Badass Dragons of the Wasteland - Round Five

The smoke has finally dissipated above the shattered ruins of the Citadel, which gleam like broken teeth underneath the full moon. Nothing stirs but a few monstrous mutated rats who feast upon the spilled leavings beneath the catering tables, until a single bite of the chili seizes up their limbs and they expire in squeaking agony.

The lower levels of the old tire factory are still largely intact. Down there are lightless vaults, unviewed by human eyes for most of a decade, where Fleetwood’s stoutest cybernetic assistants were charged with storing many of his rarest and most precious prizes. There lies, undisturbed, untold plunder that Fleetwood amassed throughout his ascendancy to power, much of which he no longer remembers he possesses.

But there’s a good reason it’s still down there after all this time, and a good reason why he doesn’t see fit to remove it.

The Citadel itself has long been rumored haunted by the unquiet shades of its long-dead builders, men who labored in torment and perished in darkness to build an Assyrian palace in Los Angeles to flatter the ego of a megalomaniacal rubber tycoon. The ghosts cause little trouble on the upper, aboveground levels of the Citadel, so Fleetwood didn’t believe in their existence, and in fact thought it a clever plan to hide his valuables down in the basement, since the mere reputation of the specters’ fury could serve as a cheap deterrent to thievery.

A late night visit downstairs to gloat over his vintage Air Jordan collection soon disabused him of his casual attitude toward the spirits. He won’t talk about what happened, but hasn’t since displayed any urge to retrieve anything from the catacombs underneath the factory floor. At the moment, Fleetwood appears to have abandoned the Citadel completely, though it must be killing him to leave such a trove behind.

We need a few things from down there. First of all, he’s got gas. One hundred 55-gallon drums, all treated with Extended-Duty STA-BIL fuel stabilizer, so your engines will run better than they have in the last ten years. But there’s much more down there. Not just weapons and armor, but things we could actually use on Mars. Paranoid asshole he may be, but Fleetwood is an utterly first-class packrat.

But I’m not about to go down into the Citadel’s catacombs, nor will I send any of you down there, without having something to deal with the restless dead. And I know just the guy to enlist.

Some of you will have to join me as I drive out to the Westside to pick up my old pal Billy. He and his brother Brian have a thing or two we could use to help us infiltrate the Citadel. Last I heard, however, they were holed up in Billy’s house, surrounded by zombies and dug in for a very long siege. If we can extricate them, I think they’ll be inclined to help us.

I also want to approach an old friend who usually haunts the Roxy over on Sunset. Don’t let his appearance frighten you. In fact, he was dead and zombified years before it became cool in that neighborhood, but his system was so pickled before the zombification process begun that nobody really noticed the difference, least of all him.

There’s some vital astrogational data we’ll need for the Mars trip, and Stark’s copy was destroyed aboard his Helicarrier. Two archival copies exist. Well, technically, three copies exist, but one of those happens to be an inconvenient distance away:

There’s a copy at Amoeba Records in Hollywood, and another underneath the site of the old Tower Records on Sunset. The Sunset Strip is fairly overrun with rock-and-roll zombies, which not only move faster and hit harder than your garden-variety Deadites, but are also capable of driving cars. And wait until you see what they drive:

Their concentration is pretty easily broken, however, if you play the right kind of music at suitably earsplitting volume, for the only thing they love more than driving fast and eating the brains of the living is rocking out hard to the tunes of their misspent lives.

There are many more Rock Zombies on the Strip near Tower, so it might seem that Amoeba Records would be a safer target, but… well, Amoeba’s got problems of its own.

Yep, that’s The Blob. Impervious to all physical attacks (you’ll remember they resorted to freezing it and shipping it off to the Arctic in 1958), you’re gonna have to use your noodle here.

Ask Lemmy for help, and he might be able to offer guidance or moral support. Or at least a killer bass line.

A third destination will be Dodger Stadium. We’re in dire need of gas, since there’s no guarantee at all we’ll be able to access the barrels in the Citadel’s basement, so if anyone wants or needs a no-brainer mission, they can take a siphon hose and as many gas cans as they can carry to the stadium parking lot and start suckin’. See how many gallons you can collect before you draw unwanted attention to yourself, and see how many gallons you can avoid spilling on your headlong flight back to the convoy!

But there’s another reason to hit the stadium. The parking lot is full because the bombs fell in the middle of a ballgame. The 50,000 shambling skeletons therein are radioactive bat-wielding ghouls (since Chelsea happened to start her Little War on Fan Appreciation Bat Night), and one of them carries something of interest. Stark’s aide-de-camp, Ms. Potts, was in attendance, seated in the Stark Industries luxury box, passed out after a regrettable overindulgence in Dodger Dogs and Blue Moon beer.

So anyway, she missed Stark’s frantic texts to hurry back to the Helicarrier, the bombs are on the way, where the hell areya? And in her jeans pocket, her shambling corpse carries the key to the Ark’s glovebox, wherein lies the emergency release handle to the galley door. It’ll be a long, hungry flight to Mars if we can’t get the galley open, with nary a Dodger Dog between us. So duck that bat and grab that key. The radioactive ghouls are sensitive to nonradioactive people, so if any of you happen to have been irradiated at some point, that would confer a distinct advantage.

Oh, look. There’s the East L.A. branch of Fleetwood MacChanics. With the TCB connection to the home office down, maybe they haven’t heard that we’re personae non grata to Fleetwood. With any luck, they’ll do business with us.

Anyone got plates to spend?

Mission One: Who You Gonna Call?

Penetrate the zombie hordes of the Westside and rescue Billy and Brian from their besieged home. Bring them back to the Ark to see if they can help infiltrate the Haunted Citadel.

Mission Costs: Gas. Round Trip, 40 miles. Scouts will use 1 gallon, Escorts 2 gallons, Mules and Mechanics 4 gallons. Also, you’ll need a new hat. Hats are de rigueur on the Westside this season. Cop a classy chapeau at Fleetwood MacChanics to improve your odds of success.

Risks: A few hundred zombies, as well as a couple of Raiders per Driver. Weirdly, these Westsiders are still smitten with fame, even after all they’ve been through, and word of your exploits has reached them. Those of you with high MaxHP will attract… well, autograph seekers. And they’re likely to want more than an autograph. The less-fabled among you may have an easier time sneaking through the rabble.

Mission Two: Overnight Sensation

2A: Overkill (Tower Sunset)
2B: Killed By Death (Amoeba Records)

Find Lemmy at the Roxy. Tell him your preference as to which record store you want to hit to obtain the Voyager record. Dice roll determines whether he helps you or throws you to the wolves. High EN will help your chances (he appreciates a competent engineer), and sufficiently high LK might help you roll the Ace of Spades: he packs up his Rickenbacker bass and rides shotgun in your vehicle, adding +8FP and +6LK though cutting your fuel economy in half and annoying Mechanics to the point where they can only fix up to 50% of your MaxHP on the next Repair visit (junkyard mechanics unaffected).

Mission Costs: Gas. Round Trip, 40 miles. Scouts will use 1 gallon, Escorts 2 gallons, Mules and Mechanics 4 gallons. Also, you’ll need a new hat. Hats are de rigueur on the Westside this season. Cop a classy chapeau at Fleetwood MacChanics to improve your odds of success.

2A Risks: Rock and Roll Zombies. They drink, they drive, they drink some more, they hunger for human flesh, but they can’t resist stopping to headbang their fool skulls off if the right song is played. They also appreciate style and flair. Doll up your ride to match the vibe of the Strip circa 1982, and you’ll earn their grudging respect and admiration. Just watch out for the groupies. That’s not lipstick stuck to their teeth.

2B Risks: The Blob. It creeps and leaps, and glides and slides across the floor, right through the door, and all around the wall, a splotch, a blotch, be careful of the Blob. Beware of the Blob! This is a fairly indeterminate risk, after all, what does one do with a Blob? Maybe try reasoning with it. Offer to trade the Voyager record for a particularly favorite Burt Bacharach single. Intimidate it into retreating by posting a 10-second video of you singing the climax of “Let it Go” from the Frozen soundtrack, since we know the cold does bother it anyway. The most creative and obviously-successful solution posted will win the record and a 10LP bonus. Particularly lame solutions will be clobbered with Blobby’s high FP Absorption/Assimilation Attack.

Mission Three: Put Me In, Coach!

Infiltrate Dodger Stadium, duck the bats of the Irradiated Ghouls, and retrieve the Key from Ms. Potts’ pocket.

Mission Costs: Gas. Round Trip, 20 miles. Scouts will use 0.5 gallon, Escorts 1 gallons, Mules and Mechanics 2 gallons. Also, you should consider a new hat. Hats are not necessary on this side of town, but displaying your team loyalties may help you out once inside the ballpark. Cop a classy chapeau at Fleetwood MacChanics to improve your odds of success.

Risks: About 50,000 Irradiated Ghouls, though you’ll only encounter the ones in your section if you move fast (probably a couple dozen). High SP and/or LK will help. There are also 18 Irradiated Ballplayer Ghouls, who are naturally much harder hitters with their bats. One or two may end up in your section. If you yourself happen to be radioactive, people won’t even notice you unless Ms. Potts makes a squawk when you try to swipe her key.

Mission Four: The Fuel on the Hill

Siphon as much gas as you can from the derelict cars in the stadium parking lot. You common hoodlum, you.

Mission Costs: Effectively nothing, since you’ll gas up to the brim upon your return, and maybe have surplus fuel to sell as well. If you return.

Risks: Irradiated Parking Lot Security. They’re slow and brittle, but dedicated.

Check your shopping, upgrade, and repair options below at Fleetwood MacChanics!

Once you have all your shit tucked in and ready to roll, the Round Five Entry Form is here.


Hullo, guys, gals, and others. Mah name is Stretch. No, not Judge. Mah name is Stretch. To be specific, ah’m Stretch, v.

I heard some sort a kind a rumor about the last Stretch y’all had doin’s with, and it seems to me that ya got the best a him. Far as ah’m concerned, y’all did a favor by everybody. Stretch v. was a ornery kind a bastard, the kind wat didn’t care who some ever he was takin’ avantage a, so long as he got hisself a coupla more LPs. Y’all seem like a good crowd though, and not to be mucked about with. Betcha he was getting’ awful nervous ‘round about the time he realized what ya thought a him. Just about the end, I reckon he was feelin’ right about like a long-tailed cat in a room full a rockin’ chairs.

Anyhow, I ain’t nothin’ like him nohow, so I hope that we don’t have the same kinda issues like wat ya had with that feller.

Well, ‘nuff chit-chat. Here’s wat I got.

Ah’m sure that y’all are lookin’ for repairs, ‘fore all else. Well, I’ll do ya for cheap, as a token of my good faith. ‘Sides, I don’t wanna get kilt like that other bastard. Here’s the deal. It seems that most folks is all set gettin’ up to 75% repairs from private sector mechs, so I don’t suppose ah’ll hafta do so many of these repairs, but I’ll get ya up to 75% for 8 LP. I don’t care how much HP ya gotta make up to get there. After the parts kit, it’s just labor, and ah got all the time in the world, so I can afford to go some lower than the last bastard. When it comes to it, ya folks what got foreign cars, ah can getcha up to 100% for another LP per 2 HP. A whole buncha my Haynes manuals was stolen a while back, so the only manual I got fer domestic kind a cars is the ’03 Saab 9-3. Since that’s the case, and all a them ‘03 car computers was fried, I can’t bring domestic cars to 100%.

Ah got lots a hats. Well, I got lots a them, but only in a coupla few types. Here’s the choices. Ah got Dodgers hats, first a all, considerin’ that this was that baseball team’s territory back in the day. And then after them all, that biker gang what had the same name. ‘Sides them all, I got some Oakland Raiders and New England Bruins caps somewhere in the trunk. Hain’t got a clue why, but there they are. Anyhow, that ain’t here or there. So, those caps. They cost 2 LP fer each one, and the bonus y’all get out a it is somewheres around +5 MV, since it’ll keep the sun oughta your eyes and give you a little more reaction time. We also got a coupla fancy hats. Fer those a ya who’s goin’ to Beverly Hills, I gots a nice old stovepipe hat, but this is my last shipment, I suppose, so don’t go an’ lose ‘em or nothin’. Those hats will give ya +2 SP, instead of +5 MV, ‘cause the money you pay will speed your passage through life. Same price though. I got a few top hats left too, fer those of ya goin’ to Mission 2. That oughta give you just enough of a disguise to slip by those zombies. 'Sides which, they’ll give ya +2 AR, because of the intimidation factor. All of 'em cost the same.

One hat per customer!

I ain’t got most a my shipments in recently. Somethin’ must be up with Fleetwood’s distribution system. Huh. You guys ain’t had nothin’ to do with that, did ya? Tell, ya what, don’t answer that. So long as ya’ll don’t string me up, that’s enough fer me. The issue here is that since I ain’t got the parts, the only uprades I got fer ya is a buncha old guns in the back, which I suppose I could sell fer 10 LP for a 15 FP automatic-targeting rifle. Iff’n ya can’t pay all that much, or you ain’t gotta increase yer FP, I also got some steel plates which’ll give ya +10 AR for 8 LP.

I got a buncha cans a Blue Dog back in the storage unit. They’re good shit, and they’ll give you a ** +3 SP bonus for one turn**, but you’ll crash after that caffeine high. I gotta pay around 18 LP for a case of 30, but I’ll sell them to y’all fer 1 LP per can. I know I’m takin’ a loss, but you folks done scared me with what y’all did to the rusty old bastard, so I’ll let 'em go way below MSRP.

Sorry I cain’t offer ya more choices, but like I said, the parts I need hain’t come in in no where near enough amount to be able to give y’all some good ‘nuff upgrades. If ya want to order something, either reply to this post directly, or use the submission sheet. The submission sheet is preferable, but ah’ll poke through the replies to my message as well.


Two, shirley?

Do we have to have Lemmy along if we’re ‘lucky’ enough? Sounds like the penalties are much worse than the rewards.

Wouldn’t 80% make this less complicated, so it lines up with the UAW mechs?


[Not all luck is good.][1] And no, you can foist him off if you want.

[1]:[quote=“daneel, post:3, topic:23710”]
Wouldn’t 80% make this less complicated, so it lines up with the UAW mechs?

Yeah, that was a typo. Should be 80%. Nah, Stretch was right. He knows his own capabilities. Auto repair has never been the most exciting part of this game, but resources must be managed. Eat your veg!


Well naow, ain’t ya know that it’s always been 75%? Don’t be some kinda other feller and insist that what I can do is 80%. I just can’t. Ah don’t much care that all you folks is got repairs up to 75%. I ain’t lookin’ to make money offen’ that, anyhows. Still though, ah’m a nice enough feller, I like to think, and ah’ll do good enough by all y’all.

Tell ya wat, things is complicated enuff as is. I don’t want to make it moreso. I made ya a bargain anyways. Best take 'vantage a it 'fore ya lose the chance.

1 Like

Initial take on the missions.

This round consists of solo missions. The two varieties of MIssion 2 creativity over in-game stats – which is a pretty oool twist. Of course, f you can strike up a successful artistic collaboration, all the better.

Mission 1 seems to be mostly about FP.
Mission 2A is mostly about assembling a killer playlist
Mission 2B is mostly about using digital-fu to create animated gifs, videos, and the like
Mission 3 is about SP and LK
MIssion 4 is a low-risk low-return mission. Unless you insist on smoking.

Or so it seems. I look forward to more complete analysis.


My geography is a little sketchy. When you refer to Beverly Hills, is that the same as Westside? i.e. do we have to buy the Top Hat or the Stovepipe for Mission 1 or 2, and the Sports Cap for 3? Would we get the same benefit if we did them the other way around?

A gentleman never wears a sports cap. So plebian. I shall be purchasing a topper regardless.


Beverly Hills is indeed on the Westside, though so is the stretch of West Hollywood known as the Sunset Strip. You can buy whatever hat you wish, or none at all. But certain hats will assist you in certain ways on certain missions. Something that helps you today might be wisely traded for something else tomorrow.

Hiya, fella. Here’s the options fer what ya can choose 'sides the cap.

Ya got this top hat:

And ya got this stovepipe:

There they is. I reckon ya was askin’ about what in the heck ya can buy 'sides them baseball caps, so now ya can see wat kinds a fancy hats you got fer options. So now I do hope ya can see the options ya got.


I think 1 is about a balanced attack and more of a warning to those with high HP are going to be gone after. Sounds like those of us in the 30’s are going to have a little easier time of it. BUt some nice FP isn’t going to hurt. With a good balance raiders and zombies are going to present the regular amount of trouble we have seen.

Concur about 2A and 2B, 2B could also be a descriptive tale I imagine, any kind of good creative work.

SP and LK on 3 for certain and 4 sounds like low return, but you certainly get a full tank out of it, might be good for high HP mules that can haul fuel back.

I’m leaning towards 1 at this point, I do like to save a dude in distress. Never cared much for baseball anyway and I think I’ve spent my fair time in the Hollywood area recently.

There is, of course, an exception to every rule (although I’m open to debate as to whether this chap was really a gentleman…)

I shall be taking on Mission 1, warnings be damned. I shall be riding into the Valley of Death. I’ve been a bullet sponge every round up until now, why change the habit of a lifetime?


~Bill: mood = confused~

Bill laid still down in the dirt, his pet Pibble Baby-girl frantically licking his face. As his dog spit slimed brow started twitching, Bill’s eye’s fluttered open.

The old mechanic shakily got to his feet, he gazed about the camp with a vacant look in his eye, as if his lights were on but only the nanites were at home…

Slack-jawed with his tongue hanging haphazardly from his lips, Bill stumbled up to his Tow truck and slid into the cabin almost silently and slammed the door.

Baby-girl barked hysterically outside of the ancient Ford, but Bill didn’t seem to hear her. He gazed into the distance through the dirty glass of his windshield with a dead stare, drool dribbling down his stubbly chin from beneath his crazed grin…


Bertie the Burro is going to play it safe and do mission 4. A pack mule’s gotta take it easy every now and then. What could possiblie go wrong?


The Blob looks suspiciously like grape jelly. Mmm. Jelly. Channing is pretty sure she can outsmart some delicious jelly in 2B.

Hey Jane, @penguinchris do you think our LP totals are square on the ledger? It’d be helpful to know for repairs and purchases.


A quick stop by to chat with Senor Kilmister. We’re not exactly old buds but I did haul a few legs during of the Blizzard of Ozz tour, and he came down one night and partied with the truckers and roadies. For old times sake, I bring a Stovepipe hat (-2LP) along for him, it reminds me a little of Slash, he’ll like it, or he’ll shit in, either way he’ll like it.

Hopefully he’ll give me a tip about the Tower Records area, or better yet, ride along. 2A

If I get a second Driver on 2A, we can go with Plan A: Rock and Roll Suicide.

I will circle the block, and keep as many drivers as I can occupied and entertained with my favorite Glam Rock, which should be long enough for someone speedy or stealthy to get in and out of Tower Records before too many of them notice.

*Junior pats the stack of 8-tracks he has queued up. This one is on top. *

If I am going solo on 2A. This will require a bit more work on my end, as I will have to swing by the Regency Commerce 14 theater, which is just a few blocks from here, to pick up a movie projector. The music is more effective at placating the Rock & Roll Zombies when they are moving, dancing, or driving, but seeing as I need to park to go looking for this record, I will need something special to keep them occupied. Plan B: Embracing The Dark Side.

Junior pulls plan B out of the glove box and rests them on his seat.

Plan B will work, but those zombies will freak the fuck out when the movie theater starts driving away in the middle of their flashbacks. I will have to fight them while outrunning them.

   Starting LP(36) 
    -2 to Dorcas for the pancakes (34)
    -8 to Stretch to bring me up to 75% of 53 of 70 MaxHP (chili boost) (26)
    -4 to the UAW to repair me 17 points up to Max HP (22) 
    -2 LP for a Rocking Top Hat (20)
    -8 for AR upgrade (12)
    -8 for AR upgrade (4)
    -2 for a Hat for Lemmy (2 LP left over)

~Clank: mood = reformist~

Drivers, listen up, if’n ya’ want. I been doin’ some long hard thinkin’ since this here second Stretch showed his face. The Craftsman ain’t spoke to me none about it, so this’s just my own thoughts.

It seems like maybe, just maybe, not all of them Stretch fellers is alike. And it seems like maybe, just maybe, the crusade I called against that last stinker put a whole bunch of you Drivers on Fleetwood’s shit list. And it seems like maybe, just maybe, that weren’t such a good idea.

Until the Craftsman tells me different, I’m gonna say there’s no shame in doin’ business with this new Stretch. He seems like a reasonable feller, at least for now, and he can get them as drives furrin cars up to 100% health, which is a skill that the UAW don’t have.

The UAW will still do all repairs for free, relyin’ only on donations for our upkeep. I’ll still use every RP in me to get them as drives domestics up from 75 or 80% up to 100%. The UAW is still gonna give priority of repairs to The Knights Mechanical.

Maybe most of all, though, this new Stretch can do upgrades that ain’t weapons, which is somethin’ the UAW still ain’t figgerred out how to do. Besides, he’s got all them fancy hats, and I kinda fancy one of 'em.

Anyhow, that’s all I got say.

~Wanders off, mumbling “Now where has Brother Bill got hisself off to?”~


Honey looks around at the wrecked faces and lights up a fresh Lucky

Sounds like good ol’ Clank ( @davide405 ) just might be right about this reincarnation of Stretch. Though if I listened correctly to the version numbers he was mentioning before he might be the pre-incarnation. If that’s even a word.

I don’t mind putting those 8LP’s down to get myself back up to 75% which would still leave me 6HP short of full. If the UAW has any left to spare than I’d love to get those filled up too. As usual I’ll donate 5LP for the cause. Can’t leave you boys hangin.

That leaves me with some upgrades and I do fancy one o’ them stovepipes for some extra SP. Who says us gals can’t rock some hats, right? And maybe some Blue Dog’s, never know when they might come in handy.

Now what mission could I provide with some assistance… I always have a hard time picking. But I aint difficult, anywhere I might be a bit more usefull than last turn. This time I’ll make sure to get going on time, scout’s honor.


Take me out to the ballgame.

I heard the Dodgers were playing the Red Sox at home when Chelsea lost her shit. I wouldn’t mind beating the piss out of some Boston fans. Lowest lifeforms right there.


Haha! My dad’s old friend Wang Chi always used to say: 跨联盟比赛是魔鬼

Of course, I know this one means: Interlegue play is a sign of the apocalypse


Junior @funruly if’n ya don’t mind, I’d like to join up with you on mission 2A. I still got that ridiculous ENgineering skill and the LucK of a whole foot’s worth of cannibal toes danglin’ from my rear view mirror. Maybe that’ll impress Lemmy somehow.

I ain’t got near the stash of 8-tracks you do, but I’ll fish around in back and see if I can’t find some tunes to supplement your playlist.

((ooc: this space reserved for playlist, upgrades, and hat declaration

Starting LP 40 (this is less than the ledger, but I think a donation of 20 plates to the UAW got missed last round.) -2 LP for a hat (declared later) -10 LP for an automatic-targeting rifle -8 LP for steel-plates