I’m glad you got the perspective you needed to help you sort through this. I am so very sad you needed it.
You deserve love and respect!
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That’s why I started this thread, because we all need to vent, and even sometimes ask for advice… As much as we humans have a reputation for being jerks, we can also be kind to one another!
Once more, I’m sorry this is happening to you, so keep posting here if it helps!
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I will also chime in as really glad that you decided to back out of getting married.
I’m in a 24 year relationship that has been poly since our third year together and we’ve lived with other partners before so I’m used to things getting serious with other people.
But when one of your partners is not listening to you, then that relationship needs to at least deescalate. Suddenly breaking boundaries is never ok.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. It’s definitely not fair or reasonable.
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Personally, I don’t think this is a poly thing, specifically.
This is not how a person is supposed to treat ANYONE, let alone someone they care about, let alone someone they’re about to pledge a lifetime legal commitment to.
The only good thing is that they’ve let the cat out of the bag now, before you are legally locked to them. No matter how much money and preparation has already gone into the wedding plans, it’s peanuts in comparison to what you’ll pay if you actually get married.
There’s no gray area here. You are being disrespected entirely. If they realize their huge mistake and work on themselves, you could always get married in 6 months or a year, but if you do it now, you will regret it. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you’re being used and disrespected and this is absolutely not acceptable behavior in anyone, let alone someone who is about to become your spouse and fast track their legal ability to stay in the country.
They think you’re so locked and loaded that you won’t walk away, so now they can ignore you and do whatever they want. NOPE.
I see nothing but red flags, and you deserve so much better. Protect yourself, in case they become violent when they realize you’re standing up for yourself.
Please let us know what you decide to do.
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Oh, I’m so glad to read all the way to the end!
Yes, excellent, so glad you are giving yourself the care and support you need.
And your sister sounds like a gem. I’m sure we’d all like to buy her a drink, to thank her for helping you see your situation through the eyes of someone who actually does love you completely.
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I’m really sorry you found yourself in this situation, all of it, but it sounds (from what little you could share here) like a wise decision.
I’m in my mid-forties, and still trying to learn to trust my instincts more. One thing I read recently has helped. It was about how, when we look to our guts, there are plenty of times when we get “good gut feelings” about things that might be faulty. We might be flying high, or being manipulated into thinking things are good.
But when our gut instinct tells us something is bad, it is most likely truly bad.
So if you can’t trust all your gut instincts, start with believing when your gut tells you something is bad.
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I’m torn between not wanting to clutter the discussion with a “me too!” comment while desparately wanting to say “me too!”. I’ll just quote Shakespeare’s Polonius:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any [man].
I think @anon23281680 said it best: you deserve love and respect (emphasis mine). I’m so sorry you have to go through this, and for whatever my opinion is worth, I think you are making the right decision (as hard as it must have been to come to it).
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My spell of dysphoria seems to have passed and I’ve been in a far better mood lately. My friend is also back in the state so I’m sure hanging out with her has significantly helped. On an emotional level things are looking up. Unfortunately I’m experiencing physical pain as my calf muscle heals after he asshole of a dog (he’s still a good boy) charged at me full speed and purposely slid into y legs to knock me over. I en didn’t awake it easy and it got worse. I’m currently taking some days off to rest, which gets boring quick as the pain keeps me from focusing on anything productive. I’ve been doing some reading but mostly just catching up on watching some stuff. Next up is Picard (thanks 7 day free trial). Despite the injury, I’m just glad to seemingly be coming out of my mild depression.
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This is, over all, good news 
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A small victory update -
On Tuesday, despite a hurricane, an earthquake, two cancelled flights, and a ferchrissakes tornado in our path on the return trip, we dropped our daughter off at college in California.
She has fought up some steep climbs these past six months and I am more proud of her maturity, resolve, and hard work than I am of anything I’ve ever done myself.
It’s a weird mix of emotions that belongs to this moment- happiness, excitement, fear, sadness, all of them a spinning, nervous blur that stops unexpectedly on me crying over a mostly empty box of her breakfast cereal or Mrs. F reading hopeful details into gnomic texts. But mostly we’re just excited for her to take advantage of all the new opportunities on offer and to see her grow in ways we can’t begin to predict.
Many thanks to all of you that helped prop me up when I bottomed out back in January. Some of this victory belongs to you.
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I will share my “kids’ milestones” traditional tune. Have tissues nearby!
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I was in a crappy job for a long time. One of those situations where things got bad so slowly that I didn’t really realize how bad it become. Now that I’m out , I’m really seeing how exploitative the situation had become. Add in depression and an extremely specialized skill set and I just couldn’t seem to get myself out even though I was miserable.
I finally did get a new job 3 months ago. I’m less stressed, I’m happier, and I feel valued instead of taken for granted. A substantial equity raise for my job position will hit soon. Between that and the modest salary change when I switched , I’m also making a lot more money then I was a year ago.
I’m so glad that I finally managed to get up the motivation to find a new job and the luck to land one.
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That’s great news! Great news! Thanks for the update!
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I’ve lived that. You just keep trudging along without really feeling the pain until it’s gone.
I’m glad to hear you got out from under that weight and are in a better situation now!
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Exactly! It didn’t help that it was my first career job. I had no standards with which to measure. And for years I was made to feel incompetent, which made motivating myself to find a new position even harder. At the new job, my ability to process volumes of information quickly is apparently quite astounding 
I keep surprising my boss and having to ask for more assignments.
Then there are little things like how I now have a modest budget to pay for continuing education courses required for my license. I’m both very glad I got out and occasionally mad at myself for not doing it earlier
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