And the Earth cracked open, and the Skies parted
And the Winds groaned, and the Moon farted.
Lemmy snapped his fingers once, and the Switch was thrown.
And from over the horizon came a devastating sound, a power chord that rang through every driver and woofer and tweeter in Junior’s E.A.R.A.C.H.E., resonating every flat surface down to the tympanic membranes of the suddenly startled fleas congregating in the Gorn’s nether regions. And following that chord came the bellowed answer to Lemmy’s supernatural summons:
“Now where do we go?”
And on from the south came the Rock Army, the Unholy Hordes of Heavy Metal Hell, summoned by the Bastard Baron of Bass, the Rocking Vicar’s Son, the one true Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla, Ian Fraser Kilmister his own bad self… and marshaled by the late legend, the man whose very name confers deity upon himself, Old Leatherlungs himself, Ronnie James Dio.
The Forces of Rock are driven by the whips of Dio’s loyal lieutenant (and former attorney) Murray, but they need no exhortation as they catch the scent of a tempting vital fluid:
Oh, yes indeedy. And Jack Burton, Junior, leads Lemmy’s Army straight at the gates of Fleetwood’s HQ. The gates are burst wide, and the battle therein is joined.
Fleetwood MacChanics Accounts Receivable Departmental Picnic, 2027
(they’re quite formidable when provoked, those guys)
The heavy MK2 phasers are brought to bear and tires spray gravel as Channing’s Hilux leaps forward.
Danger, danger the Queen’s about to kill
There’s a stranger, stranger and life about to spill
Oh no move me out of harm
I need a spell and a charm
And just like that, Fleetwood’s Caddy suddenly appears behind the Hilux, as if it were being towed there. At least, that’s what Fleetwood saw. Toecutter saw his own rig suddenly lurking immediately behind the Hilux, and both villains paused briefly in confusion.
And that pause made a huge difference.
“Crikey, who’s the chump with the dancing car? Did you ever see such a… hey! What the hell…? Who stole my Lincoln?”
“Never mind that, Mel… who made off wit’ me gyro?”
“Bugger that rattletrap of yours, Bruce, some bastard stole my Futura and it’s down there in that rabble surrounding Fleetwood! I’m gonna nail that whoreson right through the windscreen. Nobody makes a fool out of Mel…”
“'Ere, now, don’t ding my gyro now…”
And Mad Mel brings his rifle to bear…
More engines shift from SHITGO to hi-octane petrol, throttles are mashed wide open, and Desmond Balthar’s Cobra leads the way past the Famous Rock and down the east road toward the South Canyon. Before the dust can clear, Major Joseph Talleyrand-LaRoche has shouldered his long rifle and sighted the gleam behind yonder rocks. Bubba Zanetti sacrifices his polystyrene passenger (not without a pang of regret; they’ve seen a lot of miles together) by dumping her in front of Toecutter, with a flippant “A gift from the Bronze, Toecutter,” then peels out up the road behind Balthar.
Fly like the wind
I’m no pawn, so be gone, speed on and on
Kill the king
Tear him down
Bewildered by De’Ath’s Iso Grifo dancing the Charleston, followed by Clank’s illusion and Bubba’s needling of old wounds, Toecutter swings his flamethrower around. De’Ath’s Iso leaps directly toward the glint behind the outcropping just as Mad Mel and the Major fire simultaneously. Mel’s shot flies true, directly through what remains of the old Dodge van’s windscreen. The Major’s shot creases Mel’s scalp… but severs the chains that restrain Bruce’s arms. As Mel ducks behind the rock, Bruce realizes which way the wind is blowing, and doesn’t hesitate to act.
It’s looking a bit dodgy for Mad Mel.
But then Bruce notices the approach of De’Ath.
“Oh, bollocks.”
The Gorn stiffens at the approach of the black Cougar, bearing down on his position with engine screaming and guns blazing, “Honey” Mallone pacing her and firing from the flank. The Kid ducks behind the largest rock he can reach as his mother’s car smashes headlong into the lizard man with a terrifying crunch.
After which the Gorn blinks calmly, spitting out its now-flavorless bubblegum.
Cougar’s not looking so good.
But then the children arrive, the Lamplighters rescued by Bill and the Major from the Super Mutants. And they’ve brought along a friend.
That faintly iridescent '72 Imperial is unmistakable… it’s Momo, still throwing off a lethal dose of roentgens (since she’s old-fashioned that way) from her close encounter at the San Onofre Nuclear Power Plant back in Round One.
Gorns generally dislike gamma radiation, since it softens their hide to a marshmallow consistency. making their sugary sweetmeats altogether too vulnerable to snack-starved children.
Guess he better make a saving throw, too.
Fleetwood brings his considerable firepower to bear on the closest Drivers, which would include Channing Hunter, Deadly Harry, and the Mechanics. But as the Toyota and the Caddy exchange shots, Toecutter swivels his flamethrower all the way around, and torches Fleetwood where he sits behind the wheel of his Caddy. Toecutter’s flames and Channing’s phasers make short work of the old junk dealer as the Caddy’s SHITGO systems explode in a fireball of fusion-fueled feces.
Kill the king
Tear him down
Kill the king, yeah
Got to take his crown
Kill the king
He’ll rule no more
Strike him dead
The people roar
And as the other engines recede in the distance, Channing and Toecutter regard each other in relative silence, until he finally speaks.
“Will you listen to me now?”
It seems a great deal has taken place. Give @penguinchris and me some time to calculate damages, and we’ll submit a detailed report as soon as we can.
