Al Qaeda's job application form

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For whatever reason, “What objectives would you would like to accomplish on your jihad path?” stimulates my humor lobe, possibly because I loath its infidel cousin “Where do you see yourself in five years?” so much.


What’s the co-pay on their medical and dental plans?


I presume “in heaven with the requisite number of virgins” is the standard answer.

I’m sure it went something like this:


You know why it’s 75 virgins? Comes from the haggling culture. We want 100 virgins… no I can only give 50 ok how about we meet halfway.

Jeez, it’s almost like they’re people or something, not swarming malevolent hive insects in human form.


Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?


Do you believe this?

(c R.A. Wilson)

I’m withholding judgement in favor of enjoyment at the present. It’s not particularly implausible that a document of this sort would exist; but that hardly implies that this is the real thing, or explains why the DNI (good old ‘Least untruthful’ Clapper!) decided to not merely release it; but even handle the web hosting. My understanding was that standard practice called for things to ‘leak’ to suitably cooperative reporters if they were deemed politically useful now; and for everything else to be stamped ‘super top secret’ and stored for a few aeons before being handed over to the National Archives and Records guys.

Did something burble out of the muck of the ‘Intelligence Community’ that started months ago? Is this some weird ‘if we show them one totally unimportant document they’ll think we’re being honest and transparent!’ response to the Seymour Hersh piece? Some intern just lose their security clearance the less than fun way?

The questions all strike me as being very much in line with the kinds of questions considered relevant in Arab work culture and Islamic doctrines. The “science versus humanities” question for example: A lot of Arab school systems are dual track and students are either “science” or “humanities” focused in the last three or four years of high school.

Sunni Muslims of the fundamentalist type are largely concerned about ideological purity, especially when it comes to who taught you about things like Sharia. Questions about when you arrived in a place of Jihad are related to doctrinal issues surrounding what constitutes the boundaries for the theater of war. A lot of the other questions are very basic, and very much relevant to an organization like Al-Qaeda. People who join Al-Qaeda are often not communicating their intentions until they show up at a cell-leader’s doorstep, and there’s no way to vet or otherwise sort combatants without some kind of rudimentary rubric, at very least.

As for why it’s being leaked. If I had to guess? They want people to join Al-Qaeda. No, seriously. The current big threat is ISIS, and the CIA and DNI in particular knows how to fight Al-Qaeda and it’s cheaper and easier than fighting ISIS. Leaking this document makes Al-Qaeda more relevant again, and may fork potential recruits from ISIS. Just a theory, but it’s honestly what I would do if I were concerned about ISIS in the peculiar myopic way our intelligence community tends to be concerned about anything.


“Where do you see yourself in five years? Bear in mind there is only one correct answer…it’s Paradise.”


If anybody believes this joke, you are one gullible little shite. Amazingly valueless prop documnet, made publicly available in the context of the transparently constructed “Zero Dark Thirty” lie, as exposed the week before by Sy Hersh - and reluctantly corroborated by NBC and NYT.

Ladies and gentleman, this is how you work, when as an extra-legal spy agency, you can get Oscar to bend over for driving your nomination hard and deep.

I bet they have better HR department than most big companies.

And coffee breaks should be really cool.

-Hey, what’s going on.
-Here, managing the Jihad.
-Did you heard about Bob, the accountant?
-Bob? That upright asshole?
-Yeah, he blew himself to smithereens.
-Allah is Great.
-Fucking great!
-Fuck Bob… So… there is an opening in accounting, isn’t it?
-Nah, Stevenson took it. He is such an asshole.
-I tell you, Joe, one of these days I’m going to explode.
-Hahahahahahaha, you are so funny!
-Time is up! See you in Saturday’s Casual Jihad Picnic!
-See you!

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Why oh why did it remind me on this, quite old one?

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The Looming Tower had sources describing a regional al Qaeda affiliate sending urgent messages to Osama bin Laden about availability of benefits. This wouldn’t be the first hint that al Qaeda had bureaucratic tendencies. That would also be consistent with Osama’s background in the bin Laden family corporation. That it’s not inherently implausible doesn’t mean it’s real, of course, but I don’t see any reason to assume that it’s fake, either.

The lede of this story describes an Human Resources problem at Al Qaeda,

DAKAR, Senegal (AP) — After years of trying to discipline him, the leaders of al-Qaida’s North African branch sent one final letter to their most difficult employee. In page after scathing page, they described how he didn’t answer his phone when they called, failed to turn in his expense reports, ignored meetings and refused time and again to carry out orders.

but the rest of the story describes a zealous, and dangerous terrorist who transcended the limitations of the workplace by becoming his own boss.

I think the US has a legitimate interest in deglamorizing this version of jihad, but other documents have more value if kept secret for the time being.

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