FBI tells tech companies offering encryption to reconsider “their business model”

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Sounds like James Comedy should reconsider his choice of career.


This just in, tech companies tell three letter agencies to seek medical attention for severe rectal-cranial inversions.


Sure it’s a business model decision. Should our model be to continue offering a product that protects everyone and consumers want, or would we prefer that everyone starts buying their tech from a country where the FBI has no jurisdiction / influence? It’s pretty simple really.


James Comey responds: “Now, now; no-one wants to take your guns–er, uh–cryptography tools… sorry, forgot who I was talking to, there for a minute.”


The tech industry is one of the few remaining jewels in the US economy’s crown, and these blinkered bozos want to destroy it and hand the market to foreign competitors?!

Isn’t their job supposed to be to protect America, not ruin it?

Can’t we fill these FBI positions with people actually qualified for the job?!


They were just testing out their back doors.

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Not only that, but their historic mandate has been to protect American profits, not public. They’re totally screwing their mission.


Fire this guy and cut their budgets. Make a call to your congress person.


“Yeah, this is a nice secure peer-to-peer system you have here…shame if somethin’ were to happen to it…”


FBI: For the safety of America, everyone needs to go to their backdoor right now and place a key under a flowerpot to the left of the door with a red x on it. Don’t worry, only we will use the key and we will never use it when we think we shouldn’t.


Think of the downstream effect. Anyone who uses strong encryption would be a criminal. Anyone math inclined who invents new encryption would be a criminal. Criminals who use strong encryption to get their work done continue on, because they were already criminals. The FBI and CIA will be enabled to listen to all communications. In addition to all the financial and freedom of speech issues already mentioned. In a word, Comey’s ideas are hogwash.


FBI: Except for 3 letter agencies like the FBI. We need end-to-end encryption because we say so. But you all will totally be fine… cough

I liked your flowerpot analogy. I was thinking it would be like them telling everyone they needed to drive cars with the trunk and hood doors ripped off, so police could see inside at all times.


My first thought was shouldn’t all homes be made transparent since terrorist could be plotting in any home. But the well known flower pot seemed more on target. Lol at ripping off all the cars trunk doors. I’m sure that’s on a list of wants somewhere deep underground.

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No pockets on clothes. Clothes must be tight-fitting. No heavy soled shoes. Transparent houses. Police keep files of keys to all residences and businesses. All bank vaults and safes have police back door access. No hood or trunk doors on cars. Backpacks and other bags and luggage are subject to stop and search anytime, anywhere. Tail wag by a drug dog is probable cause anytime, anywhere. All phone conversations and Internet communications are recorded in a decrypted state. Medical records subject to government review. No more attorney/client privilege. Confessions in church are monitored by Fingermen. V for Vendetta coming to life… This is fun! I can go all day.


Every day gets a bit more like the movie Brazil.


Be sure to tune your telescreen for the two minutes hate. In the new 1984, it’s especially the proles who get to have them.


I’m sure that James hasn’t bothered to trouble his little head about why this “business model issue” may have arisen comparatively recently?

It’s not like Apple or Google just decide “Hey, y’know what? We really don’t spend enough on the fiddly engineering work of getting secure crypto systems working; and our mobile devices would really be better off with the overhead of storage encryption. Plus, we haven’t done our part for the terrorists today!”

Search your feelings, James. Why might keeping your grubby hands off our data be a popular selling point now, when users can ordinarily barely be bludgeoned into doing things securely?


So, will the GOP take umbrage to the government interfering with the free market?

Here, I’ll hold my breath.