So, stick to work, easy enough, right?
This is a really stupid way of wording a basic premise. Women are humans with faces and body language and voices. Look at them and gauge their reactions in the same way you would men.
If you’re in a meeting and you consistently say hello to all the men, but not the two women, you’re excluding them. If you insist on wresting a hello from someone who is clearly ignoring you, by avoiding eye contact, turning away or who is just busy, you’re not respecting their wish to not interact with you.
It doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly. It means that you shoudn’t be trying to score a date or commenting on someone’s legs. Basically the same way you would interact with a male co-worker. Pretty basic.
I want to share this article written by a man about workplace harassment. Maybe share it if you’re sincere about your desire to not make women uncomfortable.
"Because the powers that be in these industries tend to look the other way or downplay the severity of the actions of creeps and predators, women share names amongst themselves: who’s safe, who’s ok unless they’ve been drinking, who they should never be alone in a room with.
Men, on the other hand, had a different reaction. Many men worried about “witch hunts”. Others posited a world where men might get hit with lawsuits for winking. From commenting on the unfairness of anonymous accusations without the ability to defend themselves to just being afraid of ending up on the list through innocent mistakes, many men seemed to take issue with the existence of the list itself.
The issue isn’t about people misunderstanding innocent flirtations or good guys getting caught up by oversensitive women. It’s about a culture of predation and harassment that’s endemic in multiple industries. However, there are lots of men – good, well-intentioned men – who are worried about tripping over the line. And there are others who worry that they themselves may end up on a similar list or having their name bandied about simply because they’re shy or awkward.
And so for them, I want to talk about what it means to not be The Creep at work, at the conference or in class
Whenever the topic of shitty and predatory behavior from men comes up, there are inevitably people who will chime in with “I avoid this by never interacting with women… ever.” Sometimes it’s sarcastic and other times it’s extremely serious. In fact, in some circles this is held up as “The Pence Rule” – after Vice President Mike Pence’s refusal to be alone with any woman who isn’t his wife.
First of all, when guys say this about flirting with or socializing with women, they’re saying “I’m aware that I don’t know how to find the line and I can’t be bothered to learn.” Which, let’s be real, isn’t a good look on you, my dude.
But the other issue is how this puts the blame on harassment and assault squarely on women. Because hey… men are fuckin’ animals amirite? It’s part and parcel of the same toxic masculinity tropes that says men are barely more than chimpanzees. In this outlook, men’s sexual self-control held in check by only the thinnest of margins. If a man and a woman are alone together for any reason then sex will inevitably come up. If sex comes up, then it’s a matter of time until the monster’s loose. And since men can’t control themselves, it’s on women to make sure that they’re never in a position to tempt a good man into slipping his leash.
You would do far better to be the mentor or sponsor to women at your job than to avoid them entirely. Being the advocate and ally at work is one of the best ways to support your female coworkers. All avoiding contact does is ensure the massive power differential between professional men and women never changes. That, in turn, helps empower the men who live to exploit that power differential.
Trying to, say, insist that creepiness has to be intentional just puts the onus on the victim. It’s telling someone that they need to justify their right to feel a certain way. If they can’t “prove” intent, then really they shouldn’t be complaining being creeped out.
But while it may be well-intentioned, this belief does far more harm than good. It becomes yet another cudgel used to silence people complaining about bad behavior, especially behavior that straddles the line of plausible ambiguity. Sure he fucked up but are you sure it was intentional? Are you absolutely sure that you’re not overreacting?
Does the fact that the touchy-feely “you need a massage!” guy doesn’t grok boundaries make your skin crawl less?
Here’s the thing: awkwardly brushing up against someone’s boundaries can be disturbing… but most awkward people live in fear of doing just that. Once they realize they’ve made a mistake, they feel awful. They almost always want to make it better, and dread making it worse by doing so. Awkward people want to learn and do better.
Creepers, on the other hand don’t care. They’ll deflect blame and duck responsibility. They’re the first to argue that maybe those boundaries shouldn’t be there. It’s not their fault. Really can’t you take a joke? Can’t you tell he’s not serious? It’s just ironic, man. Stop being so uptight.
If you want to be a good man, then you want to make a clear distinction between your professional self and your personal self. If you’re there to work, then you are there to work. Even if there is a flirty vibe and you’re sure they’re into you, it can wait until after the job is done. And even then, you’ll want to make absolutely damn sure that it’s there and that this is a good time to act on it. Your boner isn’t a mandate. Not every attraction needs to be pursued. You can let opportunities pass. It’s better to wait for ones that are less potentially problematic than to leap on the wrong one.
It doesn’t mean you have to be a robot. It doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly. But it does mean that you’re not there to flirt, get a date or otherwise pursue things that don’t relate immediately to work. One of the more obnoxious things you can do is to agree to a meet-up and then try to upgrade it into something more personal.
You don’t make any suggestive comments. You don’t offer to “be a little bad” by getting in an extra drink or two. No lingering casual touches. No turning the topic to sexual or romantic matters. If you’re at a professional or platonic get-together and feel like there’s a connection, wait until after it’s over and then ask “Hey, now that we’re done, would you like go out and get a drink with me?” You will draw a firm and visible line so that people know exactly where they stand with you and what they can expect from you.
It’s understandable that men may feel anxious as more and more women are standing up and pushing back against creepy and predatory behavior in society. But being a good man isn’t that hard. There isn’t an Inquisition looking to root out male sexuality. There is no “witch hunt”. Not being a creeper is very easy if you pay attention. Understanding why women get creeped out isn’t that hard. Keep things clear and aboveboard and you’ll be fine.
Part of being someone trustworthy and safe at work – whether you’re a playboy or not – is listening to women. Be the person who’s willing to hear them out and believe them. Be their support and their advocate. In an ocean of creeps and predators, be the guy who treats them with respect and as equals. That’s going to be far more important in the long run than worrying about someone overreacting to innocent flirting.
