Best obituary

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And now they Dig Doug

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This sounds like a job for Perd Hapley:
ā€œā€¦and the story behind this obituary, is that it tells you when people have died.ā€

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But first, Doug LIVED.

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wait, iā€™m confused.

Whatā€™s the problem? Doug died. Doug dead as dodo. Dā€™oh!

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The obit I published for my mom was only a few words longer than Dougā€™s (per her request!).
Some people just donā€™t want any hoopla, you know?

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Simply put:

'Eā€™s passed on! This Doug
is no more! He has ceased to be! 'Eā€™s expired and gone to meet 'is
maker! 'Eā€™s a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you
hadnā€™t nailed 'im to the sofa 'eā€™d be pushing up the daisies! 'Is
metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'Eā€™s off the twig! 'Eā€™s kicked
the bucket, 'eā€™s shuffled off ā€˜is mortal coil, run down the curtain
and joined the bleedinā€™ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-DOUG!!

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If at all possible, Iā€™m going to have my obituary (or possibly my tombstone) read like my NetHack end-of-game info.

Goodbye semiotix the human touristā€¦
You died on level 6 of Shady Pines Rest Home.

You were a vegetarian.
You were an atheist.
You were unlucky.
You never hit with a wielded weapon.
You are dead.

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Thereā€™s supposed to be a second line: ā€œBoat for sale.ā€

(An old Ole & Lena punchline.)

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Thatā€™s not even close to this obituary

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This vun?

Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice. The clerk asks her, ā€œWhat do you want it to say?ā€ ā€œOle died.ā€ The clerk looks up. ā€œWhat else?ā€ ā€œNothing else.ā€ ā€œBut Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Donā€™t you want to say anything else about him?ā€ ā€œNope.ā€ The clerk thinks a minute. ā€œYou know, Lena, it wonā€™t cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price.ā€ ā€œTen vords, and it vonā€™t cost extra?ā€ she asks. The clerk nods. Lena thinks hard, then says, ā€œOle died. Boat for sale.ā€
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Oh, yah. Dat.

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Sure, you betcha!

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This has got to be Ron Swansonā€™s obituary, right?

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Well, if they charge $5 for a classified, and the obit is freeā€¦

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Well, you see, a pimpā€™s love is very different from that of a square.

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Hail and farewell Doug, but with all due respect the best obituary is one I learned about in a journalism class. After being told five times to cut an obit a cub reporter finally wrote, ā€œWalter Johnson looked into the elevator shaft to see if the elevator was coming. It was. He was forty-seven.ā€

Admittedly that one may not be real, in which case Doug wins.

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Then thereā€™s the issue of what you call the obituary page. My local newspaper used to call it Death Notices. Theyā€™ve retitled the section Life Tributes. Canā€™t you hear George Carlin saying that in his most sarcastic voice?

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