I couldn’t watch… and I couldn’t look away.
As the putative prizes for this bloody competition, Marion and I were hoisted by a length of aircraft cable in the very center of the Thunderdome sphere. I was seated on the plastic SHITGO throne inside Marion, and they’d removed her half-melted door to afford me an unobstructed view of the proceedings. My mother would never have allowed it if she weren’t semi-comatose.
At least I was seated in the right place if I ended up shitting myself in terror. Marion could only benefit if I ended up feeling the urge to “download a brown load,” as we said in those days.
Since Hugh Mungous had dropped his microphone when he grabbed a steering wheel and he hadn’t yet trained an understudy emcee, the contest began with surprisingly little fanfare. The eight vehicles drove into the sphere, the hatch was quickly welded shut, a ceremonial cannon was fired off, and then it was all fast driving and shooting and screaming and chaos.
De’Ath leaped at Toecutter, who was only too happy to return the exchange. First blood went to the scrappy Iso Grifo, which riddled Toecutter’s old Dodge with bullets to the tune of 8HP. But Toecutter didn’t come by his name in his podiatry college fraternity days. Titanium sickle-shaped blades sprang outward from his wheel hubs, and he sideswiped the Iso’s passenger side for 10HP damage. Their next pass at each other resulted in misses, but in a suicidal door-to-door blast down the equator of the dome in excess of 120mph, Toecutter resorted to handheld shotgunnery which missed altogether due to the uneven welds inside the Dome, but De’Ath jerked the wheel a very precise amount to the left and rose up on two wheels in a trick he’d perfected during the long drive from La Jolla back in Round One, slamming down on Toecutter’s right front fender and causing a spin perilously high up the side of the sphere, nicking nine more HP of damage from the Dodge before their trajectories separated them.
First round results:
De’Ath: 58HP remaining
Toecutter: 46HP remaining.
Channing Hunter initially aimed straight for Toecutter, having quite a grudge to settle, but Wez got to her first. Looked to be a pretty competitive match-up between two of the highest-firepowered contestants in the Thunderdome, and the slugfest between the Hilux and the conjoined-twin Caddy lit up the bottom of the bowl with sparks, flame, and flak. Both parties missed twice, Wez trying to employ a straightforward melee attack with the sharpened cowcatcher blades on the front of the Caddy, but Channing’s nimble Hilux eluded him. Possessing a significant advantage in both SP and MV, she shot up his lower body panels for 9HP damage.
First round results:
Channing: 83HP remaining
Wez: 81HP remaining
Roadster Warfare ensued between the topless Cobra of Desmond Balthar and the nimble Mazda Miata piloted by “pragmatist” (or “turncloak” depending on one’s loyalties) Bruce Washington. Their speed and maneuverability had them racing up one side of the Dome and down the other, weaving in between the slower trucks near the bottom. Balthar, no stranger to pitched combat at speed, gave nearly as good as he got, but the trained gyrocopter pilot Bruce initially showed an advantage in 3-dimensional combat tactics, dropping a couple of mini-grenades on the Cobra from above, dealing 8HP damage compared to the 6HP received.
First round results:
Balthar: 31HP remaining
Bruce: 54HP remaining
Much circling and sizing-up took place between Major Joseph Talleyrand-LaRoche and his surprisingly cautious opponent, Hugh Mungous. The Major began to see how Hugh had prevailed in his fourteen previous Thunderdome engagements: the big man looked like a wild-ass maniac but thought like a master tactician, patient and watchful, constantly feinting and probing for weaknesses, but never striking beyond his reach. When they separated in search of other, easier targets, neither had suffered a scratch. Yet.
First round results:
Major: 33HP remaining
Hugh: 25HP remaining
A piercingly loud steam whistle that sounded like Satan’s own teakettle signaled a brief pause after Round One, and the competitors were finally permitted to activate their freshly-purchased upgrades. Chainsaws were gassed up, lances were screwed on, and the vehicles faced off a second time.
As the cannon fired to signal the second round, De’Ath found himself staring directly at the blades of Fleetwood’s Cadillac, with Wez grinning behind the wheel. Sitting considerably higher than Toecutter’s old Dodge truck, the Caddy loomed high above the low-slung Iso Grifo, and required a different strategy as De’Ath’s first hail of bullets sailed directly underneath their target, perforating several popcorn boxes (and a couple of unprotected larynxes) over in the cheap seats. De’Ath mashed the pedal to the floor to scoot underneath the Caddy, but Wez anticipated that maneuver, and the high-torque Cadillac got out of its own way just enough to roll over the Iso’s boot lid, causing 10HP damage. Enraged, De’Ath took a few shots at the Caddy’s relatively unprotected undercarriage, returning the 10HP damage. Wez reversed, hoping to squash the Iso underneath his front tires (or tyres), but the Iso squirted free, tearing loose most of the Caddy’s exhaust system for another 10HP damage.
Second round results:
De’Ath: 48HP remaining
Wez: 61HP remaining
Channing circled around in search of Toecutter, the fat target she’d had in her sights for days now, but that nincompoop traitor Bruce got in her way. Typical. The look on his face was typical, too. Smug and cocky and clueless.
His car was fast, but his reactions were not. Channing just drove up onto his hood.
Yeah. That was satisfying. 11HP damage resulted to the Mazda. Unfortunately, Bruce still had a grenade or two, and the Hilux suddenly found itself with a broken front propeller shaft. Rear-wheel-drive only from now on, and 10HP damage to the Toyota. Channing snarled and just drove the rest of the way over the Mazda, breaking the windshield and scuffing Bruce’s favorite pilot’s helmet. 10 more HP damage to Bruce.
Second round results:
Channing: 73HP remaining
Bruce: 33HP remaining
More open-cab mayhem ensued as Desmond Balthar faced off against Hugh Mungous in the second round. Balthar could see that he was woefully outgunned and faced a serious speed and maneuverability deficit as well, so he relied on his massively superior armor, luck, and engineering to see him through this sortie. The Cobra was famously fast, but not nearly as viper-quick as Hugh’s purpose-built Thunderdome buggy, and the two circled each other seemingly endlessly, each waiting for the other to make a mistake, preferably a fatal one. Balthar’s car blinked first as a left-rear tire lost traction and spun in some spilled fluid from Channing’s transfer case, allowing Hugh to take the first shot. It was a powerful, yet glancing, blow that might have eliminated a less thoroughly armored vehicle immediately, but the Cobra absorbed the 7HP of damage, and returned it with an additional HP of interest as the surprised Hugh found himself staring down the wrong end of the Cobra’s fangs. They separated with a newfound respect for each other’s skills and weaponry.
Second round results:
Desmond Balthar: 24HP remaining
Hugh Mungous: 17HP remaining
The Major knew he had his work cut out for him as Toecutter’s '47 Dodge hove into his sights. He had a 10HP deficit, and the Dodge had more than twice the armor than the sleek Perky could offer. Plus that Jag engine meant a noticeable 28-point engineering deficit, but it couldn’t be helped at this point, could it? Speed and maneuverability were where the Knobbly dominated, and an 8-point firepower advantage was not to be sneezed at. The first quick shot missed, as did Toecutter’s flamethrown reply. Damn, that Knobbly is quick. Always quick on the draw, the Major took a snapshot that punched a hole right through the Dodge’s grille, and perforated her radiator for 8HP of damage. “Ha!” quoth the Major.
And then Toecutter spun the wheel. The massive tires on the Dodge screamed on the steel cage, and the tailgate of the Dodge dropped to face the Knobbly’s front end. And the rear-mounted flamethrowers blasted the heat of the sun directly into Perky’s face.
So much for Perky’s eye-catching paint, windshield glass, and the Major’s facial hair. 27HP of integrity lost in a hot instant. Clencing his fists against the pain, the Major squeezed off a hasty shot and, constitutionally unable to miss under such horrifying circumstances, blew a hole through the Dodge’s cab, Toecutter’s right ear, the firewall, and the number-four sparkplug underneath the Dodge’s hood, causing a dreadful ignition misfire and a further 7HP damage.
Second round results:
Major: 9HP remaining
Toecutter: 31HP remaining
Work in progress… this takes more time than I’d anticipated. Which oughta be my mission statement.
The Battle Continues after a brief nap for the commentator. Perhaps talk amongst yourselves for a bitsy…?
Edit 12:55 PM PDT 10/17: removed extraneous and non-applicable combat numbers at the bottom of Iteration Six for each round of combat. They never did apply, and weren’t supposed to be there. Now the charts more accurately show how each player has six “moves” (three for player, three for opponent) per round of combat.
