were beyond my wife’s control. As someone who will never be pregnant, this taught me how important it is to respect and support the decisions of pregnant women and new mums.
“We now have a lot of research on child development and know what parenting styles benefit kids the most.”
Do we? I must admit that I haven’t read the primary literature on child development, but I think much of what Maggie was saying still applies. There are some styles that are well supported (e.g. Don’t beat your children), yet other issues that remain unresolved (should babies older than 6 months be left to “cry it out” when it comes to sleep?) and research in this area suffers from the same problems as research on pregnancy - lack of control, ethics issues in designing proper experiments. In the end, I suspect the right parenting decisions come down to circumstances and the child’s personality. I’m not saying that research and books aren’t valuable or worth reading, but they shouldn’t be expected to provide one size fits all answers.
Actually that’s one thing I’d take issue with - not that a doula can’t be very helpful in supporting emotional needs, but she can also be very helpful in supporting medical needs - specifically, the need for real informed consent.
Rather than just letting medical staff say “We’re going to do this because it’s what’s best, OK?” and treating “Uum, OK, I guess.” as all the ‘consent’ required, part of a doula’s job is to make sure the birthing mother has really understood the nature and risks of the recommended procedure, including what the alternatives are, and their benefits and risks as well.
In other words, a doula’s job includes putting her hands on her hips and saying “No, actually, it’s not OK to raiload our patient like this.”
What this is really about is autonomy, whether or not women are fully human with all the rights that come with it. If you think women as adults are fully people then the bullying done by society telling what is right or wrong in pregnancy is not only immoral but a violation of women’s rights. Evidence based pregnancy only works when you are able to exert those rights. We women need to stop buying into the rhetoric and societal norms, do our homework and take our rights and use them.
I did catch that - the reason I replied to you rather than the OP was just that you highlighted specifically that one sentence, so it seemed like the place to spin off the discussion of that point.
And that is why it is so hard to have evidence based parenting. Sure, studies pretty clearly indicate that breast milk is better for a baby’s health than formula. But when the mother has problems nursing (or cannot be there to nurse) and must pump pump pump pump every waking minute, leaving her possibly distraught and exhausted – is that good for the baby? Is that better for the baby than providing formula?
We were distraught to let the baby cry it out when he was six months old, fearing that we would instill a lifetime of anxiety because we let him suffer. But ultimately we were both so sleep deprived (getting about 3-4 hours of very broken sleep for months) that there was a good chance we would do something that might immediately imperil him (like drop him, or fall down the stairs, or walk into traffic in a daze). In retrospect our decision seems like it was the right one, but at the time it was extremely emotionally laden and difficult.
I think the one big thing I learned from pregnancy and early parenting is that there is no one “right” choice. Often there isn’t much choice at all. You aim to make the best choice with the options you have, and obviously to make as educated a choice as is possible. That we live in a society that does not hesitate to evangelize about the “right” course of action does not help.
@daneel I think this is a good thing to bring up. Because it’s not just doctors who can end up pressuring people into things they don’t want and making them feel horrible. Like the doctors, lactation consultants, midwives, and doulas (and random friends and family) can have the best intentions and still end up creating bad situations where the woman giving birth doesn’t feel like her circumstances and self are respected.
