How about this conversation?
Offender: [something someone takes offense to]
Offendee: hey, that’s offensive!
Offender: oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to be, why is it offensive?
Offendee: [explains why it’s offensive]
Offender: oh, I see. that’s understandable, but I was actually referring to [thing that isn’t offensive]
Offendee: oh, I see. that’s understandable, but you might want to avoid that phrase now that you know people are offended by it.
Offender: I sure will!
People who say offensive things like to present people get who offended as the unreasonable ones. I think once you know that that a certain word or phrase offends people, you get to personally make a choice between what you care about more: the feelings of other people or using that specific word or phrase. If it’s the latter, then how can anyone take that as anything other than you being a jerk?
I’ve been in situations on several occasions where I had the conversation you presented, even on the internet. If you genuinely want to have that conversation, and you aren’t just presenting it as an impossibility to be smug about how unreasonable other people are, I have a few tips:
- Don’t say, “Why is it offensive?” The word “why” get’s people’s backs up and makes them feel like they are being told to justify themselves. Try to rephrase using the word “what” like “What about it offended you?”
- Don’t expect them to educate you. Usually if you don’t know why something is offensive you can type it into google and find out. I know we’re having a conversation, but acknowledging that you are asking for help when you ask them to explain what’s offensive is useful. “If you don’t mind, could you tell me what I said that offended you?”
- If you feel the need to explain yourself, make sure you also validate the point they are making. “That’s understandable” seems like decent shorthand for that in your mock conversation so you’ve got this one.
- Accept that if they think you were saying something racist, they are going to enter the discussion with a bit of hostility and develop the fortitude to endure that.
So:
Licence plate guy: Assimilate!
Indigenous person: That’s racist!
Licence plate guy: Oh wow! I didn’t think I was being racist. Would you mind telling me what struck you that way?
Indigenous person: Residential schools?!?
Licence plate guy: Oh! I didn’t think about it that way. I meant it to be a reference to Star Trek. Now that you point this out I see why it would be hurtful to some people.
Indigenous person: Oh, the borg? I didn’t even think of that. I just assumed it was directed at immigrants.
Licence plate guy: Immigrants? I thought you said it was about residential schools?
Indigenous person: Most of the time when people say racist stuff they are talking about Muslim immigrants these days. People forget that indigenous people even exist.
Licence plate guy: Maybe this isn’t the best licence plate in the world.
Because without that last line, how is this a reasonable exchange at all? How is licence plate guy being reasonable, driving around town, knowing that some fraction of the population is seeing his plate and thinking, “What a racist shitbag,” and that not all of them are having this reasonable conversation with him to find out he’s just a Star Trek fan? Are there no other borg themed licence plates in the world? WERBORG not good enough? LOCUTUS? 8 OF 9? I could come up with these all day.
