THE SCENE: A boringly normal-looking suburban street in Anytown, England. Dogs bark, children shout, a delivery van drives slowly past.
CUT TO: A different street, more densely urban: houses on one side, a big new charter school campus on the other. Uniformed kids hang around outside the gates and in the playground…
VOICE-OVER: Keeping our schools and homes safe.
PAN RIGHT: A street corner adjacent to the school. Just round the corner, past more buildings, the camera zooms in to frame a man in a lime-green PERVERT SUIT and cloak, crouching in front of a house. He brandishes a teddy bear at the camera.
PERVERT SUIT: Arr, I am NONCE-BOY! I hang out on street corners near schools and ’ipnotize your kids! ’Oo knows what hideous perversions I fantasize about perpetrating on their smooth underage flesh, what nightmarish pedobear-related fantasies I intend to corrupt their innocent little souls with —
ZOOM OUT: A posse of SUPERHEROES are racing down the side street towards PERVERT SUIT.
SUPERHERO 1: It’s NONCE-BOY! Get ’im!
SUPERHERO 2: On my way!
SUPERHERO 3 (female): Flying scissor kick! Oh Piroge jump! They Fight.
CUT TO: NONCE-BOY lying prone on the pavement with his hands and feet hog-tied in elaborate Japanese rope bondage style. The SUPERHEROES stand over him. He grins horribly at the camera.
NONCE-BOY: They’re making a big mistake.
CUT-TO: A Police interview room. TWO INSPECTORS are cross-examining NONCE-BOY.
INSPECTOR 1: And what exactly did SUPERHERO 1 say?
NONCE-BOY: I heard him distinctly say, “It’s NONCE-BOY! Get ’im!” Then he attacked me without provocation.
INSPECTOR 2: Are you denying your previous? You’ve done time for hideous crimes of hideousness! He obviously thought you were about to get up to your old tricks again.
NONCE-BOY: Nevertheless, I has my Human Rights! Including the right not to be beaten up by random vigilantes! (Confidingly): And there’s more.
INSPECTOR 1: What else?
NONCE-BOY: SUPERHERO 3 used her Oh Piroge jump on me. That’s sexual assault, that is!
CUT-TO: A Police briefing room with the TWO INSPECTORS.
INSPECTOR 2: It’s no good. He’s got us bang to rights.
INSPECTOR 1: We can’t let him go! He’s a pervert —
INSPECTOR 2: But he’s right about one thing. The SUPERHEROES who took him down are vigilantes. They didn’t observe due process, they didn’t identify a suspect in the process of committing or preparing a crime, they aren’t sworn officers of the law like you and me, they used dubious or outright illegal methods, and they inadvertently handed his defense a watertight case. In fact, they’ll be lucky if he doesn’t sue them.
INSPECTOR 1: All we can do is let him go and hope he falls downstairs on his way out of the cell block.
INSPECTOR 2: And this is a one-story-high police station, so that’s not terribly likely.
INSPECTOR 1: (Addresses the camera): So NONCE-BOY walks free, all because those SUPERHEROES acted like idiots.
ZOOM IN: INSPECTOR 1
INSPECTOR 1: Want to be a SUPERHERO? Don’t be like these numpties! Join up with TPCF. Get wise, get trained, get your villain.
FADE TO: Home Office Logo, Transhuman Policy Coordination Force contact information.
