Badass Dragons of the Wasteland - Round Seven Missions

Nearly immediately, Blazer tore off after Mad Mel’s hastily repainted Lincoln Futura

in a rage-fueled but vain attempt to overtake and reclaim the kid, but Cougar herself surprised most of those who remained by the Ark by stomping over to the Mechanic’s workbench, grabbing the dusty severed head from the first Stretch, shoving a #2 Phillips screwdriver into its left nostril, and twisting hard to the left.

Once again, a few familiar sentence fragments surfaced through horrible static and feedback:

…middle of something, this better…

…was right… dular Gen V on boa…

…ellent news…

…ust enough time to ID…

…eally have to announce …and fast," as you…

…let Bubba get… tactical error…

…ow they know y… as hard to pry it…

…killed them all yet?

…her mama and…

…superannuated fool…

Shut… a chance to grab thi… predictably screw up…

…should be given control…

…you messed everything… have to stain the floor of my main audience chamber with a whole mess of blood and guts… outta your cut… Jesus Christ! Goddammit, get those motherfu… shit, the roof!!

We gotta figure this out. Stretch’s head has had untrammeled access to the TCB all along. We have to find out who was in on this, and what was communicated, if we ever hope to get… to get them back. I’m going after my boy. He’s not why the rest of you are here, he’s not remotely important to the future of the human race… but he is my son, and the only reason I exist at all.

I need some of you to find out where Clankenstein is being held. We need him back as much as he needs us to come get him. None of this is worth doing if we abandon our principles and each other… the whole point of leaving this place and starting over is to make a better life for our children, and to make every effort to ensure that we deserve a better future. We need to get Clank. And to make sure our future has a future of its own, we need to get Marion as well. In order to do any of that, we need to decrypt all the messages that the Head has intercepted. That is our one ace in the hole, the one way to get the knowledge we need to strike proactively rather than reactively. We are too slow and too weak to have any hope otherwise.

But it all needs to happen at once. Clank! If you can hear me, we’re coming to get you. But we need your help in hacking Stretch’s Head one more time. Any information you can provide us about your location would be of great assistance in getting you back. We’re down to our last Mechanic, and as brilliant and tireless as Bill is, he can’t do it without you. Help us figure out these encoded TCB messages, and try and tell us where you are! If you can uncover any information about Marion, let us know!

And if you know where Mel has taken my boy, please tell me as soon as you can. I have to find him. You all understand. I can’t wait here. I have to find him.

I have to.

Mission One: Road Warriors

Go after Mad Mel and try to get the Kid back. This will require top SP and high MV. The Madmobile is extremely fast, and can drop oil slicks, smokescreens, caltrops, and low-FP mines behind it. Hold your fire since the kid’s on board and we can’t risk blowing him up. We just have to keep in sight of Mel and see where he’s taking the Kid. Fast as the Madmobile is, it gets truly awful gas mileage, so Mel can’t elude us forever. If our LK and SP and MV hold out, we can stay in range. And the Kid’s resourceful. Maybe he can help engineer a way we can grab him without getting him (or us) killed.

Mission Costs:
Gas. Unknown cost at this point; depends on how long we have to chase Mel.

Mission Risks:
Caltrops and mines (HP damage), oil slicks and smokescreens (SP and MV hits). If he gets too far away, we’ll lose him.

Mission Payout:
20LP for embarking. +10LP if you evade obstacles and keep up long enough to find the ultimate destination. Remain there, report back via TCB and await orders.

Mission Two: Some Heads Are Gonna Roll

Hack Stretch’s Head once again to decode the encrypted TCB messages to find out who betrayed Marion, and where to find Clank and the Kid.

This will require puzzle-solving skills. The Drivers on Mission Two shall receive a broadcast straight into their minds from Stretch’s Head… a message in the form of a puzzle. Together, by solving the puzzle in both its layers, they will decipher the mysteries of the encrypted TCB messages and also figure out where Clank is being held.

Mission Costs:
See Jane for enhanced hacking aids. Her post is forthcoming, and the actual mission puzzle will come out tomorrow, so… no huge rush yet. (It’s slightly more complicated than expected.)

Mission Risks:
For those in contact with the Head, electrocution. For those in remote TCB contact, TCB overload at xHP damage. Both dependent upon LK and EN vs dice rolls.

Mission Payout:
25LP for successful hacking. +Freedom if you’re Clank.

Mission Three: House of Clankenstein

Move out to find Clank and rescue him from Fleetwood’s hideout. Success will depend on a successful resolution of Mission Two, as well as survival factors.

Mission Costs:
Gas. Unknown mileage.

Mission Risks:
Unknown at this time. High FP, AR, MV, SP, EN… whatever you can muster will be desirable.

Mission Payout:
20LP for heading out. +10LP for successfully freeing Clank.

Note: Stay Tuned for a message from Jane! She’ll be disbursing loot from both the Citadel catacombs and the Paramount prop house, and some items might be most useful this round!


Hi everyone,

Boy, have I got some goodies for you!

I’ve collected most of the stuff you all grabbed on your last missions and gone through it all to see what it is.

Normally, you’d receive loot specifically based on the mission you chose. This time, it’s such a random assortment I’m going to have to ask that you figure out what you want yourselves. Supplies are limited so it’s first-come first-served, but I know you all can work it out nicely.

First, I’d like to mention what we found in the Citadel catacombs. As it turned out, there wasn’t a whole lot of what we normally consider valuable loot. However, Fleetwood’s sneaker collection is quite impressive. I tried some of them on and somehow (perhaps it’s just the confidence that comes with new shoes) they provide tangible stat boosts!

As a bonus, Fleetwood is going to be pissed when he sees us wearing these. I’m talking new-in-box 20+ year old vintage sneakers. The guy obviously loved this stuff. Throw them on and start getting them dirty ASAP to really annoy him.

Nike Flyknit Lunar 1+ Multi (three pairs: size women’s 9, men’s 10, men’s 12):

These running shoes give you +8 SP.

Nike Killshot 2 (size men’s 12):

These bestow +8 FP (they help you make that kill shot).

Nike Air Force 1 High (size men’s 10.5):

These basketball shoes have good grip, so give you +9 TQ.

Nike Roshe Run, Black Mesh (two pairs: size men’s 11.5, and women’s 8):

Despite the name, these weren’t actually made for running so they won’t give you any SP. But they are supremely comfortable, so you do get +8 Max HP.

Nike Air Yeezy 2, Grey (size men’s 12):

These are pretty silly, but give you +9 AR.

Nike Mag (size men’s 11):

A very limited edition reproduction of the shoes Marty McFly wears in Back to the Future 2, these were auctioned for Michael J. Fox’s parkinson’s disease charity. +5 Max HP and +5 LK

Nike Air Jordan 1 (originals from 1985, size men’s 9)

More basketball shoes, slightly older vintage. Worth thousands of dollars at one time, hope you don’t mind taking the tags off after all these years. +9 TQ.

Common Projects Achilles Low, White Leather (two pairs: sizes 46 & 38):

Extremely stylish for the minimalist but purportedly slightly uncomfortable. European sizing. +8 FP.

Maison Martin Margiela German Army Trainers (size 42):

An extremely expensive replica of inexpensive but typically well-engineered trainers used by cold war era German Army. European sizing. +8 FP.

Skechers Twinkle Toes High Boots (girls size 10):

Hmm. +20 LK, if you’re rad enough.

Rick Owens Dunks (size 40):

Astonishingly expensive and quite silly. European sizing. +8 MV.

Vans, 1960’s deadstock (almost every size available):

If you don’t like any of those choices (or you can’t find your size), Fleetwood also has a whole shipping container full of what appear to be 1960’s deadstock Vans. Most are blue (as pictured) but you can also choose red, white, or black. These will give you +8 Max HP.

Nike Mars Yard by Tom Sachs (size men’s 9:

Designed with input from an engineer at NASA JPL who worked on prewar Mars missions, these give you an astonishing +20 EN.

However, you can only have these if you’re going on Mission 2. Hope it’s the right size.

Some of you grabbed other boxes which you already showed off. If you want those shoes instead, let me know here and tell me what stat boost you think they provide (though I’ll have to test them myself). Additionally, if you like the shoes you have now, show me those too and I’ll see what I can do.

Next, we have a box of props from Paramount. Here’s the inventory that was stapled to the box:

I went through and tested all this stuff to figure out what it is.

Reverse-Polarity Alternating Capacitor

I scratched my head over this one for a bit. I could see that it’s a big capacitor, but it wasn’t until I reversed the polarity that I figured out how it can be used. Attach this to your vehicle’s body, and charge the capacitor from your alternator. When engaged, an immense electric shock will course through the body - repelling anything touching your ride. I imagine it’d be particularly effective against Harbor Squid, though of course we aren’t headed back that way. I tested it on some Valley Girl Zombies and it was, like, TOTALLY bitchin’. I came back without a scratch! Of course, Valley Girl Zombies aren’t much of a threat, if we’re honest.

I’d call it +30 AR against non-vehicle enemies.

Mark 1 Phaser - Handheld

I thought these were just broken laser pointers - something I haven’t seen since before the war of course - until I set a dead Valley Girl Zombie on fire while testing them. I think they must be industrial lasers with a mysterious power supply. They work like standard industrial lasers, though, which means they are pulsed and only work in short bursts. The handheld ones recycle more quickly, but are not as powerful. Still, they provide a powerful initial blast against most targets - I would say +20 FP. But against most enemies, that only applies to every other round of combat (or every other non-vehicle enemy encountered).

They can also be used to cut most materials, including steel, though nothing particularly thick. We have two of these.

Mark 2 Phaser - Mounted

These are just bigger versions of the Mark 1. They provide a whopping +65 FP, but can only be used every fifth round of combat. If you’re wondering, yes, the way combat is calculated that is still quite a wallop, but who knows what might happen when it’s recharging.

These will also cut through most materials. Although they’re more likely to disintegrate most things, so be careful. We have two of these.

Dilithium Crystals

There was a package of 12 of these. If you’ll recall, I did study geology a bit before the war, but I wasn’t sure exactly what these were - I mistakenly assumed that they were actually some common crystal (presumably quartz), but their properties were quite unusual. Don’t ask how, but I figured out that if you place these in your fuel tank they provides a permanent and non-damaging boost of energy. Each crystal will provide +6 SP. There’s one in my fuel tank, so that leaves 11 for you scouts (or whoever) to distribute.

Starfleet Academy Textbook

Assuming this was all nonsense, I didn’t pay it much mind initially. But when I had some free time I decided to flip through it to see if there was anything interesting. It turns out that they apparently filled the pages of this prop by printing stuff out from a Star Trek wiki. Though I did watch some reruns back before the war, I was pretty young and don’t remember much, so most of the stuff in the book was meaningless. However, I came across something interesting called The Picard Maneuver. This maneuver causes your enemy to think that your vehicle is in two places at once - while they’re firing upon the wrong place, you’re in position to get a shot off at them that they aren’t prepared to dodge. I was skeptical that this would work without a warp engine, but I tried it and it seemed to work. Since most of you aren’t literate, this loot is a private lesson with me teaching you the maneuver, providing an astonishing +20 MV. Why can’t I teach more than one driver? Back off man, I’m busy.

Horga’hn statuette

This one really stumped me. Fortunately, the wiki in the textbook mentioned this, and included this helpful illustration:

Apparently, this comes from the pleasure planet of Risa, where “displaying a horga’hn statuette indicated that one was seeking jamaharon, a mysterious and pleasurable sexual practice native to that world". In other words, possessing this enables you to get lucky, to the tune of +17 LK. We have two of these.

Finally, we have three communicator badges.

I thought these rather shoddy-looking props were nonfunctional at first, but upon closer inspection they appeared to be TCB links. I set them aside to look at something else, and within a few minutes I started to hear signals coming from them that were coming out as static through my own TCB link. Apparently these have Stark cryptography microchips capable of decoding encrypted TCB communications. I guess they were probably making these for the NSA, not sure how they ended up in cheap props.

These will be critical for those choosing mission 2, so they have to go to those drivers. Afterwards, they will provide a permanent +10 EN boost (and can be traded).

So… talk amongst yourselves and decide who wants what.

Now, I know what you’re thinking - where’s New Stretch? What are my current stats? How many LPs do I have?

Well, there’s no Stretch on this stretch (heh) of highway. Toecutter burned Valley Stretch down and salted his land, and Beverly Hills Stretch seems to have disappeared (Fleetwood likely needed him). So there are no regular upgrades.

As for your stats and LPs… this information is coming. Fortunately, you can get some nice upgrades without worrying about that right now! All this stuff is free!


Right, well, I’ll be on Mission 3. High AR, high FP. high EN, high LK.

I need to buff my speed though as I keep getting told, so the Nike Flykit Lunar 1s would be nice.

And perhaps the star fleet textbook?


One or Two for me, depending on which needs more help.

I’m leaning towards a nice pair of Vans I found in the trunk, these Hosoi LTD SK8-Hi, I’m wondering if they provide as much HP kick as the other kicks, I feel about 8HP stronger, but that might just be the new shoes feeling.

I’d also take a Mark I handheld phaser and one of them fancy wooden statues for the dashboard to show the kids. If there’s any crystals left I’d take one of those too.


Do we get one of each?

I’ve always wanted a pair of Air Jordans.

And a Mark 2 mounted would do.


I’ll be doing Mission Three: House of Clankenstein. Unknown dangers and a mechanic to save, is just what an escort is built to do.

That said, I wouldn’t mind buffing up on my +9AR with these weird looking Yeezys

And I think I have enough HP to handle a Mark 2 Phaser (+65FP every fifth round).


Ask for anything you want, we’ll figure it out social-like.


I rather fancy these, size 46, and +8 FP would be lovely.

I’ve taken a liking to a Dilithium crystal at +6 SP, and rather like the look of the Reverse-Polarity Alternating Capacitor (I think I still have a date with the Ugly Mariner after his despoiling of Pinky).

Mission 3 for me.


I think there should be enough such that everyone can get a pair of shoes and a Star Trek prop. Probably there will be enough that everyone can get more than that, we’ll see.


I had a look and indeed those do seem to provide a +8 Max HP boost. I was curious about this since the others were only +6, so I went back and tried those again. Perhaps it’s just because it’s such a beautiful day out (I was testing them late at night previously), but I believe the others that provided +6 Max HP will actually provide +8 Max HP as well! Thanks for the heads up!


One more thing - when I went searching for Beverly Hills Stretch 3, I managed to sneak in his shop without setting off the security system and grab the 3D flesh printer. On the way out I did accidentally set off the alarm, and long story short the place is a crater in the ground now.

But those of you missing fingers will now have some relief, once I figure out how to make this thing work. I may have to adapt the mysterious power supply from one of the phasers to power it, but they will remain available for your use (I will just need to borrow it).


That cat is going to get huge eating all those kidneys.


Those are spleens, unless my eyes deceive me. Rich in iron, low in fat. Good thing: Puss was looking a bit anemic.


Surrounded by great pixel art, bad puns, and De’Ath.

I dreaming that I am in in a Roger Wilco reboot and I don’t want anyone to pinch me.

Hey Major, any relation to Circuit Sidney?


Mmmm … who?

1 Like

You know…

OOC: These were my favorite games as a kid, I loved all the Sierra Adventure games!


I would like a MK 1 Phaser most of all. I’m a huge Trekkie from back in the days of Re-Runs and I picked that mission specifically after seeing the Star Trek prop room pics.

I would also really love the Nike Mag’s BTF2 replica’s but alas, after my dip in the L.A. River my left foot seems to have mutated into a size 13.5 right foot, so I will have to go with the Vans dead stock, 2 boxes please, one size 11.5 one size 13.5, thank you!

Everyone knows my luck is the worst, so if there is a Horga’hn statue left over I surely could use one!

Almost forgot! Obviously I’m going on mission 3! :smile:


What? Everyone knows spleens are the blue button further down.

Also: Avoid the purple button. It’s labeled “Mystery” for a reason.


Aha - OK. No relation, but his name does make me feel anxious. Rare bloody thing for me, that.


~Clank: mood = toiling in darkness~

~The prayers to the Craftsman are like a mantra that keeps the mechanic sane. He knows his friends are coming for him, but he also knows they probably have no clue as to his location.~

~With each hour that passes, Clank tries to piece together little clues from his environment. Every little squeak or rumble, the scents, the stray overheard snippets of conversation from the guards; each could be the clue that is key to solving the puzzle.~

~He continues to try to engineer subtle but fatal flaws into the project to which his captor has set him.~