12" pianist: the rest of it

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That’s a clever bit of writing, and a fun sort of exercise; take a joke and turn it in to a short story. I bet we could have some fun with that here…


And the alley was filled with pulverized legumes.


I read that, laughed and at the end I said out loud, even though I was alone in my office, “My god that’s great! Who wrote this?” I scrolled up to the top and read the name Simon Rich.

“Simon Rich” I thought to myself. “As soon as I’m done praising you on Boing Boing I’m going to Google you and see what else you have written.” Which is what you do these days when you want to read more of a new author.


A boulevard of broken dreams?

Is it weird that I wished for life to be a nonstop, world wide musical?



I’ve always loved shaggy dog stories. I think my oldest sister told me “The Pianist” when I was a teenager. I always thought that there should be a corresponding one for women, so here’s my attempt:

An archaeologist and her husband traveling in Iran saw a beautiful carpet that she wanted at a stall in the market. The husband bargained a price with the merchant, and once the sale was made the merchant turned to the woman: “Madam, your husband is such a clever bargainer! I made nothing on the sale. And both his Arabic and his Farsi are flawless”!
“Yes”, the woman replied, “it’s because of the magic lamp”.
“Ah”, said the merchant knowingly. “A genie, yes? What a jewel of a wife you are, no doubt you wished for your husband to be a success at whatever he attempted”.
“Hell, no”, she replied. “I wanted him to be an expert at… well, anyway, the genie didn’t know any Latin, so I ended up with an expert, cunning linguist”.



Shame it’s not possible to upvote twice.

That was wonderful, though the “And the guy’s, like,” phrasing was exceptionally annoying…

Maybe it’s a Brit thing…

I didn’t watch much buffy but I was made to watch that episode and it was incredible. The demon dude at the end knows he’s been beat so he smiles and leaves, he don’t care.

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Knock knock
Who’s there?
It’s the police
The police who?
We have a warrant for your arrest, open up
That’s not very funny
Requesting breach unit at the front of the property, STEP BACK crunch DROP THE WEAPON! GET ON THE FLOOR

Doctor doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!
You feel like what? Curtains did you say?
Yeah, it hurts all over and I’m having trouble breathing
We need to get you to the emergency room right now

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I thought that to make it sound like a stereotypical stand-up comedy act of the sort that would feature a 12" pianist.

It’s not so much that they beat him: it’s just that his “bride” turned out to be someone he didn’t particularly want to marry, so he decided not to enforce that clause. Given what he did to Buffy, it’s quite probable he could have walked out of there with a win had he wanted to.

The smile was because even though he’d been “defeated,” he was walking away having lost nothing (other than maybe a couple of mooks) and yet, just by causing a bunch of uncomfortable truths to come out into the open, he had wreaked so much havoc that the Scoobies were never really the same again.

What a lot of fun
You guys have been real swell.
And there’s not a one
Who can say this ended well
All those secrets you’ve been concealin’
Say you’re happy now…
Once more with feelin’.
Now I’ve gotta run.
See you all in Hell

Thanks, @kwhitefoot. I think this is the first time that I’ve actually “published” something creative. It feels good.

I’m sorry, I’m more sympathetic to the bartender here. Sure, his wish was selfish and superficial, but at least it wasn’t downright stupid. World peace? Anyone who’s ever played D&D, watched the Twilight Zone, or otherwise played the game of “Corrupt A Wish” should know that, no matter how well-intentioned, that’s a dangerously stupid wish.

“World Peace, Huh? Sure would be peaceful if everybody died right now.”

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