I haven’t lost any friends due to politics mostly because I am not outspoken with my views, those views aren’t that strong to begin with, and when I do engage on the topic it’s all in a box. To keep this reply short (others may have said this) … Be the bigger person and let it all remain as is. Reaching out in this political climate, even with the most noble of intentions, would not go well. Post election it could come off as gloating or open yourself up to gloating depending on the results. Not sure if you were looking for advice though.
Edit: I am losing respect for certain FB friends who spew nonsense. One in particular compared Bernie Sanders and his vision of Anerica to Hugh Chavez and Venezuela. Ok dude. I’ll be avoiding you at the reunion.
Second: oof, that’s a tough one, especially because of your mum. Not that you specificly (specifically?) want or need my advice/thoughts, but I’m gonna have a think about this and get back to you.
No prodigy here. Well, maybe a prodigy at proscrastination, but poor wording on my part – I met her when I was 11 and she eventually became my college roommate our junior and senior years. And we had the best apartment EVER. We sponge-painted it certain colors that looked fine in normal light, but we also hung up black lights and when we flipped those switches, it looked like an ocean.
What you’ve written, and what was written before, makes me think: @knoxblox attracts broken-winged-bird types by being kind and supportive. They end up marrying manipulators who seek out that type because they like to control their prey, which is hard to do if the husbands have a regular example in their lives of someone who is supportive without being manipulative. So, the good guy has to go. (not sure if I explained that well)
My impression is a tiny bit gentler…that it’s more pathological rather than deliberate, and some people might not be fully aware that’s what they’re doing…in fact I’m pretty sure that’s the case with one of my (I guess formerly) local friend’s concerns…but yeah, that’s basically the gist of it!
We’re all kind of broken toys, so I’m cautious about assigning much ill intent when people often are just reacting the way they’ve been trained to react. But I’ll admit I have more of an initial negative reaction towards ‘controlling’ people than I do of most.
I’m not sure how much you’re putting into the quotes around “love”, but IMO plain old pure love doesn’t have much to do with any distinction between monogamous romance and having a fuck-buddy or three. You have friends you love, don’t you? So if you have female friends who you’re very fond of, why shouldn’t that friendship extend to a physical expression of that?
Seems to me, that sex is needlessly bound to romance, as a legacy of pre-contraception mores. I don’t see why people can’t be sexual partners on a regular or occasional basis as independent autonomous entities, rather than automatically glomming together as a couple. All it takes is both parties being able to own their own insecurity and jealousy, rather than making a deal to be able to rely on each other’s presence in exchange for having to deal with all the crap that partners have to go through that friends don’t.
They don’t have to tick all your boxes and you don’t have to tick all theirs, and it stays fresh and exciting because the basis of that excitement largely remains: two independent people consenting to share physical intimacy without the burdensome expectations and tiresome compromises that otherwise follow; the love doesn’t have to keep jumping hurdle after hurdle.
Perceiving many of the fundamentals of human interaction differently than most people makes it nearly impossible to pass for “normal” in most settings. I can’t just whip up fake models which will seem less odd. This has the effect of severe differences of politics and religion (for example) without even needing to discuss those topics directly. It probably helps somewhat that I am not very judgemental, but many don’t believe that because they assume that I must be reacting against something else.
It often happens on really basic every-day levels of social interaction. For example, at one hard job, everybody always joked about how “you do it because you need the money”. When I happened to mention that I did not need the money, but rather did it out of a sense of duty, I was completely scandalized. Most of them instantly branded me as some effete rich person even though I live exceedingly modestly. Or somebody might say “thank god”, and if I don’t catch myself I might ask “Which god is that?”, which seems like an obvious question, but again freaks people out. Many people I meet are simply not curious and talk 99% of the time to create stable social expectations - a process which is thwarted by any interactions with me! The novelty has long since worn off though, I am not interested in alienating people for my own amusement. It can be funny, but it’s usually just annoying.
How does this work out for friendship? It works OK in cities, but not at all in suburban environments. People are more cosmopolitan and have much greater thresholds for weirdness in cities. In suburbs, people seem to be all insecure, competitive, and intent upon gossip and minding each others business. Another problem is that as I get older, I meet less people around my age who are lefty artist types who could put up with me. Young people still think I am really cool, but that gets increasingly inconvenient. My last serious prospect for a “date” was less than half my age (19 years to my 44), so I passed on it. Partly because of different interests and partly to reduce friction with other people I know. I have become accustomed to being a recognized “character” but having no real meatspace friends.
To be perfectly honest, maybe two. Both male (I don’t swing that way), both hundreds or thousands of kilometers away. I don’t make friends easily: my standards for friends are about as high as they are for romantic partners.
If I did have a female friend willing to go FWB… I don’t think I could make it work. I don’t want to go too deeply into the details, but some brains are wired for monogamy, and I’m pretty sure mine is one of them. I don’t think the alternative is morally wrong, but it is simply not my thing.
Again, I do appreciate the suggestion. For other people having the problems I’ve described, that might be a workable solution. But for multiple reasons, none of which I’d like to discuss publicly, I’m afraid that would cause rather more problems for me than it would ameliorate.
Well, then, you know what to do: make those unreasonable standards of yours more realistic. Recognize when you are allowing minor faults to get to you, and stop letting them do that.
Yeah, you’re gonna have to stop doing that. A particularly useful manifestation of high intelligence is recognizing that, as smart as you are, you actually are not the smartest mind on the planet, and you want to be prepared for that joyous moment when you fall in love with someone who may turn out to be your intellectual equal… or superior. My (dauntingly intelligent) wife and I still sometimes struggle with this, where in most circumstances she trusts her own judgement more than mine (or anyone else’s), and I tend to trust my own over anyone else’s. This has proven inefficient, wrongheaded, and destructive. But as the years go by, she and I have really grown to better understand each other’s processes and strengths and backgrounds and judgement, and if anything as our mutual trust and respect has grown, our mutual joy and desire and love have grown.
One can’t really control what one is attracted to, but one can control how one responds to most stimuli, and one can also control the level of control one demands in a relationship. Risks will need to be taken. Leaps of faith. Control will occasionally need to be relinquished. It can be terrifying, but it’s also as exhilarating as it is utterly necessary.
You’re just gonna have to put in the effort, and repair the flaws you recognize in yourself to the best of your ability, while simultaneously training yourself to be able to cheerfully accept flaws in others of the same magnitude that you expect others to accept in you. We all have room for improvement, and it’s important that we keep trying to improve, while giving plenty of allowance for others who need improvement in other ways.
Our love is a gift of ourselves, and to love others we must love ourselves, so that we know we’re not giving someone we love something worse than they deserve.
And you’re smart enough to know that the shallow things that attract us don’t last. Supple skin, a sparkling smile, a tight ass… those all fade in a couple decades. But I have made a special effort to remain good friends with my best exes (two dating back to high school, 30 years ago), because my finest love relationships were built upon intellectual and emotional attractions, not solely physical ones.
Never let a great one go just because she leaves the cap off the toothpaste and wet laundry on the floor and insists you load the dishwasher wrong. Never cut her loose because she doesn’t always follow your plans to a T. Embrace the fact that she sometimes thinks you’re utterly wrong, but likes to be with you anyway.
Let yourselves be joyfully imperfect, and you’ll practically fall into her lap.
Or, alternatively, let yourself remain demanding, judgemental, and shallow if that’s true to who you are, and be lonely for a while longer until you realize that I’m right.
You and I both know that you have plenty to offer. And intellectually, you realize that lots of people out there have plenty of profoundly valuable stuff to offer you. Don’t let shallowness and impossible standards get in the way of that. Try out a few possibly-meaningless affairs with fun people that may not quite meet your current standards for long-term relationship. Get more experience, at any cost (really!). You’re bound to obtain a better grasp of what ultimately matters, and what, in the end, does not.
That part you do indeed have to take care of first. Make yourself a happy person, and only then put yourself on the market. Hard won wisdom: “If you want a happy marriage, marry a happy person.”
Good! Keep that attitude. I’ve had my heart broken several times, and I’m not proud to admit it but I’ve broken a few hearts myself. But speaking solely for myself, no matter how deep and sharp the pain I’ve felt, love has never, ever not been worth it.
The chance for true love is always worth the risk, if you ask me.
This is kind of my default state most of the time (which I am ok with now).
And then I randomly meet someone that I like enough to overlook the flaws and experience one of the most wonderful thing a human can experience, batshit irrational lizard-brain love. You’ll find it eventually. If you are a tight-ass now, that only means you’ll lose your shit that much more intensely when you do. Alain de Boton did a great YouTube video about reasons to be single. I’d link it but that’s a suicide operation from an android phone.
Yeah, I get that. It’s the simplest solution. The problem is the vast difference between “simple” and “easy.” Separating the thought processes of criticism from judgement and ditching the latter (because I’d really like to keep the critical thinking skills). That is, allowing myself to recognize that something could be better, and yet not letting it affect how I feel about the whole person… It’s not an easy thing to rewrite your emotional responses. It’s certainly possible, I’ll agree, but it’s much easier said than done.
And there’s where the chasm I mentioned earlier comes into play.
Taking a few hundred feet off of the top of the mountain of my standards: I’m pretty sure I can do that. Rewriting that kind of thing involves introspection, meditation, mindfulness, and, if you already acknowledge your own flaws, doesn’t do much damage to the ego. It’s just (to paraphrase a certain fictional prisoner) a matter of pressure and time.
The “asking people out” part makes a bird grinding down a mountain by sharpening its beak look easy by comparison. It’s a tightrope walk across a chasm, and I know, intellectually, that the more times I walk that tightrope, the better I’ll become at it, until I can eventually dance across the chasm, warding off blows of rejection without faltering.
The problem is, right now, I look at the prospect of dating, and I don’t even see the tightrope. I see the chasm of self-doubt and despair that I’ve dragged myself out of almost every time I’ve been rejected; see those stains of blood and sweat and failure on the narrow path back up to self-esteem. And I am terrified to step out on that rope again. Seriously, asking a woman out is an actual, full-blown phobia for me, on about the same level as (or probably worse than) my fear of heights. Even though the last couple of times, I’ve caught the rope on the way down and managed to make it back to solid ground without getting too bashed up… It’s still a tightrope over a chasm.
I’m not going to risk that grief for just anyone. Which, I suppose, is one reason why my standards got so high in the first place. You say “at any cost,” but if I fall into that chasm too many more times, I might not be able to climb back out, and that is a cost I am not willing to pay.
And the cultural expectation that a man should ask a woman out, but not the other way around, is so much bullshit.
Looking back on the few times I felt ‘in love’, what’s kind of funny is how not even close to my ‘ideal mate’ standard these people were, and how little I had to do with ‘finding’ them. If I would have made a list of 20 things I wanted in a mate, these people would have had 1-2 things on the list, and I met all of them in unexpected ways when I wasn’t really trying to meet someone. Love is weird and kind of scary, to me, at least. I go through long periods of being single, then have a relationship for awhile, go into it with very low demands/expectations, and usually end up not taking it too hard when we part ways. But the older I get, the more comfortable I am with the idea of not being in a relationship. I really really like having time to do the things I want to do, like read or do art or chase my cats around the house. Of course sometimes I miss having a partner, but at this particular moment in my life, I really don’t have much emotionally to offer a mate. All of this is just to say, if you are feeling anxiety about being a loner, maybe take a step back and try to shake off your culture’s attitudes about being ‘single’, and try to figure out what it is you think you are missing. Sometimes there are very good reasons to stay single. Don’t get down on yourself because you think you just MUST have some failing that prevents you from finding a partner. Maybe you just don’t WANT one right now.
Here’s that video I was talking about. It’s not super-substantial, but it might jar your thoughts on the subject a little.
Getting rejected has very little to do with YOU. I have been asked out by girls that were WONDERFUL in every possible way, but I politely declined, because I was too busy, because I was broke, and more than once because I was insecure. A rejection is not an incrimination of you, at all. You HAVE to ditch that idea yesterday. There are so many very good reasons you will be rejected that have absolutely nothing to do with you. At all. You are a smart guy, that is obvious from your posts here at BoingBoing. And I bet you are a great conversationalist. If it really is fear of rejection that is preventing you from dating, I think you should try a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach. (If you are not familiar with CBT, it is basically just taking small doses of what scares you until it no longer scares you). Go to a park, or museum, or some place where you aren’t likely to see anyone you know and bring a newspaper. Sit on a bench or the grass and strike up small talk with anyone that gives you the opportunity. I’m not saying be a creep, or ask out anyone, just chit chat, preferably with women. Just get comfortable talking with them, and note all the times during that conversation where you would have had an opportunity to invite them to coffee or to just stretch your legs and go for a walk right then and there. I’m NOT saying find a date this way, I’m saying talk with strangers to get over that anxiety in a manageable way. Hint: Be a good listener and ask people about themselves.
Edit: And of course there’s always alcohol. If you can drink socially, that’s not a bad way to loosen you up a little.
Sage words. Reading this conversation really makes me wish that we talked about all aspects of relationships in schools at a young age. So much of this stuff we learn by leaving a path of hurt and bad feelings in our wake, if we ever learn it at all.
This is where the party ends
I can’t stand here listening to you
And your racist friend
I know politics bore you, but I feel like a hypocrite talking to you
And your racist friend
Anyway. . . I mostly run in pretty liberal circles - honestly, the world has self-segregated so much already that someone who endorses Trump is unlikely to end up in either my online or IRL circles. These days my dad doesn’t even support the Canadian Conservative party anymore. I maybe sometimes get some weird stuff through facebook, which sucks, because they’ll show you posts that your friends have replied to, but you don’t have the opportunity to jump in and tell a friend of a friend that they’re badly misinformed.
