Wells Fargo is looking for a new CEO

#1

Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2019/04/01/rip-charlie-manson.html

6 Likes
#2

If nobody else applies, I’ll take a crack at it.

14 Likes
#3

I’ll do it. What are my qualifications, you ask? I mean, it’s Wells Fargo. Does it matter?

17 Likes
#4

No, pick me. I can make super disastrous decisions. I will best all the past CEO’s.

17 Likes
#5

That illustrious list of accomplishments for WF is incomplete without noting that it was one of the last Western banks that thought lending money to Il Douche was a sound decision (Deutsche Bank being the other).

I’m sure they’ll have their choice of candidates with no morals, no ethics and poor judgement to make sure business continues as usual.

18 Likes
#6

While I could use a few million dollars, I’m afraid I’d be unable to resist the urge to burn it all down and piss on the ashes. I guess the search will have to continue.

11 Likes
#7

Easy. Give an A.I. agent the WF’s CEO chair. And let quantum computers do the rest.

1 Like
#8

The never ending revolving door at Wells Fargo! Wheeeeeee!

7 Likes
#9

How about Elizabeth Holmes (when she gets back from her honeymoon/divorce).

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#10

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#11

Burn it all down and then deploy golden parachute.

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#12

This kind of barely-restrained extreme capitalism will continue until the public has had enough to the point of rioting and burning (which I do NOT want to happen, nor do I advocate it).

3 Likes
#13

My wife and business partner will attest that I have a proven track record when it comes to poor decision-making. I believe I’m just the man to really turn Wells Fargo around 360 degrees!

Also, I heard there were going to be golden parachutes?

7 Likes
#14

That means being the worst for customers. But you know that! :slight_smile:

#15

Apparently, not. I have a first cousin on my mom’s side who’s a WF veep, and NOBODY on that side of the family talks to her (and for reasons not disclosed to me). Knowing that side of the family, though, she would have to be some kind of monster.

EDITED: I don’t want this one getting back to me!

4 Likes
#16

Absolutely. I will just go from branch to branch smacking the cash out of people hands and lecturing them on why they don’t deserve to hold my money. because it is my money, they just don’t know it yet.

7 Likes
#17

I seriously don’t understand why people haven’t been burning down local WF branches.

I don’t advocate that of course, but thousands of people had their money directly stolen by the local branches due to pressure from above. It wasn’t corporate who stole the money. It was your account manager.

1 Like
#18

Your post can serve as the entirety of your resume! You’d be a shoe-in, baby!

4 Likes
#19

That’s fine. Just do it in stages:

  1. Burn it all down
  2. Convince the board that only your piss can extinguish the embers
  3. Collect bonus retention $$$
  4. Piss on the ashes
9 Likes
#20

First thing I will do is buy a personal jet to fly down to Mexico to make a YouTube video of myself eating avocado toast off the body of an underage… [Censored by Wells Fargo lawyers].

Ok. Which one of you lawyers censored me? [Rants incorrectly about 1st amendment for 2 and a half hours]

2 Likes