Badass Dragons of the Wasteland - Round Seven Missions

Haha yes, that’s the stuff!

What’s the last thing that goes through a traitor’s mind when he’s hit by a 90mph transcontinental?

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That box of extra spleens in the back.

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A trusted Friend gave me a tip where to find Washington: “Armoury”

I know what you’re thinking. But since a A Lotus is all about flair – about dancing around the others, not overpowering them, I don’t see any point in going back to the Citadel, alone. Besides, that would be all too obvious.

But there are other possibilities. When I let my mind wander back and think “Armoury”, I remember pleasant Sunday afternoons in Pasadena at the Armoury Center for the Arts.

As I’ve mentioned before, there is the Collector’s Armoury in Culver City, which has long had the best anti-zombie equipment.

Those with really long memories know that the 1932 Olympic fencing venue was The Armory. I love that building, with it’s huge atrium next to the rose garden, and a dedication to science education.

I suspect that our British friends have fond thoughts of this Armory. It a great place to shop whether you are upper class or just acting the part.

But none of these are a place our Washington would scamper off to. A rat that tried to pass himself as an accountant would not flee places with that much taste. We need to look for him some place lower brow. some place seedier.

What does “Armoury” and “Seedy” make you think of? Because I think I know just the place…

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I will take ersatz name rhyming for $100.

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I am in awe of you all. Truly.

An endgame will begin taking shape tomorrow. Circumstances forbid my addressing these matters sooner than that, but boy do you guys make me proud and happy.

Currently, Wash is in the wind, Cougar’s trying desperately to get her ride in condition to pursue Mad Mel (the damage from Billy’s exploding proton pack was pretty crippling to her car), and Blazer is in several smoldering pieces at the bottom of a cliff. Mel and the Kid are nearly at the gate of Fleetwood’s HQ at Vasquez Rocks, with a couple of our stalwart Drivers in hottest pursuit. Imprisoned by Fleetwood in the old Batcave in Bronson Canyon after being smuggled there through a hidden tunnel from the catacombs beneath the Citadel, Clankenstein has awakened old memories from long ago… and now…

…well. Let’s see what happens next!

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I don’t even want to think what goes into a Bowery Burger in this wasteland…

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So what “armoury” secures our Washington?

Some place seedy. Some hellhole scuzzy enough to keep decent folks away and with enough shysters around he’ll blend in.

Hollywood, obviously.

The key to Hollywood is to follow the stars. An insecure snitch like Washington will hide behind the laudable

and the timeless.

They’re at 6733 and 6738 Hollywood Blvd, respectively.

He’ll want someone beautiful nearby so he feels important.

She’s at 6733 Hollywood Blvd.

Our quarry will need someone nearby with real pull close at hand to smooth over any troubles. Who better than the man who invented the modern movie studio ? Thomas Ince resides at 6727 Hollywood Blvd. Of course, Thomas is rumored to have been shot by William Randolph Hearst (aka Citizen Kane) because Marion Davies was boinking Charlie Chaplin on the side, but a low-level grifter like Washington can’t be choosy.

The voice of Ellery Queen (6733 Hollywood Blvd) would be the perfect narrator for this little adventure, but we need to step off the street, go behind the facade, and take a hard look at

Armory Guitar Works
6729 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028

God only knows what horrors are wrought inside a place with a name like that, but I needed to find out. And look what I found:

The arrogant puke feels so untouchable with his new paint job and Fleetwood’s favor that he even parks in the crosswalk.

Bastard.

Who wants to join me for a little disciplined interrogation?

-Bubba

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Well you bloody lucky lot! I’ve cleaned up those feet, seem to have been very well preserved.

Here are two of them:

and two more:

I make that 26. I rather like the latter lot.

How then shall we divvy them up?!

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Looking at my options here I’ll be pouring myself my second box of Lucky Starks and being content with the toes I have.

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You know, I’m just around the corner with Rideword (@solomon) and while I’m not sure what needs doing or what’s going down once the Mission 3 people get here to free Clank, one of us might be able to drop by and swing a sledgehammer against a door…

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Don’t worry Bubba, I’ll make sure Toecutter see’s the light of The Craftsman up close and personal like…

+3 Craftsman Wrench of Badassdom

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Bill tried to sleep before the mission, he tossed and turned in the cab of his Tow-truck trying to get comfortable, but couldn’t seem to find his comfy spot. Baby-Girl, his pet mutant Pibble whined softly from the passenger side floor boards…

Forcing his mind to shutdown, Bill squeezed his eyes shut and a fitful rest finally embraced him. Bill unconsciously kicked his feet as the Nanites in his cerebrum played havoc with his Dendrites, and the mechanic dreamt of his revenge on Fleetwood and Toecutter…

“I am a Mechanic, and I am here to do The Craftsman’s work.”

Bill’s mumbled incoherently as he rolled over on the bench seat of his F-250, and his dream-mind wandered further down the rabbit hole…

“BUT-TER-FLY…”

Bill snored to himself as his mind fell backwards into nostalgia, and drool began dripping down the trucks vinyl upholstery and onto the rubberized floorboards and forming a small puddle next to Baby-Girl…

Bill’s mind flew at warped speed through space and time, he was born and he died and was he was reborn again.

“…butterfly…”

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Long ago, when the billionaire philanthropist was a mere multimillionaire… and actually still wanted to help people.

And now, after the radioactive L.A. sunlight has scorched all color from the ground and sky, the old secret cave is guarded by one of Fleetwood’s top lieutenants, handpicked for his cunning, his relentless bloodthirst, and his skill with the deadly Bubble-Emitting Lethal Concentration Halide Emission Reactor, the use of which has been known to cause obesity and uncontrollable hair growth on wielders who forget to seal their helmets to their hazmat suits… and you should see what it does to its intended victims!

Deep inside the cave, Fleetwood admires the simplicity of the box handed to him by the exhausted old Mechanic. Palm-sized, matte black, with a single red button, a single black button, and an elegant Bakelite dial.

-“Step inside, Toeboy.”

-“Why don’t you step inside yourself?”

-“Show some sense, son. We can’t trust the Mechanic inside an impervious force-field with the Gen V. We might never get them out again. And you and I aren’t getting in together just yet. What if we can’t get out? What if it collapses on us and squishes us like a portable black hole?”

-“How likely is…”

-“You read the specs. You know how powerful the Gen V might be, as much as any of us do. She’s a dwarf star on a leash in a blue plastic portashitter, with a control interface management CPU and dynamic link library the likes of which have never been seen before. I have no doubt she’s smarter than both of us put together, about a million times over, and I’m not about to give her the slightest opportunity to wriggle out from under my thumb.”

-“So why should I…?”

-“Cause I’m holdin’ the button, Toecutter, you dense sonofabitch. Either you stand next to that one-holer honeywagon and test the force-field like a good and loyal second-in-command, or you wander on outside with Ro-Man and take your chances against the Mechanic’s friends when they come lookin’ for him.”

-“Hey, boss? I need to take a leak.”

-“Not now, Ro-Man. You stay right where you’re at, you hear me? The first sign of anyone coming up the canyon, you let 'em have it with the B.E.L.C.H.E.R.”

-“Christ, where do you hire these guys?”

-“Shut up, dummy. Now get in the shitter.”

-“All right, all right…”

The red button was pressed, and an eerie, charcoal-steely orb appeared, reflecting all but a narrow bandwidth of visible light. Fleetwood admired the sphere for a moment, then fired every gun he could reach at it. To his satisfaction, the force field held with nary a ripple. He pressed the black button and the force field vanished, revealed a shaken but impressed Toecutter.

-“Looks like it works, dummy. Excellent work, wrench! I think I owe you a bonus…”

-"… where’s your Mechanic, Fleetwood?"

Indeed, there was no sign of Clankenstein in the cave. A faint puff of steam curled lazily down from a shaft in the southwest corner.

-“Goddamn. Hey, Ro-Man!”

-“Just stepped away for a quick piss, boss.”

-“You damned fool. Did anyone come out of the cave?”

-“No sir, not a soul, and I was watching close. But I hear some engines coming hard and fast up the canyon. I’d better warm up the B.E.L.C.H.E.R.”

-“Help me load the Gen V into my Caddy, Toe, then stick close. We’re outta here.”

-“What about the wrench?”

-“We got what we need outta him. No time to tie up that particular loose end. I doubt he’ll trouble us. Now move! We gotta get this shitter to Vasquez Rocks.”

-“Why the hell did you move out there, anyway? Wasn’t the Citadel a better stronghold?”

-“Didn’t turn out to be as secure as I’d hoped. Too many ways in and out, couldn’t watch all approaches. The Vasquez H.Q. is simpler. Higher ground, only one viable approach from the ground, easier to guard. Not haunted. Unlikely to disturb nameless old gods from the dawn of the planet. Warmer, better view, plenty of natural light, spacious…”

-“Okay, I get it, you can take off the gold sportcoat. How’d you come by that place, anyway?”

-“Funny you should ask. It was a pretty good deal I made, years ago, maybe nine months after the war ended. It was my first foray into the desert after consolidating my influence in Watts. It came about because of a car I wanted, this Cadillac right here. And a particularly ugly card game…”

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I am sad to be loitering at the zoo. This place sucks.


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Every Saturday night,
I felt the fever grow…
Do you know what it’s like?
All revv’ed up, with no place to go.

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Apparently somehow the BUM has been asleep for the last week straight. (Shit’s unnatural, I know already alright?)

Luckily for all of us the old man cant remember much of his waking time let along his dream time! So fortunately we all have been spared most of that horror show…

But Bill did half way wake up when Junior knocked on his window,

“Mm, Hum! Nah… no place to go…”

the mechanic stammered half comatose, and then strangely enough Bill’s broken TCB started to telepathically broadcast his mutant Pibble, Baby-Girl’s dreams:

Junior knew that Bill needed a few more hours of sleep to commune with The Craftsman, so he decided to let sleeping mechanics lie…

“ZZZZZzzzz…”

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Sometimes it seems as though time stands still. And then we blink, and our goatees have a dozen more white hairs. And we realize we didn’t actually have goatees last time we checked.

But we finally have some Results for Round Seven now.

Listen to The Craftsman: The End Is Nigh!

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