Badass Dragons of the Wasteland - Round Seven Results

But first, a quick flashback glance at what transpired as Clank first resumed consciousness in the cave:

Wake, my son.

Your eyes pop open. You dozed off underneath your van, in the middle of topping off the differential oil… just occupying time until Fleetwood tells you what he wants from you.

Thy friends need thee. They will come.

You shove your creeper out from under the van, but before you sit up you realize something. Two somethings.

Examine thy surroundings. Learn what thou canst. Look for clues.

Your finger reaches out and touches the large manacle surrounding your right ankle. It’s connected to a thick but surprisingly lightweight chain that’s bolted directly into the polished stone wall. The metal gleams dully… aerospace titanium.


And then your finger traces the pavement surrounding the Dodge’s left rear wheel. The tire rests comfortably in a… divot of some kind. A faded yellow rectangle perfectly surrounds the contact patch.

Find out where thou art. Know thy location. Discover its secrets.

You look at the other three wheels. They, too, rest perfectly centered in faded rectangles of yellow paint. As if they belong precisely where they are.

Tune, Clankenstein. Tune thy mind. Tune out distraction, tune up perception, tune in concentration…

Your eyes squeeze shut. An ancient memory, so brief and faded and fragmented you cannot be sure it is your own, pops before your mind’s eye. An age long ago before the War consumed everything, before you’d fully become one with your A100 van. An age when it and you were much newer, younger, shinier, fresher, with more energy and less hard-earned wisdom. When you sported wider lapels and your Dodge sported spiffy whitewalls.

Why does this dark, cool, drafty, and slightly smelly place feel like a long-forgotten… home?

Wake, Clankenstein. He comes.

Good morning, wrench. I have something here that I need you to diagnose.

It won’t do what I want it to do. Yet. You will discover how to make it do what I want it to do.

Resist not, my son, for the nonce. Be patient. Thy time to resist approacheth anon.

No, I can see you don’t feel inclined to help me. But just indulge me here a second, old fella. Take a squint into this little screen right over here. Take a peek, and what do you see?

Now, a conscientious Mechanic like you wouldn’t want a customer like me to lose his patience… I might be liable to lash out. Not at you, no, you’re too valuable to me. I’m your number-one customer, and you’re my number one wrench.

But I don’t really need that kid you see there. He’s not nearby, nowhere you can help him.

But if you don’t do exactly what I say, when I say it, you sure are in a position to cause that kid a world of pain.

Now, listen up.


Some time later…

Round 7 Mission 1



-“Shut up and sit down, kid.”

Mel glanced into his rearview. More Drivers were hot on his tail. He reached out and slapped every button and lever on the dash indiscriminately. The wipers flicked back and forth, smooth jazz blasted from the Blaupunkt at earsplitting levels, the air conditioning blew forth a tepid, swampy fœtor, and a double handful of razor-sharp 4-gauge caltrops spewed out of the rear bumper, followed by several dozen small land mines and five gallons of Cobblepot’s 5W-20 SuperSlick Penguin-Oil.

Satisfied, Mel turned his attention back to the road. The gates of Fleetwood’s Headquarters were near, and he could expect no payment if he failed to arrive sufficiently in advance of his pursuers, cargo intact.

Wash had been quite clear about Toecutter’s requirements.

Bubba Zanetti (bizmail_public), Scout

HP 28/46 -> 16/46 HP, 1 burst tire
SP 57, MV 89, LK 59

You encounter 39 caltrops and mines. Your excellent MV and LK allows you to dodge most of these, but you get caught up in an oil slick and lose 1 tire to a caltrop you can’t avoid, and suffer minor damage from mines (8 mines explode in your vicinity, for a total of 12 HP of damage) leaving you with 16/46 HP.

’Honey’ Mallone (kyntha), Scout

HP 34/34 -> 16/34 HP, 1 burst tire
SP 79, MV 58, LK 35

You encounter 34 caltrops and mines. Your speed is excellent, but your MV is not enough to avoid them all - and that horga’hn helped, but you’re still not lucky enough! You lose 1 tire to a caltrop, and suffer 14 HP of damage from 9 mines. Additionally, you also get caught in the oil slick - but since you’re out ahead with your faster speed, you avoid most of it. What you didn’t see through the smokescreen, though, was a caltrop meant for you that whizzed past and embedded itself directly in Bubba’s tire. Your air filter was clogged (-4 HP), reducing performance greatly, allowing Bubba to catch up.

-“Excuse me! Could we borrow a can of Fix-a-Flat?”

Bubba and Honey reach the top of the rise just as Mad Mel’s black Futura disappeared inside the compound gates. As Honey helped Bubba change his flat tire:

-“Well, we know where they are, but I don’t believe we can penetrate their defenses without serious backup.”

-“I concur, but I can’t stand still right now. Can you hold the fort here until the others arrive?”

-“No sweat, Bubba. Where you headed?”

-“I got a score to settle with that bastard Washington. I’m headed to Hollywood.”

Round 7 Mission 2

@SteampunkBanana has summed up the results of Mission 2 quite elegantly; however, In case you forgot, there was a minor risk of electrical shock here.

Rideword (Solomon), Mule

HP 54/72 -> 47/72
EN 91, LK 52

You rolled for several shocks (your LK is good, but not foolproof). However, your excellent EN meant they caused very little damage - about 7 HP total.

Desmond Balthar (Steampunk Banana), Scout

HP 31/39 -> 27/39
EN 81, LK 71

Your LK is good, and you rolled for just two shocks. Your EN is also good, but you did still suffer 4 HP damage.

What’s up over at the zoo? Don’t you hear some serious shit going down over in Bronson Canyon? Come by there if you can… if your zoo business is completed, that is.

Round 7 Mission 3

In his more introspective moments, which are surprisingly far from rare, Ro-Man wonders why he is usually considered by most of his employers to be a sufficiently fierce and formidable obstacle to their myriad enemies. He fancies himself a gentle, retiring sort (at least, when off-duty).

He’s an incurable, fun-loving romantic.

Heck, he’s officiated weddings for friends a time or two.

And he especially loves playing with the few kids he encounters in the Wastelands these days.

Though few of them come back for a second playdate, come to think of it.

Still, his calling card as Henchman First Class specializing in Area Denial somewhat oversold his fearsomeness, he felt.

Especially since all the giant mutant Gila monsters had long since been vanquished by the last infestation of Armor-Plated Cockroaches that arrived hidden in a crate of bananas from Orange County, and anyway he’d grown a friendly and stylish mustache since that picture was taken. Definitely time to update the resume. Maybe emphasize his musical talents. There was that EP he put out a while back… that really seemed to connect with the zombies on the Strip.

Or maybe he should get back into the dance classes he used to teach over in Van Nuys…

…nah, not much demand for the performing arts in the Valley these days. Well, hell. Anything’s better than just hanging around outside secret lairs and evil headquarters, Denying the Area to all comers and passers-by. Sure, it gets one outside in the fresh air sometimes, and the License Plates are pretty steady, and one is free to eat all the mutant bananas one can catch, which really tunes up the ol’ reflexes a treat. But it’s never what you might call creatively satisfying work. Hell, these days the B.E.L.C.H.E.R. does most of the heavy lifting, in the actual Area Denial department, leaving ol’ Ro-Man to expend most of his professional energies cleaning up the aftermath with mop and pressure-wash hose, and then once one has mounted the remaining skulls on decorative spikes, it’s just thumb-twiddling and light poetry-composing until the next would-be heroes happen along.

Nope. The gig isn’t as fun as it sounded at the callback interview.


Hmm. What’s that?

Sounds like… engines.

Okay, enough skylarking… back to work.

Ro-Man the Robot Monster
HP: 150
FP: 200
SP: 40
AR: 300
MV: 80
EN: 500
TQ: 200
LK: 03

Bubble-Emitting Lethal Concentration Halide Emission Reactor
HP: 100
FP: 180
SP: 00
AR: 88
MV: 00
EN: 66
TQ: 00
LK: 47

Note the environmental hazards of the cave as well: loose stalactites, swarms of bats, caustic bat-guano pies. You better know where you’re going if you choose to enter.

Looks like we have eight Drivers riding to Clank’s rescue. I believe these are the pertinent choices and upgrades for this particular mission:

De’Ath: Nike Flyknits - +8SP, Starfleet Text +20MV
Channing: Yeezys +9AR, Mk2 Phaser +65FP (every 5th turn)
Jos. T-LR: Achilles Low: +8FP, Dilithium crystals +6SP, RevPolAltCap +30AR (non-veh.)
Bill the Bum: Vans +8 MaxHP, Horga’hn +17LK, Mk1 Phaser +20FP (every 2nd turn)
Junior: Air Jordans +9TQ, Mk2 Phaser +65FP (every 5th turn)
Bertie Gomez: Dunks +8MV

Rideword and Balthar are motoring over from the zoo.

We’d love to hear exactly what happened during the fight, though all we can access without firsthand accounts are the telemetry data. The battle went down like this, according to the numbers:

Players	Ro-Man
262	150 (Mk2 phasers miss!)
262	132 (18 damage to ro-man)
262	132 (no damage to players)
262	132 (no damage to ro-man)
262	132 (no damage to players)
262	114 (18 damage to ro-man)
222	114 (40 damage to players)
222	114 (no damage to ro-man)
222	114 (no damage to players)
222	77 (37 damage to ro-man)
222	77 (no damage to players)
222	58 (19 damage to ro-man)
183	58 (39 damage to players)
183	31 (27 damage to ro-man)
143	31 (40 damage to players)
143	0   (31 damage to ro-man)

Channing Hunter (gwwar), Escort
62 -> 33 HP
29 HP damage from Ro-Man and his B.E.L.C.H.E.R.

Sir Gonville De’Ath (daneel), Escort
51 -> 22 HP
29 HP damage from Ro-Man and his B.E.L.C.H.E.R.

Bertie Gomez (Palomeque), Mule
48 -> 22 HP
26 HP damage from Ro-Man and his B.E.L.C.H.E.R.

Maj. Joseph Talleyrand-LaRoche (peregrinus_bis), Scout
28 -> 11 HP
17 HP damage from Ro-Man and his B.E.L.C.H.E.R.

Jack Burton Jr. aka “Junior” (funruly), Mule
35 -> 11 HP
24 HP damage from Ro-Man and his B.E.L.C.H.E.R.

Bill the BUM (webiii1976), Mechanic
38 -> 20 HP
18 HP damage from Ro-Man and his B.E.L.C.H.E.R.

As the smoke and bubbles cleared, a sizable smoky-chrome spheroid emerged from the tunnel. The Drivers threw every offensive weapon they had at it, to no avail, as it headed down the canyon and turned left toward the old zoo.

After a moment, a clattering, rumbling sound emitted from the old cave mouth. The Drivers turned warily to face whatever this new threat might be. As one they held their breath to see what might emerge from the darkness…

-“Clank? Is… is that you?”

-"This is… part of me. The Craftsman has transformed me… made me unWhole for now. Come. We have much to do, though the end is surely nigh. Marion is taken, and with her goes a substantial part of me. We must retrieve these, we must restore Wholeness, but…

Things are no longer the same."


The most damage. Again. Why am I not surprised?

There isn’t a lot of that beautiful Milanese coachwork left.


And yet somehow you still get invited to all the best parties.

Thankfully, the measure of one’s quality cannot lie in Hit Points alone.


I’m beginning to suspect that there isn’t a direct correlation between stats and success.

Still, I play the game for the game’s own sake.

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Luck (both the traditional kind as well as LK) has possibly more to do with it than it should.

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Actually, Sir De’ath, you are an Escort - by your own choosing - which means you absorb more than your otherwise-fair share of damage, and this is how some of the weaker have managed to survive.


'tis true. A good deed never goes unpunished.

That and the fact that I keep picking the dangerous missions rather than the ones that require homework :wink:


I’ll say this: we don’t have a column for it, but you’ve got a hell of a lot of GRIT.


I’ve got more bottle than United Dairies.


Hey guys,

There was another box brought back from the Paramount lot last time that I didn’t hand out because I didn’t know what it was - it wasn’t on the list. Looks like this - lights come on when you open the box:

Well, I mean I still don’t know what it is, but I found a clue - this piece of photocopied paper was stuffed inside an access hatch:

I vaguely remember something about this from a movie I saw before the war, but I was pretty young and I don’t remember the details. The other stuff we found turned out to be functional, but I’m not exactly sure whether this one is or not - there are a lot of electronics and things inside, but the listed mass isn’t correct so I’m not sure if everything’s there.

I’ll keep tinkering with it, but I’m thinking this might be useful even if it doesn’t work as intended.

Oh, and if any of you who went in the cave have additional information about foes and environmental hazards contained within, let me know.


What am I doing at the zoo? I’d been waiting at exit 141 off the 5. You think we’re going to scout things out and not guide people to the safe way in? We’d be pretty piss-poor scouts if that were the case.

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I figure we could use that as a weapon.

What do you think? I could become De’Ath, Destroyer of Worlds.


I figure we should have a mechanic take a look at it.

All we need is something else screwing up and getting reanimated zombies born again.


Ah, come on. How hard can it be?

Let’s have a quick shufty.


A Genesis Device?

Oh Superman, where are you now?


Does it have a Big Red Button? Push it!

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You know, I’ve been thinking about our little friends and their little silver bubble.

It would be a real shame if someone came along with a really, really big gun and gave it a shot. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to polishing this rail gun that needs a little tweaking on the sights…



Haha yes! I remember back in '16 when these things started trials - fabulous stuff! Cheap and fast!