Best obituary


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And now they Dig Doug


This sounds like a job for Perd Hapley:
“…and the story behind this obituary, is that it tells you when people have died.”


But first, Doug LIVED.


wait, i’m confused.


What’s the problem? Doug died. Doug dead as dodo. D’oh!


The obit I published for my mom was only a few words longer than Doug’s (per her request!).
Some people just don’t want any hoopla, you know?


Simply put:

'E’s passed on! This Doug
is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E’s expired and gone to meet 'is
maker! 'E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you
hadn’t nailed 'im to the sofa 'e’d be pushing up the daisies! 'Is
metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E’s off the twig! 'E’s kicked
the bucket, 'e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain
and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-DOUG!!


If at all possible, I’m going to have my obituary (or possibly my tombstone) read like my NetHack end-of-game info.

Goodbye semiotix the human tourist…
You died on level 6 of Shady Pines Rest Home.

You were a vegetarian.
You were an atheist.
You were unlucky.
You never hit with a wielded weapon.
You are dead.


There’s supposed to be a second line: “Boat for sale.”

(An old Ole & Lena punchline.)


That’s not even close to this obituary


This vun?

Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice. The clerk asks her, “What do you want it to say?” “Ole died.” The clerk looks up. “What else?” “Nothing else.” “But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don’t you want to say anything else about him?” “Nope.” The clerk thinks a minute. “You know, Lena, it won’t cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price.” “Ten vords, and it von’t cost extra?” she asks. The clerk nods. Lena thinks hard, then says, “Ole died. Boat for sale.”


Oh, yah. Dat.


Sure, you betcha!


This has got to be Ron Swanson’s obituary, right?


Well, if they charge $5 for a classified, and the obit is free…


Well, you see, a pimp’s love is very different from that of a square.


Hail and farewell Doug, but with all due respect the best obituary is one I learned about in a journalism class. After being told five times to cut an obit a cub reporter finally wrote, “Walter Johnson looked into the elevator shaft to see if the elevator was coming. It was. He was forty-seven.”

Admittedly that one may not be real, in which case Doug wins.


Then there’s the issue of what you call the obituary page. My local newspaper used to call it Death Notices. They’ve retitled the section Life Tributes. Can’t you hear George Carlin saying that in his most sarcastic voice?


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