Okay, Drivers, listen up.
You’re a fun-loving bunch, if not a very pretty one, but I don’t see too many smiles out there. I think I know why. Most of you are old enough to remember a time when there was more to eat than pizza, when you didn’t have to spend your days shitting into your driver’s seat to get across town, when you didn’t have to perpetually keep an eye out for tentacles and teeth and hillbillies snatching your hooch.
There’s no putting a happy face on it, ladies and germs: this place fucking sucks. We’ve spent the last decade aimlessly driving around and robbing each other, just trying to stay alive and ahead of the zombies, simply because the alternative seemed to be nothing more than a messy, painful, and undignified death.
But here you still are. That means something. It means you haven’t given up hope, that you think there’s at least some small chance that tomorrow might be slightly better than yesterday. Well, I’m gonna bust that bubble right here and now. If you stay here, tomorrow’s gonna blow harder than yesterday, but not nearly as hard as next week. Earth is finished for us humans (and human-analogues), so we might as well hand it over to the roaches and GTFO.
That shiny uncircumcised eyesore over there is our ticket outta here. It’s a rocket, fully loaded and programmed to take fifty people and an entire biodome suite to Mars. Yes, Mars, that reddish star that ain’t a star up there. That rocket, that Ark of Humanity, was built by exceptionally rich and ingenious people who intended to abandon us all down here and start their own plutocracy on the Red Planet. But with all their fancy educations and sophistication, I think the phrase “hoist with his own petard” was alien to them. “Squashed by his own Helicarrier” may have entered their vocabularies too late, an instant after said Helicarrier literally entered their minds in a dismayingly violent fashion.
I mean to take that Ark to Mars, and I mean for all of you who want to come along to join me. Things will be strange and difficult and alien during the trip, and even stranger and harder on Mars… but the alternative is living out what few days we have left here.
Not for me. And not for my kid.
The rocket should be in as-new condition, but it’s stuck in an awkward position. The original launch pad is a mile or two away, but the launch tower itself was cannibalized and digested by these… well, we call them junkbots. The neutron bomb that went off over Huntington’s Bitch eliminated all biological lifeforms, but Stark had some strange stuff brewing in his skunkworks, government Defense Department contract stuff mostly, but he dealt with all manner of international players those last few years in order to help fund the Ark. The junkbots come in two sizes, the APCs and the Screamers. The APCs are small, about as big as your thumb. They digest biomatter as well as steel, and are named for what they look like: Armor-Plated Cockroaches. Don’t try and step on one; at that point it’s usually too late.
The Screamers are bigger, about dog-size, and they’ll do wicked damage to your ride if they get close enough.
Small-arms fire will usually take care of those, but the APCs need to be avoided; they’re fireproof and a serious bitch to hit with bullets. A full SHITGO dump will distract them enough for escape, of course, but you’d better hope somebody else with enough TorQue is nearby to haul your ass home… or the APCs will give you a gnaw you’ll never forget before you can get away.
The original launch tower was destroyed, and since that rocket’s only entrance is 300 feet up a frictionless surface, we need to get it to another launch tower. That contraption under the rocket is the Marion crawler-transporter, originally built to move the Saturn V rockets that first sent humans to the moon. It was the largest self-propelled land vehicle in the world when it was built, some sixty-odd years ago. Wayne bought it when NASA decommissioned the shuttle program in 2011. Stark’s people were upgrading it and trying to install an AI drive module, but the bomb came too soon and the electromagnetic pulse killed its drive mechanism, just like it killed all those new cars out there. The rocket is shielded against EMPs, and should be 100% spaceworthy… but we’re gonna need to drag it to a new launch tower.
That’s right: I said “drag.” Between us, we have more than enough SHITGO torque to pull the Marion and her payload wherever we want. And on my way south from Sacramento, I found our destination. There’s a never-used launch tower up at Edwards Air Force Base, out in the desert north of L.A. I propose we chain ourselves to the Marion, and haul the whole pile out to Edwards.
And then, we make a new life for ourselves as the Badass Dragons of Mars.
You with me? Okay. We’re gonna need a few things before we start.
Mission One: The Stark Skunkworks
The Ark is sitting about a hundred feet from where it was built. The design and testing offices, however, are a couple miles away at the Skunkworks, on the campus of the old Boeing plant in Seal Beach. In Stark’s executive office, in the top-left corner of his desk, should be the warranty card for the Ark’s OS. On that warranty card is a unique serial number. For our purposes you can think of it as the “launch codes” but really, Stark was nothing more than a scatterbrained playboy billionaire who could conceive and design any machine or computerized system anyone could imagine, but was forever losing his car keys in his own jacket pockets and spilling his Froot Loops down the front of his lapel. It’s just goddamned typical that the serial number on the warranty card for a totally off-the-shelf OS should be the decryption key for his spaceship to another planet. The smug, lazy prick.
This mission is best attempted with a Mule along for the ride. The main entrance to Stark Industries is at the corner of Saturn Way and Apollo Drive in Seal Beach. One could just head down Bolsa Chica Road from here, turn left on Westminster Blvd to Seal Beach, knock on the door, and prepare to take on all the automated antipersonnel turrets and flamethrower-wielding golfcarts therein, since it seems my Stark Industries ID badge must have expired. That would be the Hard Way.
But there’s another way: a crafty party could head over to the old launch pad itself.
It’s a sizable disc of concrete out in the middle of the Seal Beach National Wildlife Refuge, just at the end of (I kid you not) Nasa Road. Somewhere on that concrete circle is a Hatch that opens big enough to admit even Junior’s fat mechanical ass. And there’s an access tunnel that leads to the bowels of the Skunkworks. A particularly burly Mule might be able to lift that hatch… the failsafes are locked and strong, but it’s not inconceivable a strong enough Mule can bust through. That tunnel should be lightly patrolled by turrets and golfcarts, much lighter than the main entrance at any rate. But Stark used to keep a pet down there. I never saw it, but I heard rumors. I have no idea if that pet is even still alive, since it’s been ten years, but y’know, times being what they are, I think we can safely assume it’ll come into play, if we go that way.
Your choice. Of course, if our Mules fail to open the hatch, we’re obliged to go the Hard Way anyway. Which may not even be the Hard Way, depending on what Stark’s li’l buddy is up to.
Oh, and remember the neutron bomb? Yeah, those pesky neutrons aren’t so good for us living, breathing folk. But we’ve found through exhaustive experimentation that a healthy coating of mozzarella cheese will keep you alive long enough to get in and out of the skunkworks. It also affords a +1 AR bonus for this Round, so hooray for that.
Mission 1a: Skunkworks Front Door
Infiltrate the Skunkworks through the front door and retrieve the warranty card.
Mission Costs: Gas. 1 gallon for Scouts, 2 for Escorts, 4 for Mules and Mechanics.
Risks:
- Thousands of APCs. Only high EN will prevent Infestation, which will reduce SHITGO efficiency, which if not resolved will drastically reduce TorQue and possibly cause other problems.
- 50 Guard Bots. Can potentially deal up to 1 HP damage each, depending on AR. Between 25% and 50% chance (depending on LucK and ENgineering) of Guard Bots accidentally shooting each other and flame cart gas tanks.
- 50 Flamethrower Carts. ARmor doesn’t stop flames. High EN seals the vehicle off from flame, and improves targeting speed - you’ll need to quickly hit 10 fuel tanks (a dice roll requiring high EN and LK) to stand a chance of destroying all carts.
Mission 1b: Skunkworks Back Door
Infiltrate the Skunkworks through the hatch, navigate the tunnel, and retrieve the warranty card.
Mission Costs: Gas. 1 gallon for Scouts, 2 for Escorts, 4 for Mules and Mechanics.
Risks:
- Mule must open hatch. TQ, LK, and EN determine if the hatch can be
opened, and how quietly.
- Thousands of APCs. Only high EN will prevent Infestation, which will reduce SHITGO efficiency, which if not resolved will drastically reduce Torque and possibly cause other problems.
- About 30 screamers, divided among players. If you bring scrap steel (one upgrade’s worth), they can be distracted - but probably not completely. Faster and more maneuverable than anything, but fragile - high engineering and firepower will deal with them.
- Two Google tunnel view cars (an abandoned project) that won’t be fooled by stealth (they watch everything you do), and will most likely awaken Stark’s rumored pet.
- Rex, Stark’s pet. Tough to fight. Drivers take turns engaging, Driver who “defeats” him to choose whether to kill, free, or adopt Rex. Adopting Rex may afford benefit, will incur Sidekick penalty of -10SP for as long as you keep him. Killing Rex gives you one of his weapons, +FP unknown until you have it. Freeing him has no positive or negative consequences.
Mission Two: Naval Weapons Station Seal Beach
Right down the block from the front door of the skunkworks is the Naval Weapons Station Seal Beach.
It doesn’t look like much, but it’s still the Naval Weapons Station. And if we’re gonna pull off this job of hauling over eighteen million pounds of payload through the middle of the most dangerous urban environment in the hemisphere, then Weapons are what we’re gonna need. It’s a Navy station, so it’ll be well-secured, but I have a cunning plan. If any of you can pass for friendly military (U.S. or Allied), then we might be able to sneak past some of the considerable security. High ENgineering will help a lot here. Get in, grab what you can, then get out. The success of the mission (and the quality of the spoils) will depend heavily on how little damage you incur within the base.
Mission Costs: Gas (1 gallon for Scouts, 2 for Escorts, 4 for Mules and Mechanics) plus a donation of -1AR to the Toys for Tots bin next to the entrance.
Risks:
- Engineering and Luck important to fool guardbots. Literacy (by at least one person) massively helpful but not necessarily required. If disguise fails, 3 initial guardbots per player at relatively small amount of damage guaranteed (based on armor). Then, depending on speed, maneuverability, and torque, 7-25 additional guardbots AND stray autonomous flamethrower golf carts (at reduced damage because you’re moving). Between 25% and 50% chance (depending on Luck and Engineering) of additional guardbots accidentally shooting themselves and the exposed flamethrower fuel tanks on some golf carts.
- If disguise is successful, guardbots are tricked into shooting themselves and flame cart tanks.
- Once inside, one stray Google/NSA self-driving security car automatically released per player that crosses a sensor at the entrance gate. Fairly weak, but will defeat Mechanics and weak vehicles. Escorts and stronger vehicles will defend weak vehicles while they scavenge.
Mission Three: The Marina
Down the block and around the bend from the Naval Weapons Station is the Alamitos Bay Marina.
In order to pull this chrome-plated monument to Stark’s phallic daydreams all the way up to the desert, we’re gonna need some really stout chains. Head to the marina and ransack the largest vessels you can find. The anchor chain for the USS Kitty Hawk would be overkill, but otherwise we need the heaviest chains you can find. There should be some good loot to plunder as well: gas cans, some armor plates, maybe even a supercharger from one of the speed boats. Take your pick, if the odds favor you finding something. But beware! There are some nasty bastards patrolling what’s left of the marina. You can usually hear them coming by their distinctive emphysemic coughs before you see them:
The amphibious harbor-squids are worse. The smokers stay in the water and use a ranged attack, but the harbor squids are, in fact, amphibious, and will try to climb in your car and take it for a drive, regarding you as merely road-trip junk food. Squash them before they board.
And most especially, watch out for The Ancient Mariner.
That’s him in the background. Remember how the old song went? “It is an ancient Mariner, and he stoppeth one of three.” Sounds like you have a 33% chance of being transfixed by his “long grey beard and glittering eye” for a time, giving the squids more time to chomp at you. 'Ware!
Mission Costs: Gas (1 gallon for Scouts, 2 for Escorts, 4 for Mules and Mechanics) plus a loss of -1EN due to the corrosive but sweet-smelling ocean air.
Risks: You discover that most Navy ship chains have already been salvaged and reused as a Harbor Squid barrier by Smokers who set up a camp in the civilian marina.
Four things to deal with: Harbor Squid infestation, Harbor Squid Queen, Smokers, Ancient Mariner.
- Roll for stealth (based on EN and TQ) - steal the chains from the Smokers without them noticing, who are then promptly eaten by Harbor Squids. If that fails, fight 5 Smokers.
- Fight 12 amphibious Harbor Squids, which can come on land and are quite deadly, but have trouble getting through thick armor and are slow on land.
- Roll for summoning the Harbor Squid Queen, who can only be run away from. Her attack is squid larvae infestation; deadly to weak vehicles and a major clean-up for heavy-duty vehicles with lots of cargo/larvae space.
- The Rime(s) of the Ancient Mariner. You must answer its three Rimes correctly, or you will be immobilized and weapons disabled while the Harbor Squid Queen comes over and infests your vehicle.
So that’s your work for tomorrow. Think about it while you repair, and negotiate alliances and teamwork arrangements among yourselves. This will take some work, so you have 36 hours (until 9:00 PM Thursday evening PST) to make your choices.
That’s all, Drivers. I need a slice and a beer…
(EDITS - minor typographical/formatting fixes, nothing informational changed)
EDIT #2, 2:58 PM PST Wed. - All missions pay +15LP upon completion. No penalty for sitting out the Round. This time.
