The Silent Suffering of the Asian-American

Thank you for posting this. I’m in the process of moving my mixed Chinese/white-American family from Japan to near my hometown in rural Michigan. The Atlanta murders and all of the other hate crimes have my wife and I really scared and unsure.

I want so badly to protect my 2 and 5 year old daughters from racism and feeling that they don’t fit in but I’m at a loss for what to do. All three of our options (stay in Japan, move to the US, move to China) seem bad. If Maddie or any other BBers have advice on how to raise confident well-adjusted bi-racial girls I’m all ears.

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Jesse, I have two adopted cousins from China. I will ask my aunt if she has any advice.

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I would strongly urge you to reconsider the rural Michigan part, especially if you’re talking in the northern half of the mitten or the UP.

If you need to be near family (which we all understand), then try to live in a college/university community.

School is going to be a big issue. Do not assume. Really watch and listen to what is being presented to you and what you’re noticing in unscripted moments. No matter how good the school, there will be micro aggressions from both other students and teachers.

You’re going to have to be active, hands-on parents to really get to know the friends and their families, coaches and team members, etc. and you’ll have to talk with your kids many, many times as they get older about what they’re experiencing and how to handle it and when to ask for parental help.

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As an older halfbreed, I can absolutely tell you that there is no way to protect them.

If you stay in Japan, there’ll be bad racism because they’re not Japanese.
If you move to China, political environment aside, they’ll be the halfbreed kids that aren’t viewed as Chinese.
If you move to the USA, there’s all of the racist BS pointed out in the article.

The fact is that people are racist everywhere. Some places are better than others sure (Larger cities in CA aren’t that bad, and with your kids’ generation, there are actually a TON of mixed Asian kids nowadays (when I was little, it was pretty much just my sister and I).

The best way to raise your mixed race kids to be confident and well adjusted (racially) is to teach them about the cultures that they inherited, both the good and the bad. Also, honest discussions of racism when they’re old enough, and an honest discussion of the nature of humans (that it’s not always inherently sunny and good like almost every kids narrative, where even the bad guys can be redeemed).

Just be aware that wherever they end up, your kids may end up feeling pretty isolated and alone. The article did a good job pointing out the “not white, but never Asian enough” phenomenon, and that’s a harsh reality. Be there for them, and that’ll be exactly what they need.

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I read an article by a Korean-American (IIRC) woman who said that she kept quiet about racist bullying at school because she didn’t want her mother to worry. Make sure that your children won’t think that they are making your life easier by not saying anything

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As an American in Japan myself, I gotta ask: Why leave Japan? If you don’t mind my asking, what is making Japan seem like not a good option?

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I agree with @chgoliz about rural Michigan, and would like to add Class C and D schools are pretty garbage. Ann Arbor isn’t perfect, but they’re actively working toward equity for all students, and the student population is pretty diverse. Since normal people can no longer afford living in A2, Schools of Choice has become a very attractive option for parents living in more affordable areas of the county with not so good school districts.

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Japan has a big problem with school bullying in addition to the passive-aggressive treatment of gaijin you’ve probably experienced.

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School bullying is a pretty big issue here, but it’s not really unique to Japan. It’s the kind of thing that, unfortunately, is hard to escape from anywhere. As for passive-aggressive treatment of gaijin, it’s usually pretty low-grade stuff. It’s not like the active-aggressive treatment of people of color in America. Micro-aggressions against foreigners happen, but it’s not like Karens calling the police on us or the police showing up and shooting us.

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I think the school experience for Japanese kids is more immersive than for kids in the US. Japanese kids have mandatory activities, clubs they are pressured to join, and a close identity with their school. American kids can make friends outside of school and do extracurricular activities outside of their school. This leads to why there is a higher student suicide rate.

From my experience in Japan, there’s a gaijin hierarchy with Caucasians at the top. Black Americans deal with different aggressions, some not so micro. Foreigners from Asian countries get the worst of it. Granted none of them are going to get shot by the police on basis of race, but in the US news, you don’t read that much about Asian Americans being profiled, shot and beaten by cops either.

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Hey another Jesse in Japan,

I taught elementary and middle school here for many years and I saw first hand how the kids who were “hafu” faced so much pressure to fit in. It’s hard for any kid to be different in the Japanese school system. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for my girls who aren’t even half Japanese.

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This for sure. The racism directed at me, a white American man, and the racism directed at my wife, a Chinese woman, are on completely different levels.

Also, the expectations are different. I get praised for speaking a little Japanese while she often gets ignored or insulted while speaking native-level.

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Incidentally, have you looked into the possibility of relocating to Taiwan? I am not sure how difficult the visas would be in your situation, but you might find a lot of the benefits of Japan and China without all of the drawbacks.

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I came to Japan in 2005 and a lot has changed in the 15 years I have been here. People from SE Asia are a much more visible minority now, and it’s no longer all that unusual for companies to have people from China on their payroll. I am not saying that racism or the racial hierarchy no longer exist in Japan, but things are changing and the kind of racism faced by foreigners in Japan pales in comparison to what US citizens who happen to be POC face in America.

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