Badass Space Dragon - Round 3 - Malted Mayhem



Today was a beast so I'm going to have to roll Wed & Thursday into a single outing. Results will go up right away but shopping & missions will be a bit later in the day or maybe tomorrow.

Due date will be 11pm PST on Thurs 9/26

Washouts have been eliminated from result reporting until they figure out how to tie their shoes and jump-start their spaceships. At the end of the week, I will assume that they have all died gritless deaths... Unlike the fine crew today. That was a hell of a way to go, I've never seen that much dynamite crammed onto a cargo deck. Who uses dynamite these days? That's what nostalgia earns you.


Re-categorize some topics plz?


A few floaters turned up today in the asteroid belt. The bodies were difficult to identify, they were in very small pieces and already beginning their steady journey toward distant stars. May they rest someday.

Flapjack Bill got jumped by a gang of thugs as he was passing between systems, Don Mondo is pleased but Flapper's gang will no doubt be seeking vengeance.

Wheeeeeat. Om nom nom.

-$3000, +2 SH | Deflecto Coating
-$500 | Mission Supplies
+$12,000, +1 GRIT | Wheat Delivered!

Slid by the inspectors with that contraband. Well done. Don Mondo will be pleased.

-$500 | Mission Supplies
-450, +$225 | Sand Fish, No Worms!
+$12,000, +1 GRIT | Wheat Delivered!

If you had cold engines, the blockade lasers warmed them right up.

-$250, +$375 | Sand Fish, No Worms!
-57 HP | Blockade Fodder
+$8000, +1 GRIT | Mission Accomplished
+1 GRIT | Intense Damage Bonus

Planet sized network of robotic killing machines? Nothing a well placed Ctrl-Z can't fix.

-$5200, +4 ST | Encryption Upgrade
-$2500 | Mission Supplies
+$20,000, +2 GRIT | Undo Robot Planet

Looks like that horseshoe was a ringer. No problems, no worms and a fat stack of wheat. I'm sure the Don will use it to grow his settlements.

-$2400, +24 HP | Hull Repairs
-$3000, +2 SH | Deflecto Coating
-$1000, +1 LK | Horseshoe
-$3400, +3 EN | Night Courses
-$750, +$1125 | Sand Fish, No Worms!
-$500 | Mission Supplies
-$35 | Big Gulp
+$12,000, +1 GRIT | Wheat Delivered!

Good job delivering that wheat! Heh heh.. Just kidding! Sorry about yesterday, I threw in a little gift from Scrapyard Pete.

-$3000, +2 SH | Deflecto Coating
-$3400, +3 EN | Night Courses
-$2500 | Mission Supplies
-$1100, +1210 | Algae. Yummy!
+$20,000, +2 GRIT | Planet Hacked.
+1 EN | Salvaged Gizmos from Pete.

Dracarys caught a missle in the snout. A little dinged up but a good ship always looks better that way.

-$2500, +5 MAX HP | Hull Density Adjustment
-$6500, +4 FP | High Power Laser Array
-$3000, +2 SH | Deflecto Coating
-$2000 | Mission Supplies
-55 HP | Flapjack Bill Battle Damage
+$8572, +1 GRIT | Flapjack Bill Eliminated
+1 SH | Flapjack Bill Salvage

No Action Today | -1 GRIT

Grey Mouser cruised away from the Flapjack affair with only a small bullet hole.

-$2800, +28 HP | Hull Repairs
-$1000, +1 LK | Horseshoe
-$5200, +4 ST | Encryption Upgrade
-$3400, +3 EN | Night Courses
-$2000 | Mission Supplies
-2 HP | Flapjack Bill Battle Damage
+$8571, +1 GRIT | Flapjack Bill Eliminated
+1 FP | Flapjack Bill Salvage

Wow. That was really unfortunate. Shields just work better from the outside.

It's hard to tell exactly what happened, but based on the debrees field, I'd guess the asteroids banged the ship up enough to destabilize the dynamite.

The asteroid miners were devestated to lose PingPing and Freddie. They will be missed.

-$6500, +4 FP | High Power Laser Array
-$3000, +2 SH | Deflecto Coating
-$200, +2 HP | Hull Repairs
-$200 | Mission Supplies
-29 HP | Asteroids
-57 HP | Dyn-o-mite!
+1 GRIT | Spectacular! What a way to go!


Whew! A few bumps but no explosions!

-$3000, +2 SH | Deflecto Coating
-$2000, +4 MAX HP | Hull Density Adjustment
-$5200, +4 ST | Encryption Upgrade
-$200 | Mission Supplies
-30 HP | Asteroids
+$10,000, +1 GRIT | Dynamite Delivered!

Flapjack Bill got a few shots off before your gang took him down. The Deity was grazed but managed to make some good salvages.

-$330 | Kind Donation to F.A.R.T.K.N.O.C.C.E.R.
-$3000, +30 HP | Hull Repairs
-$3400, +3 EN | Night Course
-$2000, +2 LK | Horseshoes
-$200, +$220 | Algae. Yum.
-$2000 | Mission Supplies
-11 HP | Flapjack Bill Battle Damage
+$8572, +1 GRIT | Flapjack Bill Eliminated
+2 SH, +1 ST | Flapjack Bill Salvage

No bumps, no booms.

-$200 | Mission Supplies
+$10,000, +1 GRIT | Dynamite Delivered!

Ironclad lived up to the name and came home without a dent. Well, no new dents at least.

-$1800, +18 HP | Hull Repairs
-$6500, +4 FP | High Power Laser Array
+1 GRIT | Bridge Animation
-1 ST | Taunting Flapjack Bill
-$2000 | Mission Supplies
+$8571, +1 GRIT | Flapjack Bill Eliminated
+2 ST | Flapjack Bill Salvage

You maxed out on repairs so I applied the rest to your Whiskey order. With all the bobbing and weaving, Flapjack couldn't get a fix on you. Well done, drunken master.

+1 GRIT | First to the Fight!
-$5200, +52 HP | Hull Repairs
-$2000, +2 LK | Horseshoes, Clippity Clop
-$1174, +1 GRIT, -1 ST | WHISKEY!
-500, +$750 | Sand Fish, No Worms!
-$2000 | Mission Supplies
+$8571, +1 GRIT | Flapjack Bill Eliminated
+2 LK | Flapjack Bill Salvage

The battle with Flapjack Bill resulted in some minor Algae spillage. The cat will be happy but you may want to disengage your aroma sensors.

-$3700, +37 HP | Hull Repairs
-$1000, +1 LK | Horseshoe
-$200, +$220, -$100 | Algae..Spillage.
-$200, +$300 | Sand Fish, No Worms!
-$2000 | Mission Supplies
-$3400, +3 EN | Night Courses
-$20 | Party funds
+1 GRIT | Life of the Party
-7 HP | Flapjack Bill Battle Damage
+$8571, +1 GRIT | Flapjack Bill Eliminated
+2 EN, +1 LK | Flapjack Bill Salvage

Glorious wheat! An uneventful trip, better scoot on over to the victory party!

-$5200, +4 ST | Encryption Upgrade
-$1000, +1 LK | Horseshoe
-$3000, +2 SH | Deflecto Coating
-$3400, +3 EN | Night Courses
+1 Grit | Captain Profile Picture
-$500 | Mission Supplies
-$150 | Bar Tab
-$100 | Gratuity to TARD-iss
+$12,000, +1 GRIT | Wheat Delivered!


I was really hoping we'd get to see some cybersquids. Majestic creatures. Beautiful plumage.

**-$6800, +6 EN** | Night Courses
**-$200, +2 HP** | Hull Repairs
**-$1000, +1 LK** | Horseshoe
**-$2500** | Mission Supplies
**-$50** | Back to School Supplies
**+$20,000, +2 GRIT** | Virus Transmitted. Mission Accomplished.

Odd bunch. Turns out they were all named Larry.

**-$10200, +9 EN** | Night Courses 3 Credits worth.
**-$2000, +2 LK** | Horseshoes, a pair.
**-$200, +2 HP** | Hull Repairs
**-$250** | I'll take it off your hands if it's burning a hole in your pocket.
**-$2500** | Mission Supplies
**-38 HP** | Cybersquid Attack
**+$20,000, +2 GRIT** | Malicious Code Injected

The wheat is through the blockade. I wonder if Don Mondo will trade it for sheep or bricks.

**-$1600, +16 HP** | Hull Repairs
**-$3000, +2 SH** | Deflecto Coating
**-$500, +1 MAX HP** | Hull Density Adjustment
**-$3400, +3 EN** | Night Courses
**+1 FP** | Don Mondo hopes you will enjoy this small token.
**+$12,000, +1 GRIT** | Wheat Delivered!
**+$110, -$100** | Algae.. Ugh.. what a smell!

Unfortunately, the miners don't want to pay for used dynomite. On the bright side, you didn't hit any asteroids and you've still got *most* of your crew.

**-$5200, +4 ST** | Encryption Upgrade
**-$3000, +2 SH** | Deflecto Coating
**-$200** | Mission Supplies
**-$10** | Generous Donation to B.O.I.N.G.B.O.I.N.G.
**+$1500, +1 GRIT** | Dynamite Delivered.. well.. a little.
**-57 HP** | Big BadaBooooooom!

The Wanderer took a missle in the gut before Flapjack Bill went down for the count. Time to limp off to the after party for a couple of screwdrivers.

**-$3600, +36 HP** | Hull Repairs
**-$5200, +4 ST** | Encryption Upgrade
**-$2000** | Mission Supplies
**+1 Grit** | Captain Profile and Matryoshka Platform Explanation.
**-59 HP** | Flapjack Bill Battle Damage
**+$8572** | Flapjack Bill Eliminated
**+2 FP, +1 EN** | Flapjack Bill Salvage

You didn't have enough money to upgrade and pay for your mission. Space lizards just aren't as good at budgeting as they are at brawling hijackers.

**+1 GRIT** | Captain Profile Picture
**-$300, +$330** | Algae.
**-$500** | Mission Supplies
**-24 HP** | Fighting off Hijackers!
**+$12,000, +1 GRIT** | Wheat Delivered!

Not a scratch!

**-$5000, +50 HP** | Repairs
**-$3400, +2 EN** | Night Courses for Captain Underpants
**-$1** | Cheap Drink
**-$500** | Mission Supplies
**+$12,000, +1 GRIT** | Wheat Delivered!
**+$100** | A gift from Captain Falkayn of the *Muddlin' Through*
**Booze** | A gift from Captain Falkayn of the *Muddlin' Through*

Wavy grains = gravy trains. No inspectors or asteroids.

**-$500** | Mission Supplies
**+$12,000, +1 GRIT** | Wheat Delivered!


Safe travelling, Hobar.

The crew of the Patty will be raising a glass or three of Ouisghian Zodahs in your honour tonight. Except Ensign Spiro, he's scrubbing out the cargo hold to get rid of that goddamn smell. I sure hope Pete has some Magic Trees for sale.


"Die Ratten verlassen das sinkende Schiff."

Lenar Belox calculatingly accepts Hobar's former rat population. All your rats are belong to us!!!



Congratulations to Ironclad Cochrane, The Iron Giant, Dracarys, Grey Mouser, I.M.V. Flatulent Deity, and Jewel of the Desert for the successful takedown of Bill. They showed intelligent cooperation and have the swag, their lives, and ferocious hang overs to show for it. But even more, they can now say they were in a fight with the Senescent Wanderer and lived to tell about. Few, damn few still alive, can say that.

Speaking of co-operation, I believe the Senescent Wanderer was not awarded her +1 Grit for the take down. She above all earned it.

For those contemplating further missions for Don Mondo, you may want to know that the coordinates for the attack I got from a friend were slightly different than what Don Mondo eventually released. Did El Esk mean to rush straight at Bill's forward armament, or did she not get my (encrypted) message?.

With El, one is never sure if she got the message.


Leader Board

"Competition is a focused distraction from the overwhelming complexities of the universe."

          ~ Hawk Granger, Space Ranger

Grit Leader - Captain Hogarth (Human) of the Iron Giant

Cash Leader - Captain Thrummel Carfax (Android) of the Cepheus Maiden

Ship Leader - Captain David Falkayn (Human) of the Muddlin' Through

"Always pack a sandwich."

          ~ Hawk Granger, Space Ranger


Thank you for the recognition. Given that the ship computer is a better poker player than I am, Chee Lan would certainly agree that "Muddlin" (or "Mudhead" as she prefers to call our near-sentient ship computer) is the real captain of the Muddlin' Through.

But professional pride compels me to point out that, at least formally, David Falkayn is the skipper of that boat.

Thank you.


Accounts are varied but the majority of reports have portrayed the Wanderer as blundering into a missile. A welcome distraction in the battle but not a particularly deft move. If the other ships are willing to clarify the situation, I'm sure the fates may be moved. Please remember, there are 6 points going to 7 captains. One will go without.

"GRIT is a quality, not a quantity."

          ~ Hawk Granger, Space Ranger


True and noted!


Requiescat in pace, Hobart.

You died in the highest calling for a trader: serving your customers. You deserved better.


Taurean Mule here - mission 3, store 5 barrels of algae.


Click image to animate and embiggen.

In the hours previous to the assault on Flapjack Bill's ship, Ironclad Cochrane's CTO (Chief Tactical Officer) revealed that we've been tracking all friendly (and neutral) ships in the sector to minimize risk of traition or ambushes, and to act as support during post-battle efforts to recover sentient entity remains, or live floaters.(a)

It would be no problem for us to continue tracking washouts until they drop to 0 GRIT, later we can report them as "lost in action".

Our data sheets can be accessed by friendly ships:
Here you can access our Ship Tracking Database.
Here you can access our Store Assets Database.
Here you can access our Mission Ad Database.

(a) We've found no signals of either PingPing nor Freddie. During the battle we focused our tracking efforts in the vicinity, as we assumed that the potential for live floaters was higher there.


Gotta wait for this round missions. They havent been declared yet wink


Archive Ministry Record: 7924XD23-R
Ship: Grey Mouser
Captain: Lord Fritz

All hail the Supreme Intelligence. Operation Remora was a complete success. We calculated that there was enough bloodlust in the galaxy, that even though our ship is on the lower spectrum of shields and firepower, there would be enough of a combined force to destroy the tragically named Flapjack Bill. We let the bigger, more powerful ships charge in to the fray, while we did a flanking maneuver, using a fortuitous placed moon for cover. We were able to do extensive damage with only a mere graze hitting us in return fire. While I, Lord Fritz, take credit for the brilliant decision to partake in this mission, I have commended the Weapons Officer on his accuracy, and the Tactical Officer for the flanking maneuver.

The only down side was there were 1 or 2 too many ships, making the payout less than if we had transported Space Wheat. But really, we are the most advanced artificial life forms in the galaxy, we don't do mundane tasks that involve shuffling grain around. We were also very eager to augment our ship with possible salvage. Unfortunately we were a little over zealous in our attack, leaving little left that was recognizable, not to mention salvageable.. We did manage to find some boosted laser banks that increased our firepower. Better than nothing. And it was nice to socialize with the other inferior species. We did a massive porn swap after the battle.

In more general news, it appears our replicators need adjusting. I detect an unusual amount of Kopi Luwak feces in my nanocoffee. A positive note, morale is high today. Marvin didn't even attempt suicide.

Our next set of missions has not been issued to us, so I will leave this report open to edit later. Ensign Segal, the cook, will be in charge of selecting the next mission.

Mission Update and Upgrades listed below.


Mundane task? You should check your logic circuits, android. A seven way split was always going to be a poor deal, and dishonourable, too - not that that means anything to your kind.


[fleetwide transmission begins]

Exthcuthe me. I underthtand it ithn’t really my plathe to comment here in the Captainth’ Forum, theeing ath how I’m a lowly thecond lieutenant who hath yet to earn hith Cloacal Thong of Command typical to flag offitherth in my home planet’th navieth, but nonetheleth I feel compelled, ath the highetht-ranking thtill-consciouth duty offither on board It’th Majethty’s Vethel Flatulent Deity thinthe the triumphant thortie againtht Flapjack Bill, to attempt to rethtore the honor of my thip by dithclothing a thmall, hitherto unnotithed bit of intelligenthe about the damage wrought upon the thtalwart thip Thenethent Wanderer. I have no doubt, and hathten to emphathize, that my honorable Captain Thththkipper would, were he only thlightly recovered from hith current alcoholic thtupor (induthed by the unexthpectedly high quality of the Venuthian Malt tho thoughtfully thupplied by the TARD-Ith… Cap’n Thththkipper hath a well-known weakneth for even the cheap thtuff, which this cathe motht thertainly wath not) that the mithile thtrike againtht the Wanderer’s nothe wath in fact not, ath thome have previouthly athumed, the rethult of exthellent markthmanship on the part of Flapjack Bill’th gunnery crew, nor lackluthter evathive thtrategieth employed by the Wanderer’s illuthtriouth captain/avatar/alter ego El Ethk. No indeed.

To be frank… oh! Thththkipper! You’re awake! I wath jutht attempting to thet the record thtraight about the Wanderer

Ssssshut your orificessss, Gilligan, and get back to the conn. (Ow, my throbbing Loreal pitsss! I’m gonna have to lie down again ssssoon.) Anyway, gentlebeings, the young lieutenant has the right of it. I cheaped out a bit on my hull repairssss yesssterday, only bringing hull integrity to 95% before sssetting out on our assault against Flapjack Bill’s Kill Machine. I cannot blame Sssscrapyard Pete for this oversssight, only my own parsimony. The end result was that, as the Wanderer approached on what my ssssensors calculated to be a flawless attack vector toward Bill’s relatively lightly defended sssstarboard flank, the Kill Machine’s gunners launched their fateful payload directly at the Flatulent Deity’s forecastle. Ssssilent chaos reigned on our ship’s bridge, sssince our Engineering and Ssstealth ratings, while nothing to bring shame upon our familial housessss, looked nonethelessss to be insssufficient to maneuver us clear of yon closing misssssile.

And then, oh then, the Luck of the Deity manifessssted itself in the most embarrassssssing way. A ssubsssstandard weld, predating Ssscrapyard Pete’s work and heretofore unnoticed due to my cheaping out on Pete’s inssspection, gave way around our port ssssulfur atmossspheric tanks. And so it was, as the noxiousss (to the humans among you) and corrosive (to most android models among you) cloud of life-giving brimsssstone gas explossssively emitted from the Flatulent Deity, our ship jolted to starboard while the yellowish-brown emisssssion shoved the missssile ever sso ssslightly to our port… and directly into the prow of the Sssssenescent Wanderer.

Yes! It’ssss true. Bill’s missile was meant for us, for the humiliatingly aptly-named Flatulent Deity, and we farted it directly into El Esk’s face. Oh, the dissshonor. I only thank the Firsssst Egg-layer that my dear friend Freddie on the Hobar wasn't around to witnessss my shame, having lossst his payload mere ssseconds before. I miss that old reprobate, and drank myssself into a vomiting ssstupor in his memory upon learning of his fate this morning. May his glowing ashes fall onto a friendlier world.

Be the godsss jussst, they would award our ship's newessst point of Grit to the Wanderer. El Esk and crew earned it.

The Deity did not.

Now pardon me. My cloaca urgently needsss purging before I embarrassss myself further—BLEEAARRRGGHHH!!

[transmission ends…just a few seconds late]


Mood: Battered

Eleanor has always had binary luck - polarising luck; the very worst, and the very best. I think she has the dubious honor of being on the only ship to collide with a Majidae during the Oort-war. Admittedly, that was a skulker - I mean, a real black body, stealthed Majid autonomous class skulker - you'd have been blind to it if you were standing on it...

...and, admittedly, Sam was captaining the ship in question - a little banksia class corvette, out on a routine monster-hunt.

Now I'm getting all reflective, and reflexive, and I'm recalling that there's not many that know the old House histories.

...Nevertheless, I'm feeling that El-Esk was a bit gung-ho in that last encounter. And while she might not need company, or the notional presence of a kind of esprit de corps, I'm suddenly reminded of what it means to be part of something bigger. Even if it's just a gang of borderline sociopathic AIs and sluggish reptiles.

Hey. Some of the best decisions in my (semi-artifical) life were made in worse company.


We had no way of knowing how many ships would be involved. We did calculate that the maximum number would be around 7, as the rewards would diminish with too many people involved.

Besides the reward, we were intrigued at the prospect of salvage. Also our Weapons Officer's bloodlust was satiated for the time being. And really, can you put a price on a happy crew?

Finally, we did it for the adventure and recognition. No one is going to know or care about a Space Wheat delivery. They will be talking about this battle for awhile. What is the point of living if no one knows you are there?

Ah - honor. A quaint and old fashioned philosophy. For the record, we also do not churn butter, operate vehicles with manual transmissions, or use SpaceMySpace.


Well. As an old captain I flew with used to say "Easy in, easy out" I wonder what happened to him? I was never really keen on his hiring process. That's why I left the ship. Dying in a knife fight never really appealed to me.

Well done to the Assassin crews. Although it's got me to wondering. When will Don Mondo decide one of us needs a 'Trip to Belize'.

Also my maths says -edit- $13125 -edit- because of the Fish.