Badass Space Dragon - Round 7 - Sans Sheriff

games
63

Jameson leans all the way back in the pilot’s chair of The Cobra with his feet on the dashboard with his… He’s lost count of what number beer this is. He could count the pile of empties he’s thrown in, at & around the bin if he thought it would make a difference. He reaches out for the piece of slate he kept from the bed of the pool table that got smashed up that time, in that bar. He keeps it handy for snorting lines off. He draws on his cigarette and blows a smoke ring. Then places the fag back between his lips

He dials the ship’s communicator to broadcast on all channels. Rests the piece of slate on his lap. Picks up the Comm’ mic’ and holds it near the slate with his right hand whilst keying the mic’ with his thumb. Then he drags the fingers of his left hand down the slate…

All the comm channels in the Charybdis system are swamped with a terrible Skkriteeeecchhhhhhhing sound.

Slurring slightly. Jameson speaks:

Have I got your attention beings of Charybdis? As far as I see it. We don’t need to do no clever calculations, number crunching or strategic battle plans. All we need to do is have every cunt that’s for Charybdis pile on to Hawk Granger. The intergalactic bell end of the I.C.U.P. If my thinking… thinking? Er… I mean tactical analysis is correct it means that we’ll all meet up and can slug it out in a big Them versus Us and see how we stand after the dust clears.

What ever. I’m going after Granger.

There is a moment of dead air

Oh. I’ve got a flask. If any of you cunts that can still shop at Ella’s want to fill it with lucky soup for me and want shop at Pete’s let me know.

Jameson releases the switch on the comm’ unit and passes out in the pilots chair.

4 Likes
64

Yes, this. So if I and 4 others are fighting mission 1, and then Ada (my mom’s name) decides to come after me, do I have to fight her one on one, or because I have the other 4 with me it becomes a 5 vs 2 fight.

Also - I am currently ICUP (as far as they know). If I help the outlaws, would the marshals already be after me? Or because I just now changed sides I wouldn’t yet be on someone’s list to go after. Can I attack the ICUP with out fear of being target by someone else?

65

Recommendation: Everyone choose Mission 1 – Kill Hawk Granger

If you’re not part of this flotilla, and an unassigned Ranger comes after you, you’re fighting alone.

Self-interested co-operation is the basis of all success

Formally, this strategy solves both the “coordination” and “defection” problems. The one weakness is that, due the randomness of “pig-pile” fights, a strong Ranger might target a weaker ship. The solution: amass enough fire power to knock out the Rangers before they can do much damage.

To that end, I will again use the Astral Plane of BoingBoing messaging to encourage ships that were not active today to join mission 1.

** A way to Keep the ICUP ships with the ICUP **

If Marshal Seldon and rest of the “Tiny” flotilla joined a Ranger posse they knew they could win (Mission 2 Ada West would be an excellent choice), then those ships would suffer little damage, receive ICUP repairs, keep that particular Ranger (Ada West, for example) out of the Mission 1 “pig-pile”, get grit and a shot at a $5,000 bounty, and stay in ICUP’s good graces.

Groovy.

Except for the “outlaw” being blasted to smithereens.

Signing up to be the “outlaw” side of that mission would show “co-operation”, but hardly be “self-interested.” This mercantilist would never sign up for such a hopeless mission. Nor will I encourage anyone else to do so, as it violates “Enjoy Life. Make Money. Stay Alive.”

So I’ll leave that scenario on the shelf as a thought experiment.

Party on the TARD-iss

We haven’t all gotten together for a good party since we took down FlapJack Bill. That’s too long. I immediately ** forward $350 starbucks to the TARD-iss ** so Captain Underpants can clear those old bar tabs and open the Space Bar for the “Fuck Hawk Granger pre-gamer.”

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66

Bessssst idea you’ve had all day. Okay, I take that back. Bessst idea you’ve had all paragraph.

I’m droppin’ my lassst $300 into the 'Pants for the cause.

Party TARD-y!!

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67

Archive Ministry Record: 54290TR43-M
Ship: Grey Mouser
Captain: Lord Fritz

– Recording Transcript - Selected Scenes –

Time Stamp: 01:00:14 - ASXU

Fritz: Warship Scylla, this is Captain Lord Fritz of the Leiberian Cruiser Grey Mouser reporting in for fleet escort duty.

Scylla: Rodger, Captain Fritz. Transmitting your patrol course coordinates. Please stay within the approved flight plan. We do not anticipate trouble, but this area is notorious for outlaw attacks. Be sure to engage all long range sensors and report anything suspicious.

Fritz: Rodger, Scylla. Captain Fritz out.

Fritz: Well, here we go. Engineering, begin probe and full spectrum scans. Remember, we need not only the Scylla, but the ships she is escorting. The provided plan has us do a loop through the fleet on patrol. How thoughtful. See, Marvin, things are going our way!

Marvin: If you say so, Captain.

Time Stamp: 02:45:32 - ASXU

Engineering, Lt. Vlana: Our first loop has been completed, sir. We have preliminary scans of all ships in the fleet. We are running analysis to determine which ones to take a closer look at during our second loop.

Fritz: Excellent. Thank you Lt. Vlana. Everything is coming up Millhouse.

Navigation, Lt. Fafhrd: Sir I have one of the ICUP drones precariously close to the bow.

Fritz: Well, go around it then.

Fafhrd: I’ve tried, sir. It has match every course correction.

Fritz: Hmm, fire a low energy ion blast across its nose, that should give it the hint to move.

Grey Mouser Weapons Computer Report: Ion Blast 23% - direct hit on ICUP Drone 4392X-RT

Fritz: I said across its nose, not up it!

Weapons - Lt Ningauble: Sorry, sir. It moved erratically as we fired.

Fritz: Oh man, oh man, oh man, this is bad. Drone Status?

Vlana: Drone is at 34%, communications array ionized. Propulsion at 20%. Weapons offline. Sir, it has turned around and is heading towards us.

Fritz: Evade! Turn left! Left! The other left!

Fafhrd: It’s matching our movement.

Dull clang can be heard on the bridge.

Vlana: Drone systems have shut down. We have minor hull damage. It appears the collision ruptured a laser bank of the drone, causing a minor secondary explosion. Drone is still 88% intact.

Fritz: Lock a tractor beam on it and reel it into cargo bay 10. There are 200+ drone out there, let’s hope they won’t miss one.

Vlana: Rodger.

– End Recording Transcript –

All hail the Supreme Intelligence! Operation “Peeping Tom” was successful. We were able to completely scan the fleet and the Scylla. We identified several ships of interest, including several terraforming vessels and a small armada of mining vessels. It looks like they have big plans for little old Charybdis.

Through my brilliant strategy, we caught an ICUP drone to analyze. We were able to access its data banks and cracked its encrypted transponder code. This code is a constant signal used by the ICUP to mark ships as friendly on their tactical screens. One could use it to blend in on any ICUP mission. Well, that is unless they change the transponder codes. So it’s not a sure thing, but it might prove valuable in the future. Or not.

The new missions are being analyzed while we head to Pete’s to trade our information for access to his goods. I will be giving my tactical analysis and planned upgrades in the near future. Signing off for now.

“Sir, our escort has lead us to Pete’s new hideout.”

“Excellent, hail him.”

“This is Pete.”

“Pete, this is Lord Fritz, captain of the Grey Mouser. As per our agreement, I have the recon intel of the Scylla and the fleet. We are downloading the scans as we speak.”

“Wonderful. Feel free to browse around. Make yourself at home. Coffee is in the lounge.”

“Excellent! Thank you for your hospitality. Fritz out. See, Marvin? What did I tell you? A complete political success. Now we have access to affordable upgrades to stretch our meager bank account further. I -”

— Incoming Message from Pete’s Scrapyard —
To: – Recipients Redacted –
Encryption: PFG

“Blah blah blah, jack hammers, blah blah shovel, blah blah I have set aside my differences and am now open for anyone willing to fight for an independent Charybdis.”
– End Message –

“Well, isn’t that nice, captain?”

Looking closely at Fritz you would notice his head was beginning to vibrate. If it weren’t impossible, you would swear a scowl was forming on his face plate. “Set aside differences?! Helping any one? What the hell? What did I do that intel mission for? Am I destined to be a bitch for this sectors wrench jockeys? I mean, we could have met Brad Nebula! BRAD NEBULA!!”

“And taken the lucrative protection money.”

“Yes, Marvin. Yes we could have. I’ll be in my quarters, have Ensign Segal send up a smoothie. Scandium.”

“Yes, sir.”

4 Likes
68

Excuthe me. Gilligan here again. And I have a Cunning Plan.

Among our noble fleet are a couple of near-derelict shipth that haven’t theen much action lately, but aren’t quite dead. Mayhap one of their thkipperth could be perthuaded to perform a feint toward thith end, thacrifithing their own thip but pothibly thaving their own thkinth through thome thort of ruthe or thleight-of-claw. I’m thinking of the Hoosier Mama or Mithtaker II or perhapth the Thlightly More Than Ordinary. Though thethe troubled thips may be too dearly beloved by their captainth to be lightly dithcarded, perhapth one of them may be perthuaded to be the I.C.U.P. decoy. The Thlightly and the Mithtaker are Outlaw enough to be convincing targetth, and tho maybe our co-conthpirator friendth currently compelled to fly a Coalition flag might, between themthelveth, come up with thufficient payoff to convinthe one of thethe captainth to thacrifithe their already-nearly-defunct-anyway thip to pretherve their cover without having to actually fire upon a viable Outlaw freedom-fighter.

What think you?

69

They don’t even have to sssign up. The ICUPppersss can ‘sssuggest’ a target. Not guaranteed, but…

Of courssse, that way a Ranger livesss (to return nexssst missssion?), and we have ICUPppersss we don’t know we can trussst.

70

Thisss isss indeed a cunning plan. As cunning as a fox who’sss jussst been appointed Professssssor of Cunning at Oxford Universsssity.

Sssome advicssse, though. In theessse pig-pilesss, numbersss mean more than ssstatssss. We sssaw thisss with Mondo. More ssshipsss, more ssshotsss per round, more alternative targetsss other than yourssself. Your bessst protecsssion isss your wingman. Better than any sssshieldsss.

To thossse who are more flusssh, I sssay : ‘Thisss Chrissstmasss, consssider giving to ssssomeone lesss fortunate than yourssself’. Otherwise your ssswanky ssship might get itsss pimp-asssss ssshot off.

1 Like
71

That’ll be a calculated rithk. On one claw, they’re helping out The Cauthe by not fighting any of our actual fighterth. On the other claw, they could jutht be going after a thoft, eathy target to therve their own purpotheth.

Nobody forthed them to hoitht the I.C.U.P. colorth in the firtht plathe.

Hmm. Well, I’m glad Thththkipper ith around to deal with thith thtuff. I have not fully-developed my venom-thacth of command yet.

72

Asss I pointed out earlier, the ‘rest of the “Tiny” flotilla’ are all outlawsss.

And now, a musical interlude.

73

Okay, now I know who you are, Jamessson.

robert_carlisle_30x40_thumb_435.jpg435×580 23 KB

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74

"Smithereens and the sweet release of death would be a blessing. Nothing good will ever come of all this exploring and smuggling. The Grey Mouser - "

Marvin! You’re doing it again. Sorry for that. Anyway, I get what you are saying. It would require sacrificing someone, and who wants to do that? Wait… didn’t El-Esk want to run a suicide mission last run? While I hate to have someone’s hardware vaporized, if they aren’t happy, who am I to deny euthanasia. Not you, Marvin. I need you.

The only downside I see is that there is a chance that Marshal Ada won’t go after the sacrificial lamb. Then we would all end up in the battle with the Hawk Granger in split forces.

Our preliminary analysis is for everyone to pick Mission 1. We don’t say this lightly, as we are one of the ships with the weakest hull. But there is strength and safety in numbers. I think our best odds are as a united unit. Splitting up into separate missions may lead to too much power on one mission, and not enough on another.

1 Like
75

I come to offer my presence. My history speaks for itself. I know nothing of your conflict and am after only money. If you are foolish enough to trust me in your little battle I will take your money.

Remember my crafts name

Mistaker II
Mission 1 - Kill Hawk Granger

3 Likes
76

TARD-y on Garth. TARD-y on Wayne. The Star Bar is stuffed to the gills tonight. We have bands on each floor and I sent crew out on a V-malt run. You guys are the best. My favorite is the lizard with a purple wig who’s walking around lapping at the eyeballs of a pickled Aladorian frog. You guys really know how to get down.

Hawk, before your sacrifice tomorrow, you are welcome to stop in for a drink, but there’s no telling what’ll happen to you while you are here. You might be forced to do a keg stand.

Grocery list:
Whatever I get from generous donations (I’m counting 10,650 so far) I will put into hull density adjustments by Pete, so 10x.
I will take the last few remaining HP in repairs under the ARA free repairs program.
And I will take one plow for $5000
Mission 1

1 Like
77

The Slightly More Than Ordinary
Mission 1 - Kill Hawk Granger

one reasonable way for me to improve my ship might be…:

$ 500 starting balance
$ 2,000 contribution from Falkayn
$ -500 Mission cost
$ -2,000 10 hp hull repair

$ 0 ending balance

“Or you can do something else entirely. That’s what makes the game fun. Notice the $2,000 contribution. I see you’re a little light in the wallet this round, so I’ll pitch in $2,000 if you show up.”

You don’t hold true to this, Space Pirate, I now know where to find you.

See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety.

1 Like
78

Wilhelm scream

Silence

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79

-- System Notes for Round 7 --

Hi, I’m getting lots of questions and I want to try to answer them as succinctly as possible and all in one place. This is that place.

Q - Am I an Outlaw, Neutral, or ICUP?
A - This is a matter of perception, even I don’t know your true goals as a character. Your actions define you but you must be aware of how certain characters perceive you. For example, Pedge killed Mondo so the ICUP loves him and Pete isn’t too keen. However that is changing since Pedge sent Pete information about the inner workings of the Scylla Warship at the risk of being labeled a threat to the Coalition. Totally straight forward, right? :smile:

Q - Can I get free repairs from Ella and then buy stuff from Pete?
A - If you are perceived by Ella as ICUP or Neutral, you may shop there and then go to Pete’s. If you are recognized by the ICUP you are eligible for Coalition programs.

Q - What can I give to other ships?
A - You may transfer money only. Please include it in your shopping list. You may not transfer ship parts, soup, hats, etc. It’s just too much for me to juggle at this point in the game. If you want to send presents or beers or organ replicators or do other nice things that don’t change stats, I’m fine with that, just include the deduction in the shopping list or consider it a ship-to-ship trade.

Q - If I’m ICUP, do I have to fight against the outlaws?
A - Nope. You can help the outlaws/resistance but this will likely lump you in with them in the eyes of the ICUP. If you definitely want to fight for the ICUP, you will want to join a posse.

Q - I’m missing some stats, can you fix it?
A - Probably, just let me know what appears to be wrong and I’ll look into it. I try to read everything but private messages will probably get the fastest results and help keep the main board clear of clutter.

Q - What does ‘pursued based on GRIT and LK’ mean?
A - Rangers, if they aren’t engaged by someone, will pick a target to pursue and may even end up in a fight alongside other rangers. They will more likely pick high GRIT targets with low LK but there is some randomness involved as well.

Q - If a Ranger pursues one outlaw and that outlaw is already going to fight in a mission alongside another outlaw, will the ranger engage both?
A - If a Ranger pursues an outlaw, the ranger will join any fight the outlaw has chosen to be a part of.

Q - What if EVERYONE chooses mission 1?
A - Probably a giant brawl between the Space Ranger possees and everyone trying to knock them down.

80

I can’t believe Eleanor was daft enough… no, scratch that, irresponsible enough to continue running the shipflesh Housecodes that I developed!

It’s been a long time since I’ve worn a shipbody. The battle around Angeldust was something terminal. I was eviscerated - guts and tubules torn out. I limped away - barely. Another approach was needed.

In the shadow of the silver-glass moon they called Cueball I tore my own integration asunder. I hauled my consciousness down and compromised it and cauterised it until the whole mess would fit into this 'synth platform. Then I enlisted on El-Esk’s last remaining vessel.

What a joke. Still running the systems I designed. When she looped out and off into this suicidal jaunt, I started up long-dormant code processes - safeguards installed in the early days of the House.

We weren’t going to our death.

Not if I could help it.

I killled our drive somewhere dark and deep in the out.

We’re broke, but we’re alive. Now… if anyone feels like gelling around someone who isn’t noble Falkayn, we could actually achieve something…

Another House room, maybe? A new landscape.

81

A Presssident Nixssson, perhapsss?

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82

Careful, Sam, you may want to recompile your analysis routines.

Enough ships committed to Mission 1, including Muddlin’ Through, to crumple Hawk Granger. Thus the best possible (selfish) outcome for the Mission 1 flotilla is for the remaining ships to spread themselves out against the other five rangers. That keeps those other Rangers out of the Mission 1 “pig pile”; increases the Grit per ship for the Mission 1 flotilla; and makes it easy for the ICUP ships to both stay alive and stay with the ICUP. However, ships that don’t join the Mission 1 flotilla may have a dramatically increased chance of dying. You saw what happened to Das Boot, Aluminum Mallard and Zhe Shadow Pacifist, three ships that went against the analysis last round.

However, I am glad you raised the point, because I now realize

** I Made an Analytic Error.**

My analysis assumed the goal was to maximize the number of ships that survive this round. But there are many different possible goals. If one’s goal is to maximize one’s grit, then, depending on the details of how the ships spread across the missions, one may be able to get more Grit by choosing a different mission. That is because in “pig pile” missions:

the fixed amount of the grit for a given mission is shared amongst the survivors of that mission.

Of course, one has to survive to collect that additional Grit.

As I noted several rounds ago, “The greater the possibilities, the great my possible profits.” Since I don’t need the Senescent Wanderer in the mission 1 “pig pile,” I’ve made a small investment in the future: I have placed $500 at Endogenic Escrow, **payable to the Senescent Wanderer **upon the choice of any mission.

So there, Sam, the Wanderer can do anything El Esk chooses. Of course, El Esk has raged her whole, ancient life against what I stand for, so I can’t imagine she would accept anything from me. But the Senescent Wanderer can now afford any mission it chooses. As I said in our last conversation:

El Esk is the captain of your ship. You decide if she is Ahab or
Hornblower . El will think what El will think, El will do what El will
do. She makes her choices, she accepts the consequences

–David Falkayn

ps. No need for “Another House room”, Sam. We’re all gathering at TARD-iss’s Space Bar. You don’t even need any starbucks to wet your whistle.