Personally, there’s a lot that I don’t like about the culture around diagnosis of HFA among adults. I don’t know how common false diagnoses are - it is invisible, so it’s a little like complaining about all the fake disabled people who take disabled spots and bring animals around with them. I’m not a professional, and I can’t necessarily spot another aspie by sight or tell how much it is affecting their lives.
There’s also the idea of using a diagnosis and the language of acceptance to excuse bad behaviour. It doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, but it can give some explanation for why some people act inappropriately. It’s not ok though, and being told directly is an important way of learning how to act more appropriately.
Thirdly, a lot of people on the internet seem to be very free about diagnosing their partners with narcissism, psychopathy, autism etc. These issues are out there, but they don’t happen in a vacuum. I don’t like being associated with jerks just because a particular label is used as an excuse or explanation for why they have no concern for others. There are reasons why I might not act in an appropriate way, and I want to know what they are. I also want to know about anything that makes it more difficult to see or do the right thing, whether it’s something internal like autism or external like patriarchy, racism, upbringing etc. (or a combination of these).
Another thing I’ve noticed is that the language of victimhood can be very oppositional and unhelpful, even if we are making each other’s lives more difficult. Some language seems to want to place you as the victim or oppressor, and particularly in cases like this I think education and mutual acceptance is really important. Some autistic partners can be really blind to their partners’ needs in a relationship. Some family members and others around autistic people can bully and torment them for being different. I don’t see myself as a victim or as entitled to ignore others, and I think focusing on differences of communication and experience can bridge a lot of gaps (whatever their neurological issues are).