Badass Dragons of the Wasteland - Round Nine

I hadn’t seen anything like it.

I was born to barbarism, apocalypse, violence, roadworn leather, and septic bloodshed. Not once in that first decade of my life had I known peace, prosperity, sumptuousness, verdancy, or any number of other ten-plate words that I just now had to look up.

But a dome devoted to death as entertainment… that was new to me.

Fleetwood’s Thunderdome, like Fleetwood himself, predated the War, but had gotten a lot bloodthirstier once the world had gone to hell. On the site of the ancient Willow Springs racetrack, it had started out as a simple dome for hand-to-hand bloodsport, but had gotten larger, deadlier, and more spectacular as the years went on. The Dome grew in diameter, then doubled to become an actual steel sphere a hundred feet across, with a reinforced door built into the curvature to admit the traditional complement of antagonists:

(note: similar to this, but much larger, built for automotive combat rather than two-wheeled grab-assery)

Two cars enter. One car leaves.

Those were the only rules, but they were about to be bent pretty hard. Depending on the number of people who chose to fight Toecutter and Bruce alongside Sir Gonville De’Ath, there would be anywhere from three to eight cars entering a spherical cage built to accommodate two. All conventional weapons were permitted, and high speed was required in order to take full advantage of the available real estate. If you couldn’t travel fast enough to traverse the sides and ceiling, you were a sitting duck.

Next to this Globe of Death, still affectionately referred to as the Thunderdome by Fleetwood’s minions, were the garages and machine shops devoted to the combatants who engaged in gladiatorial contests therein. And there we patched ourselves and each other up for a night and a day, to prepare for our last battle over Marion.

With Clank nearly catatonic, and Bill the BUM MIA (along with the five other Mechanics we’d started with), repairs were starting to look like a real concern. Until we spotted a familiar silhouette lurking in the largest garage, albeit much shinier than we’d come to expect his like.

We might have known: there was a Stretchbot out here in the desert. Junior started to wander over to see just how far he planned to bend us over for his services when a squeal of feedback nearly brought me to my knees.

“Who will fight?” bellowed a voice over the PA. “The time has come. The Thunderdome thirsts. A precious prize awaits the victor, who will guide their favored flock of humanity to prosperity, whether on Earth or her Red Brother Mars. Who will fight this battle?”

Two men rolled forward, clad and armored for war.

“Hey hey hey! I’m ready for Love!”

"Hard times demand hard leaders. And nobody is harder than… the Toecutter.

“I believe today I’ll drive… that one.

The Toecutter and the faithless Bruce Washington rolled forward.

“Who comes to fight? This day we can bend the Two Cars Enter rule. Take us on together, or one at a time. Suit your preference. Who comes to fight?”

I ran to the assembled Drivers.

“We need to save Clankenstein. Even though Stretch can fix most of you up, Clank is the only one who can save my mother. And Marion says we need to work together to help him. He needs us to bring him some things from not too far away, but he’s incoherent, and I can’t get him to tell me what exactly it is he needs. Anyone who doesn’t want to take on Toecutter and Bruce in the Thunderdome should help me figure out what Clank is saying.”

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Note: sign up to fight either alongside or against Toecutter below. Once I know who plans to fight, I’ll roll Toecutter’s and Bruce Washington’s stats (as well as any other guys they might need to balance a fair fight). And a fair (but tough) fight it will be.

If you’re more of a lover than a fighter, help Clank figure out what the hell’s going on in his head. Bring his consciousness back by helping to figure out the clues within the visions he’s had. Fighters can contribute too, if they recognize something or make an intuitive leap. Good thing the TCB doesn’t distract too much from combat.

Desert Stretch will be posting his menu shortly.

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Solved it!

At the birthplace of the swan Enterprise, somebody rushed to the hemisphere of the genesis of the blackbird.

Or something about a northern cross.

Or something.

Anyway, I got soul, and I’m a soldier.


Bellowing across the desert, a conspicuously funky sound could be heard for what seemed like miles…

What do you weirdos want? What is that big shiny thing you’re towing? Looks like you covered the Watts Towers with the paneling from that concert hall downtown! Bet that’d be worth a lot as scrap…

Who am I?

I’m Stretch, dummies!

Yeah that’s right, created in Fleetwood’s image. How Fleetwood imagined himself anyway. I guess he thought pretty highly of himself.

What? You’re taking that thing to Mars? Gonna launch from the air base?

Listen, I take that back about you being dummies. I’ve been trying to go and join my Elizabeth for years now, and this sounds like exactly what I need. The big one! THIS IS THE BIG ONE!

What’s that? “Nice shirt”? Yeah this Aloha business isn’t my usual style, but I like it too. Since I got disconnected from the Stretchbot mainframe years ago I’ve been working on my image and personality - these Aloha shirts are the only things with a collar I can find to wear out here.

Now look… I can see you’re pretty beat up. I’ve been running Fleetwood’s private repair garage here at the track for a long time and I’m willing to repair you all, and I have a few upgrades you may need.

There’s a problem, though. You may not have realized this, but the automated Stretchbot repair systems require raw material as input. The main original source was destroyed in the War, and post-apocalypse we discovered that the only suitable material is license plates. That’s right - there’s a finite supply of repair available unless somebody figures out a new source of material, or unless something big changes on this planet. And the damn fool economy based on LPs? Dummies!

Because I’m out here in the desert, with no regular customers (other than what I manage to scrape off of the Thunderdome, though there hasn’t been much action there in recent years), my supply of raw materials is almost empty. I’m going to need a lot of LPs to make your repairs.

But - I’ll cut you a deal. Assuming you survive the Thunderdome, if you take me with you on your rocket, I’ll let you raid Fleetwood’s stash of Thunderdome weapons and other upgrades for no charge.

Repair Services

  • Unclog pipes, new filters - 25 LP
  • Repair: 3 LP per HP


  • Ben Hur Wheel Spikes - one set available
  • Chainsaw with sheet-metal cutting blade, mounted to police hand-light system - one available
  • Oil slick - careful, you might not be able to avoid the slick yourself. This usually causes the driver who uses it to KO themself but if you want it, I got it
  • Jousting spikes, forward-mounted - five available
  • Axle grease - cover your car with this, and theoretically jousting spikes and similar weapons will grip less easily on your bodywork
  • Thunderdome tires - gives you extra grip on the metal grid surface of the Thunderdome, very useful if your top speed isn’t enough to get you up the sides of the Dome without falling off - one set available
  • Hand tools - I’ve got tons of these lying around, including some sledge hammers. You might cause some damage by tossing these out your window.
  • Mirror finish top coat - maybe blind your opponent; also good camouflage/distraction in the desert, and helps prevent overheating. But I need raw material to make it, so it’ll cost you 10 LPs.


check your stats and wallet here

OOC: With repair costs that high, I’ll be helping out Clank and puzzling out the riddle. Are the stats still accurate here?

Edit: Didn’t see the link in the post above.

Check Here. I believe those stats are as up-to-date as anything.

As for the spendiness of repairs, ask yourself if you’ll actually have any further use for license plates where you’re going…

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I’ll take some jousting spikes, axle grease and some sledgehammers and I’ll donate my LPs to the general pool for those who need them.


I have unfinished business with Toecutter, and it’s a mistake to think a larger ride will do you much good. The last monster that crossed my path, ended up like this, when all was said and done.

I’m a bit beat up, but I’m pretty sure I can still take Toecutter down. Stretch (@penguinchris), bring me up to as high as you can take me, and one chainsaw please. This one just looks right to me.


Clank: mood = receding, rising

must… take… him… this…
tell… where I have gone… then ask how much it can take… and remember
where… does it work?
Wait, What?

So very high, they look so small now.

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Stretch! Man, it has been a long-ass time since I saw you. Sorry to hear about Gradybot, but, frankly, I told him for years that drinking that RippleOil wasn’t going to do him any good. But you’re looking good man, real good! Thanks for helping us out on this one, I’ll certainly give you my spot if that’s what you’re looking for.

Now, I love my man Clank, but I hardly saw damage in that last trip, now’s the time to spend those HP when others can least afford it.

That said, I need a new filter if I’m going to keep up. Add in that set of wheel spikes as well, while we’re at it, some grease on the sides and and a bag of hammers. And pound out those 5 dents to get me up to 39 HP. If it turns out that there’s a set of jousting spikes available when everyone else is done, toss those in there as well.

Let’s see, 25 and 15 takes me to 40, throw my other five in the pile for anyone who needs them, including yourself. You were always a good guy Fred, thanks for coming in on our side on this.


I’ve got a bad feeling about this.


Grave Digger is currently my son’s favorite monster-truck toy, and knocked-over his OJ at breakfast this morning.


Just don’t let this guy drive, he’s worse than a NY cabbie


15 LP gets me 5 HP up to a total of 9HP.

With my slow speed and MV and lack of HP I’m not likely to be of much use in the Thunderdome.

I also don’t know, with such low HP, that it would be wise for me to go wandering out with Jane and her Genny device to Site 10 of Plant 42 in Palmdale to talk to that scotsman about fixing up clank. As he’d say, my freightliner cannut takeuh much moar.


Man, Gradybot! That big dummy! Crushed all my Jelly Roll records and ate all my guacamole!

Aw who am I kidding, I did that myself. I do miss the guy. I also miss my once-vast supply of RippleOil though. And he better not be messing around with my Elizabeth.

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I got 5 LP for your use, over in that pile over there.

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“So, is… uh… anyone gonna go?”

“The physical condition of the Mechanic known as Clankenstein is serious, but relatively stable.  His consciousness has been, in the purest geometrical sense, “elevated”… that is, straight up, in the direction of the Cygnus X-1 anomaly in the constellation of Cygnus, slightly to the left of Eta Cygni in this map:”

“Clankenstein’s life depends upon bringing his consciousness back to his mortal frame, as the increasingly tenuous connection between his body and “soul” is all that keeps him alive.  In the Genesis Device, we possess the physical means, I believe, to accomplish this, but Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott is the only man with the precise knowledge of how this Genesis Device actually works.  If he is still at the Lockheed Skunkworks, he will need to be consulted.”

“Stark’s Skunkworks had… (cough cough) a fairly… collegial relationship with the Lockheed Skunkworks, as… they shared… portions of various government… projects. My Stark Industries ID… should get you… through the gate.”

“Precise calibration will be needed.  The Genesis Device is considerably powerful, and is capable of wreaking profound and widespread damage if mishandled, according to this photocopied shipping receipt from Paramount.”

“You okay, Marion?”

“Yes.  But that flamethrower was hot.”

Alright then, I guess I’ll be a voyager and head out to the skunkworks, even if it is my final frontier. Could use some firepower along, in case we run into some wrath in the undiscovered country.

Thanks for the LP, Desi. +1 more HP. May you gain swift victory over our nemesis.

Is Clank in any shape to be towed along in this search for a government spook? Might be useful to have him make first contact with this Monty fella, you know, engineer to engineer. Unless that would that risk making things worse for the Clank’s spiritual voyage home.

If I don’t make it back, see you all in the next generation. Remember ole’ Junior as you trek into darkness, into deep space.


According to my calculations if everyone pools together their LPs, everyone should be able to get up to at least 80%, if not better. I may be able to wrest some LPs out of the pepperoni-greased hands of those who don’t say anything, if necessary.


You know what Junior? I like you you crazy noise-blaring bastard. I want you to make it through, so let’s get you up into the double digits, take five more LP and I’ll take off two HP from me. If it comes down to me not making it out due to 2 HP we were outta’ luck anyway.

That should put you at 12 and I’m at 37.

When it’s time to wreck shop then shop I’ll wreck
So let’s calibrate and check our specs .