Captain Carfax,
If you choose Mission 1, I promise I will have $4,000 in your account before your bill clears at Pete’s.
–David Falkayn
Thank you for your call, my name is Flo and I will be assisting you today... Ah yes.. I see the problem and we've made the appropriate correction to your account. Please call again if you have any other problems and don't forget to rate my service in the questionnaire.
Bollocks.
Switching mission priorities to a full-blown scarper-based death implosion structured de-lamination run on the Warship Scylla…
Anarchy and release from this turgid… business…
I respect your acumen, Falkayn. But you’ll find that not everyone can be bought.
For those who are are buying into this Housefucking pocketbook mercantilism, well; I’ve tangled with monsters. I’ve torn apart their nests, watched from orbit as their little ice-moon cocoons were burnt into incandescence. I’ve taken Majid war-minds and neutered them, purged their codes and substrates. I’ve flattened civilisations. I’ve murdered my friends. Hell. Maybe I’m a monster.
But anyone that can be bought - by noble Falkayn or the ICUP or by any agent, anywhere… you’re a monster I’d not tangle with.
I’m out, Kindred. Kitting up and rolling out.
Mission 3 - The Warship, Scylla
4 Likes
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK… THIS IS SCREWED… I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DID, FALKAYN, BUT YOU…
X7722 QUANTA-CRYPT KEY UNTANGLED
Stow it, Sam. You’re coming too.
Relax.
It’ll be like old times.
3 Likes
You’ve done more amazing things than this before, El.
If you pull this off, you will have done us all a huge favor.
Godspeed.
-David Falkayn.
Well I think whatever happens it’s going to be close. Unfortunately, It’s 1AM friday here right now 
I promised a "recommended " mission post. I don’t have time to make a proper postbut I try to keep my promises.
AVOID MISSION 2 - A Tiny Favor
From private conversations, I believe at least three ships that are currently committed to Mission 1 that can’t change out because of time zone issues or other constrains (I could be wrong). So There will almost certainly be several ships on MIssion 1.
If NO one takes mission 2, there is a 20 % chance that that no-one gets hurt. Alas, the last publicly stated mission for Das Boot was
Mission: 2 (Or is it...? MWAHAHAHAAAAA cough cough)
Your guess is as good as mine what that means.
There is another uncertainty with Mission 2. Tiny’s ship is called “an eye for an eye”. Does Tiny want Pedge’s hide, or Mondo’s eye? Pedge and I concocted a plan so he can’t have both. I am taking the eye on Mission 4, where an attack to get "an eye for eye"will obliterate the Muddlin’ Through but leave everyone else safe. If you choose Mission 2, you can’t be absolutely certain the “eye for an eye,” er the Talionis will actually show up for the attack on Captain Pedge.
If you’re with the ICUP, and your don’t want to deal with all this, Mission 3 is a fine choice.
If you’re average ship stat is 30, you have a roughly 50-50 chance of surviving Mission 4. If you can push your ships stats up towards 40, mission 4 looks pretty darn good.
That’s my quick summary. I am only confident three ships will be signing on to mission 1 to defend Pedge, but it could be more. Obviously, the more sign on, the easier this gets. But each has to decide for themselves – this one is not at all clear cut.
Be safe out there.
–David Falkayn
Tiny scrolls through a series of blinking messages on his com station. It’s a mess of distribution deals gone wrong, delicate political alliances shattered, a message from Pete.
-Click-
Tiny, you can't kill this kid. I know what Mondo meant to you and I feel the same way about the crews who turned on him... but we got bigger problems down the pipe.
You heard the scrapyard got shelled? What you might not know is that the Coalition is claiming Charybdis as a territory. That means it's legal to bring in warships without declaring a formal act of war. There's also a rumor that they hired on a certain celebrity space ranger to help round up all the leftovers from the last ICUP tangle.
We're gonna need your cannons pointed in the right direction. A lot of these guys who took down Mondo still support independence, it's better they end up pressed into the belly of a warship than killing each other. Sit out a round. Cool down. Think about it.
-Pete
-Click-
Somewhat pacified, Tiny scrolls to the next message. Falkayn. This guy’s been chewing up the com channels lately, an ambitious strategist. He’s seen it before in humans, the more noise these ones make, the less truth comes out.
Tiny skims the message. One name sticks out, PEDGE. Tiny’s eyes narrow to dark slits, he slams his fist down on the console. He’s known where to look, he just hasn’t quite been certain that this was the right move. He no longer cares. Enough thinking. Red metal to eleven. Engines to full. Weapons engage.
The Talionis tears through space as Tiny basks in the Red Metal Battle Hymn and slowly builds a cold armor around his heart. Thisssssss issss the end.
1 Like
Oh.
Bollocks.
2 Likes
Damn it to the sssseventh hell. I am sssswayed.
I don’t trussst Captain Falkayn’sss motivesss any further than I can throw up (these daysss, that’sss a ssscant eighty meters, thanksss to the reflux), sssince they ssseem to be founded on warm, fuzzy, touchy-feely notionsss of camaraderie and the boundlessss optimism of as-yet-unrealized potential. All of which ssstrikess this cold-blooded Reptiloid as dissstassstefully… human. Bleccchh.
But my nesssst-brother Nixon has brought up sssseveral exxxcellent pointss, as has the sssurprisingly clever Ssssubroutine Mulder. (Not bad for ninessscore liness of code, good show!) And when it comes down to it, I shall not give up my principlesss. One day, I shall exact payment from Captain Pedge, but on that day, it will be in the Pit of Reconciliation, we’ll be naked and chained together beneath the all-encompassssing winking ssssphincter of Flatusss, and jusssstice will be ssserved and the tadpolesss quieted. (Or, by then, they will have grown their limbs and gotten the hell out of my hot tub and found gainful employment off my goddamned ship.)
Pedge has sssupporters, ship-captainsss with whom I have no quarrel. I will not fight them. Not out of cowardice (Firepower of 38, HP of 168, Luck of 56? I fly no chicken-coop, my friendsss), but out of an abhorrence for sssenssselesss wassste. I can not bring myssself to fight on behalf of Pedge, that would be perverssse beyond my capacity to ssstomach. Ssso no Mission 1 nor Mission 2 for the Flatulent Deity.
The ssssudden, unforessseen departure of the Outlaw Ssssenessscent Wanderer onto Sssuicide Run #3 ssstartled me. My firssst (and nearly irresissstable) impulsssse was to follow El-Esssk’s battle cry of “L’Eeeeroyyy J’En Kinssss” and drop every joule of dessstructive force the Deity carriesss onto the Sssscylla and its cloud of pet gnatsss, probably resulting in the Deity becoming as formlessss, incandessscent, and sssupernatural as its namesssake before too much (if any) damage was visited upon the Ssscylla. And maybe that wouldn’t be too bad an outcome. We all sssusspect (and sssome professs to know) that the Ssscylla is coming for usss ssooner or later, and it’sss only a matter of time before we have to engage that dread dreadnought. Mayhap the Wanderer and the Deity could sssoften the Ssssscylla flotilla up sssufficiently to make our advance attack worthwhile to the overall effort.
But I don’t think ssso. My closssesst analyssiss of the available intelligence revealss no actual data regarding the Ssscylla herself, her ssstrengthss and weaknesssess, how many Hit Pointss she carriesss, nothing. And the Wanderer and I are Outlawsss, and thusss unable to approach without attracting the attention and ssstingersss of the gnat-cloud. Not to mention the Matter Disssruptor. I fear, even with the Deity and more at her back, the Wanderer will have no real posssitive effect at all. El-Esssk is taking the Wanderer down the privy where I dare not follow, on a not-very-consssequential but probably briefly dazzlingly luminousss journey to oblivion. And I do deplore the wasssste.
Godsss damn it, L’Eeeeroyyy.
Misssionss one through three are thuss eliminated from my consssideration. What remainss is an insssult, an outrage, and an egregiousss misssallocation of resssourcess. A ship ass mighty as the Deity, babysssitting a talent-free “entertainer” while he mugss and fornicatess his way through the ssslummier partss of the galaxy, merely in an attempt to improve his “ssstreet cred”?
It fills me with the urge to defecate!
I had resigned myssself to sssimply ssitting out thisss round in a petulant sssnit disssguised as a principled ssstance, until I remembered the horrific 5 Grit penalty for doing ssso.
And ssso it is that I grit my fangss and drum my clawsss on the dashboard and disssgussstedly commit to Mission #4: Preserve the Ssoft Hide of the Holo-Sssstar.
As long as he claimss to want to “work with the orphans and under-privileged sssandfish gutterss,” I’m putting him to work feeding these goddamned polliwogsss.
Pedge! To you I extend the hand of truce, until sssuch time as we can sssettle our ssscore privately.
Accounting for I.M.V. Flatulent Deity:
Beginning balance: $50,000.
Miner’sss Hard Hat (will it fit atop my bolero?): $10,000
Hull Densssity upgrades (to 168HP): $24,000.
Zot Gunsss: $5,000.
Sssscramblersss: $5,000.
Charitable Contribution to the Sssstarboard Home for Indigent Polliwogsss: $4,000.04 (they pay no interessst, but rather enjoy pulling the damp banknotess over their headsss like blanketss)
Reward paid equally to the sssseven would-be Pete ssssaviors: $1,499.96 (that’s $214.28 paid directly to the Cobra II, Ssssenessscent Wanderer, Pussssillanimous Patty, Muddlin’ Through, DubDub, First Post1, Jewel of the Desert)
Mission 4: $500
Not one thin dime left over.
5 Likes
Roger Wilco of the Aluminum Mallard
Repairs -$4400
Mission 2 -$500
Revenge is a dish best served in the cold vacuum of space.
Broadcasting
This is Captain Pedge of the Quisquiliae sStruem in docking holding pattern of the ICUP Scylla. I hereby request permission to dock to carry out minor repairs. I hereby transfer the appropriate funds to reserve berth for Quisquiliae sStruem.
End broadcast
Out of character business part of post
I take on mission 3.
I realize that my early departure to the Scylla means I must bypass my previously booked trip to Ella’s Emporium, but as an ICUP citizen I can get up close to the Scylla. Perhaps my recent celebrity will allow me perhaps audience with the higher-ups on the Scylla.
It seems a bit late to get there early, we’ll see what happens 
in b4 the lock
2 Likes
Jameson has decanted, well poured off into an empty pop bottle, about a litre of Rot gut from the barrel he bought a while back and is sitting in a dark side cave of Pete’s secret base waiting for the work to be finished on The Cobra. He wonders if Ella has got some fancy waiting room now, with a coffee machine, potted plants and magazines on a glass topped coffee table.
He’s shuffled a depression in the sand of the cave floor and made himself comfy in the dark. With only the glow of a cigarette and the occasional light from his terminal screen as he checks the BBS. He stubs out the current cigarette in the sand of the cave floor, shakes the pop bottle to see how much booze is left to hand, then gets to his feet to go and find Pete
Hi Pete,
…
Nah. I made myself comfy in a side cave. Have you seen this about The Senescent Wanderer?
…
Yeah, those Android Mind ships have always given me the heeby-jeebies. I never know if I’m dealing with just one schizo, or if there really are a few of them in there. Whatever. He/She/It/They have got balls. I’m tempted to join in, but it looks like a suicide mission. I’d rather wait ‘til we’ve got a bit more intel’ on the Scylla and the other ships in that fleet.
…
Yeah. I think I grok what He/She/it/they are getting at. Mondo didn’t tell you what to do. He made it possible for you to do things.
…
Tiny?
…
Oh I reckon he just wants that damned eye. Probably thinks he can use it to open some retina locked vault that he imagines Mondo left a stash in. Do Space Lizards have retina?
…
Nah. I was never going to get involved in that Tiny thing. I’m kind of tempted to help El-Esk out, but I’m not at home to Mr Death today, So I’m going to look after that Arse hole Nebula. Seems like a good score and if I survive I’ll know a bit more about the Scylla. Plus if it’s bad news I’ll have a good stash if I want to leave the system.
…
Oh yeah. Did you get chance to ask about the er. Other thing?
Cobra II
Same stats as before except:
-$500 to sign up for Mission 4.
So $2060 left.
Oh. Hang on. What’s this message?
Cool!
Looks like I’ve got $2,274.28 left.
2 Likes
Stardate 6
Jewel of the Desert
Accounting Ledger
------------------------------------------------------
Init. Balance $50000
------------------------------------------------------
Captain Sssskipper's Gift +$214.28
Falkayn's Mission 1 Incentive +$4000
$54214.28
------------------------------------------------------
Receipt - Scrapyard Pete's
H.D.A. 37 @ $500 $18500
Zot Guns 3 @ $5000 $15000
Scramblers 2 @ $5000 $10000
Miner's Hat 1 @ $10000 $10000
Total $53500
Tadpole Orphans Fund $14.28
------------------------------------------------------
Mission 1
Various Supplies $500
------------------------------------------------------
Balance $200
------------------------------------------------------
This brings the Jewel of the Desert's stats to:
HP FP SH EN ST LK GRIT
139 41 52 24 28 56 25
Captain's Log
I confess to still scarcely understand the motivations of humans, and even some other androids (Space Lizards seem straightforward enough).
The ship's computer calculated that we should join Mission 1, to defend Captain Pedge. This seems perfectly logical, to unite before the seemingly-impending ICUP invasion. Other captains are acting against all reason and logic - including androids - which places me in a difficult position.
You see, I have a huge crush on Brad Nebula (…as an android, I am inherently genderless). It would give me no greater pleasure than to meet (and... er... "meet") and defend him from Space Scum. Since acquiring the human Organ Replicator, I've been working on changing my outward appearance to simulated human female (Adélie is a type of penguin but also a fairly feminine name for a space captain, anyway). Unfortunately, the cat and the computer have been replicating massive quantities of organs, and some of the ink cartridges ran out - so the color is off. Hopefully Brad Nebula won't notice.
There is of course the rumor that Brad Nebula is being used by the ICUP to essentially round up outlaws (or to gather intelligence on them). I hope that with my newly-sexy appearance I will be able to seduce him (perhaps aboard the TARD-iss after a few drinks) to divulge any such plans.
In any case, though, I have decided not to back out on Mission 1, as that would leave less-powerful ships already signed up to Mission 1 to the space dogs, a potentially-worse outcome than just losing Captain Pedge.
Captain Pedge has taken the wise move of seeking proximity protection from the ICUP warship, but we aboard the Jewel do still suspect that the ICUP is using Tiny as a tool and it's actually the ICUP attempting to take out Pedge. That said, if Tiny does approach the ICUP warship (thinking himself immune), it's likely the ICUP will take him out themselves - not wanting to give away their subterfuge.
Since attempts to convince Tiny not to attack have failed, Mission 1 is now an intercept mission - we must reach Tiny well before he reaches Pedge at the ICUP warship.
3 Likes
Yeah, 8,000 for that thing is a ripoff. I wouldn’t wear it while shooting straight Pissscos in the foredeck porta-potty.
I have a hat that I didn’t pay 10 grand for. It’s a bar napkin folded into a bicorne, and I wrote LiZeRd LoZeR on it, just for you, Nixxxzsssy. Stop in before we get obliterated in the next round, and I’ll make you a baby duck. That’s a real baby duck floating in a concoction of rat blood, bird spit, fermented amniotic fluid and horse bilirubin. It comes in at around 18% alcohol, and is a steal at $7. For a lizard, these things rock! I wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot robotic dildo, personally, but I suspect you may feel differently.
If there were a way to take out BOTH the coalition and the rebs, and form our OWN outlaw nation, I’d gladly do it. I’m tired of flying on the government’s dime, and I don’t trust Mondo, Pete, Tiny and all the rest, either. Seems like a big setup.
BTW, this Tiny isn’t MY Tiny. My Tiny is hard at work rebuilding the pot still in the engine rooms, while overseeing the repairs. She doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of you. All she likes to do is make stuff that works.
1 Like
The new you issss quite becoming, Captain Adélie! I have no doubt that nebula-brained Nebula will fall for you like a ton of ssspace-bricks in a gasss-giant’s gravity well.
“Ohhh… like, wow! Didn’t I see you in that holomovie last year? You’re even hotter in, like, person!”
4 Likes
Chuck in a couple of ssslicesss of black pudding and headcheessse on the side, and I’ll take two.
I’ll take the hat, too. Doesss it bessstow more Grit?
Bar Bill ($14)
Wrong Leroy, but what the hell. It’s a good tune to lisssten to on the way to your death.
