The Internet of Things in Your Butt: smart rectal thermometer

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With the new fangled ones checking (I am guessing infra red) across the forehead or just inside the ear so easily, Why this?


Technology may change, but there will always be people who like to stick things in their butts.


NSA Supervisor - Good work on this analysis Agent Smith, but a question, what’s this bit of metadata here and how does it fit in?

Agent Smith - Oh, well Sir, you said to collect all data… so

NSA Supervisor - Yes, yes I did, so out with it Agent!

Agent Smith - Sure, um, that’s the median temperature of the assholes of several hundred gullible consumers.

NSA Supervisors - … it’s what now?

Agent Smith - (relieved) Exactly that, should I delete it then, I honestly thought it was a bit much

NSA Supervisor - FFS yes delete that, I don’t want to know good god perhaps we are going to far with all this…

Agent Smith - Yes, Supervisor consider it done…

NSA Supervisor - Well… I don’t want to get into trouble with head office… Oh god… just keep it, keep it… we’ll find a use for it someday

Agent Smith - (saddened) yessir…


Oh I got nothing against things in butts, just that one doesn’t even look fun.


Yippie! Where do I sign up for the code injection?!

Something something DROP TROU…


If it’s so smart, what is it doing stuck in butts?


I’m not using that, I only put things in my butt that are on Eddie Murphy’s official list of things to put in your butt.


It’s all so very high-tech and awesome, but what happens when it gets hacked?

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Congratulations, we’ve achieved literal Internet of Shit.

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I think the forehead and ear methods don’t give readings that are as representative of core temperatures as this more, um, invasive method. Under the tongue is good, but hard to do with small children.

I worry more about the back end.


but if it was an internet of things butt plug it could also be a rectal thermometer - AT THE SAME TIME! Basically due to the magic of data collection and miniaturization every IOT device is destined to be a multitool covering all the functionalities usually distributed among multiple devices for its particular location / core functionalities.

in the future there won’t be any lone dildos circling a conveyor belt, abandoned out of shame, first of all these devices will be too expensive, will have too much data and be connected to too many services to leave behind (oops, I see what I did there) and second of all you will have the plausible deniability of saying “Get your minds out of the gutter freaks, it’s a thermometer - cream dispenser”

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This chain is undoubtedly trying to be funny, but as a user of the Kinsa thermometer I can tell you that it has literally saved my life. I had a raging infection a few months ago and being able to track my temperature and symptoms on the phone to show my doc was incredibly helpful in them giving me the right dose of antibiotics.
So while “rectal” might be funny to some, this product is one of the few IoT ones that I actually think is useful. Plus not sure how many of these commenters are parents, but rectal temperatures are encouraged by many pediatricians and being able to track your sick kid’s symptoms on the phone makes things much easier. So I for one thank Kinsa.


The man who calls himself RavenX sits quietly in the cafe corner, laptop before him, back to the wall. He speaks softly. “I know everything about the people here. Their social security numbers, the names of their pets. Go on. Ask me the rectal temperature of that woman at the bar.”


Butthole Surfers.


The…er…knot on this is pretty small to serve both purposes.


Ugh, seriously, Cory? Where do I even start?

This is not specifically a “rectal thermometer”, though I understand why you’d focus on that (either to appease your inner 12-year-old or to generate more page visits for BB). It’s a thermometer. Can it measure your body temperature via your rectum? Yes. You can also measure via your underarm or your mouth. But I suppose “oral thermometer” doesn’t generate nearly as much traffic or sniggering.

This is also not really “Internet of Things”. The Kinsa thermometer doesn’t connect to the Internet, it connects to your phone. The primary purpose of this is to allow you to easily track the health data of you and your family. Can you, from your traditional thermometer, easily see when the last time was that you were running a fever? Does your traditional (but obviously not rectal) thermometer ask you what other symptoms you’re experiencing, so that you have a confident answer when your doctor asks you exactly how long you’ve had that sore throat?

Yes, the Kinsa app can provide anonymized data if you wish, so that parents can be aware if there appears to be something going around at their kids’ schools. But again, optional.

If you’re just desperate to slap a modern tech buzz-phrase in your article, “quantified self” would have been far more appropriate. This whole article comes off as rather technophobic and dismissive, ignoring the positive aspects of what Kinsa is trying to do in favor of being sophomoric and cynical.


just wait till you see version 2.0!

While a thermometer up my rear sounds intriguing I think that I’ll stick with the more modern ear thermometer. I usually prefer general anesthesia when I get my butt examined. But hey, that’s just me.