And now they Dig Doug
This sounds like a job for Perd Hapley:
āā¦and the story behind this obituary, is that it tells you when people have died.ā
But first, Doug LIVED.
wait, iām confused.
Whatās the problem? Doug died. Doug dead as dodo. Dāoh!
The obit I published for my mom was only a few words longer than Dougās (per her request!).
Some people just donāt want any hoopla, you know?
Simply put:
'Eās passed on! This Doug
is no more! He has ceased to be! 'Eās expired and gone to meet 'is
maker! 'Eās a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you
hadnāt nailed 'im to the sofa 'eād be pushing up the daisies! 'Is
metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'Eās off the twig! 'Eās kicked
the bucket, 'eās shuffled off āis mortal coil, run down the curtain
and joined the bleedinā choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-DOUG!!
If at all possible, Iām going to have my obituary (or possibly my tombstone) read like my NetHack end-of-game info.
Goodbye semiotix the human touristā¦
You died on level 6 of Shady Pines Rest Home.
You were a vegetarian.
You were an atheist.
You were unlucky.
You never hit with a wielded weapon.
You are dead.
Thereās supposed to be a second line: āBoat for sale.ā
(An old Ole & Lena punchline.)
Thatās not even close to this obituary
This vun?
Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice. The clerk asks her, āWhat do you want it to say?ā āOle died.ā The clerk looks up. āWhat else?ā āNothing else.ā āBut Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Donāt you want to say anything else about him?ā āNope.ā The clerk thinks a minute. āYou know, Lena, it wonāt cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price.ā āTen vords, and it vonāt cost extra?ā she asks. The clerk nods. Lena thinks hard, then says, āOle died. Boat for sale.ā
Oh, yah. Dat.
Sure, you betcha!
This has got to be Ron Swansonās obituary, right?
Well, if they charge $5 for a classified, and the obit is freeā¦
Well, you see, a pimpās love is very different from that of a square.
Hail and farewell Doug, but with all due respect the best obituary is one I learned about in a journalism class. After being told five times to cut an obit a cub reporter finally wrote, āWalter Johnson looked into the elevator shaft to see if the elevator was coming. It was. He was forty-seven.ā
Admittedly that one may not be real, in which case Doug wins.
Then thereās the issue of what you call the obituary page. My local newspaper used to call it Death Notices. Theyāve retitled the section Life Tributes. Canāt you hear George Carlin saying that in his most sarcastic voice?
This topic was automatically closed after 5 days. New replies are no longer allowed.
