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I canât even imagine the incredible, amazing strength it took to get to where you are now. I am in awe.
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Iâm terrified.
Iâve been in a relationship with an amazing person for the last 1.5 years, and while weâve had our ups and downs weâve managed to make it through stronger than ever. Thatâs changed recently and I really donât know what to do.
Weâre poly, so other relationships have always been a part of our dynamic. Iâm used to them going on dates and spending time with others, so whatâs been happening is concerning.
About a month ago, they met a new person and immediately fell deeply in love with them. I was excited for them, as theyâve had a number of bad relationships in the recent past. Recently, though, things have been going off the rails.
They spend as much time as possible with this person, and even when theyâre with me, I am physically present but they spend the entire time on the phone chatting with their new flame. I feel lonely while literally next to the person I chose to not be alone with. Weâve had a number of discussions about this dynamic but they refuse to listen to my concerns and keep pushing to spend more and more time together. They even skipped pride, something weâd talked about going to and would have been both of our first, saying they were too tired, and while I was out they invited this person over. Instead of a day with them as I was expecting I got dropped for their new love. Itâs gotten so bad, that last time we had sex, we finished and they immediately rolled over and started texting this new person.
Any time I bring up issues, Iâm painted as the problem. That I need to work on myself to deal with my feelings. But they continue to push harder and harder to spend more time with this person. Weâre supposed to be getting married Friday at noon, but they decided that because weâd be together this weekend, they would go on a 3 DAY date this week. I will not be with them until the morning of my wedding.
I donât know what to do. I have been looking forward to marrying them for 1.5 years and now that weâre in the home stretch, deposit paid, marriage license bought, ready to go⌠I suddenly am not important? And raising concerns leads to an emotional meltdown. Theyâve said recently that if I were to leave them they would die, which is some real lovely shit to drop on someone. Theyâre also in Canada on a visitor visa and we need to get married within the next month or they lose their visitor status, so if I try to postpone the wedding until we have things sorted out theyâll be deported. I feel very trapped, but I also am pretty sure that marrying them without sorting this out is a fucking terrible idea.
I donât even have any opportunity to discuss this with them since theyâre on a date until the day of the wedding. This is not what I signed up for at all.
I think they know somethingâs up, theyâve been love-bombing me at work with lovey dovey messages and memes, but I know theyâre with their other partner and Iâm feeling pretty manipulated and used.
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Iâm really sorry⌠I wish I had words of advice, but I lack experience with poly relationships⌠It doesnât sound like theyâre balancing out your needs with theirs, and maybe are taking you for granted a little bit here, given impending nuptials. The lack of listening to you concerns me the most here⌠Poly relationships can be difficult if everything isnât out in the open and out on the table, and they donât seem to be doing that right nowâŚ
Hopefully, our mutants with more experience with poly relationships will be helpful in giving you advice on how to navigate this situation.
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Also echoing @anon61221983. Not sure if I can say anything more than Iâm sorry that this is happening so close to your nuptials.
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As someone who is very experienced with it, this feels so much like manipulation to me. Folks canât always have their cake and eat it, too.
Personally, Iâd cut my losses before it could wind up being worse.
ETA: Just for clarification, if someone is beginning to âlose interestâ in the home stretch of gaining citizenship, it makes me wonder if there was any interest in you at all?
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Can they not get a work visa while you navigate the difficulties?
Also:
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Personally, Iâd cancel the wedding. If your SO gets deported, because they were too infatuated to deal honestly with you right before your wedding, thatâs on them. Tell them that you need to be more than just a route to citizenship. If you donât assert yourself here, you face feeling like a backup plan or second choice for the rest of your relationship, which is sounding like itâs in trouble anyway. That they have the energy to peruse this new thing while ignoring you is not good.
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I feel pretty strongly that any of us who are not polyamorous are in no position to advise you on this. I can only send you all the good feelings that you can handle, and hope you and they can work things out in whatever way is best for you.
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Wow. It really sounds like you are being manipulated and used. I too donât have experience with poly relationships but it seems the key to any relationship is honesty, trust, and communication. That should probably be even more important in a poly relationship.
Iâm worried for you. The personâs behavior is sus under any circumstances but adding in the visa issue makes it that much worse.
This is bad. It is either manipulation or an unhealthy dynamic. In the past, I very well might have killed myself if I lost my partner. But I never told him that because I knew that was my issue, a function of my mental health. Instead I worked to get less dependent. The one time I did tell a partner that, it was to manipulate him into staying. I knew it was wrong at the time, even at age 17.
I donât know if you are actually looking for advice or venting. My take from what youâve wrote, and this may be wrong, is that you feel you should delay the wedding. But it would be so very painful and that is a hard decision. If you are marrying someone, you deserve to be very high in their thoughts and consideration. It doesnât sound like you are. You really do deserve that kind of love.
I sincerely hope you have IRL support too. No matter what you choose to do, this will be difficult for you.
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Iâm sorry this is happening to you. I donât have the experience to offer any advice but I hope youâre able to work through this with your partners.
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It doesnât sound like the SO is making any attempt to integrate their new person into the existing relationship, which is why I suggested canceling the wedding.
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We already had to do the visitor record, theyâve been here for over a year when the normal temporary resident visa is only 6 months. We did that since my previous divorce hadnât gone through yet. Honestly, I didnât want to remarry but since theyâre from the UK thereâs limited options other than marriage for someone who is not highly skilled and/or educated, which they are not. Backing out of this wedding is basically guaranteeing that theyâre being sent back.
I just talked to my sister, and that helped me see things from an outside perspective and realize just how insane the situation is. Itâs much more complicated than I could ever put in a comment here, and seeing it laid out with an outside observer has made it clear. Iâm cancelling the wedding. I canât make a lifetime commitment to someone who wonât even listen to my concerns.
Yeah, if theyâd eased me into it instead of dropping it on me like a bomb, I wouldnât have any of these concerns. So many boundaries have been stepped on, so much change to our relationship dynamic in a very short time⌠the first week they were dating they spent 5/7 days together. Thatâs not how you introduce a new partner to an existing relationship.
Iâve got really bad people pleasing tendencies thanks to my upbringing, and Iâve let them walk all over me far too much. But when my sister listened and said âmarrying this person and tying them to you legally and financially forever is insaneâ, I really stepped back and yeah, Iâd have told me to break up with them ages ago. 
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Iâm sorry youâve had to make this decision, but it sounds like the right one for you.
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You look after yourself first, hon, every time.
Vent away, by all means, but if you want to know what I think;
If something feels wrong, donât do it.
Trust yourself, because you matter, and your needs matter.
Love is weird and messy and amazing, and what works for you probably wonât work for me, and thatâs fine and normal - but if you are being ignored and closed out of a life-changing moment with someone, hon, stop!
It could just be a bump in the road, and if it is you can both work past it and try again later. Love is big enough to let that happen, right?
You deserve the time and space and attention to work it out, without being manipulated or pushed for time.
This is your life, so you get to live it your way.
Trust yourself, and do the thing that feels best.
Weâll still be here, no matter what.
Good luck 
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Iâm sorry this happened. I had a friend who backed out at the last minute, and honestly I think it was a good decision despite how difficult it made things for a while. You have my sympathies.
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Me too. My best friend called it off with a month to go after being with his partner for 10 years. It was the right thing to do for them both.
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No. Itâs guaranteeing that you donât marry someone you donât think you should marry. Getting a visa is her job.
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Thanks for the support everyone. It means a lot. Iâm really not looking forward to getting off work and going home for like the first time ever.
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