Build instructions for Starbucks' new Crystal Ball Frappuccino

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“Mr. Peabody, what’s a recipe?”

“A recipe is an antiquated term for build instructions of food and drink.”

“Why was such a concise term replaced with one so clunky?”

“Well, you see, millennials were obsessed with branding unnecessary new words to demonstrate their hip wokeness.”

“I see what you did there. But what led them to such vapidity?”

“Their parents, Generation X, were consumed in a bonfire of buzzwords to demonstrate their industry savvy in a world of seemingly accelerating market transformation where fears of not getting it tapped financial insecurity and shame over not being 1337.”



“Well why didn’t you say 'leet?”

“Because this skit is written, Sherman.”

“Has etymology always been driven by cultural neuroses?”

“Not always. Sometimes it’s driven by bad spelling and grammar.”

“Is there any silver lining?”

“One. Starbucks frappuccinos are now heritage build instructions passed down for generations. Since the Franchise Wars left us only Taco Bell for dinning out, it’s all we have left to avoid the runs.”

“Dog help us.”

This snarky skit offered as friendly curmudgeonry and not serious criticism of anyone or culture. I was in fact amused by the joke implied by the headline.


A disgusting fat bomb.

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I have questions.

  1. Is this knowledge meant to be secret?

  2. Is this beverage something people actually want to make at home? (and do such people actually have pumps of “Frappuccino Crème Base” available to them?)

  3. Why is it called a “Crystal Ball” Frappuccino?

  4. Have people been excitedly anticipating this drink’s arrival at Starbucks? And, if so, why?

  5. I can’t tell whether posting this recipe is a de facto advertisement for Starbucks, or it’s actually a genuine attempt to undermine the Moby Dick-themed cafe-chain corporate monstrosity—which is it?

Any answers would be appreciated!


What is “creme?” Isn’t that the stuff inside an Oreo? Or is it a catch-all term for imitation cream?

@ugh Starbucks can’t let the public know, because it would trigger mass panic. I hear they’ve hired Blackwater to hunt down and punish the leaker, if they survive the rioting.


Does this monstrosity have anything to do with coffee*?

  • In so much that anything from Starbucks has anything to do with coffee.



Small coffee amounts
for much amounts of money
to suckers 'round teh globe.

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So what?

Plus a few more characters to take the count over 9.

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I don’t drink coffee. Forced to be in a Starbucks one chilly morning, a chai tea sounded great and placed my order with anticipation of warm soulful deliciousness prepared by a loving Indian grandmother and her familie’s secret recipe. Instead, the “barista” spins around, gave a few sharp whacks on a pump, did something with machines, and then I’m handed what I’m assuming is nothing more than a chai tea flavored cola.

But really, it was my fault, I should have known better.

Starbucks - an empire built on the backs of people who don’t like coffee



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Gen X, born 1963 to 1979, are not the primary parents of Millenials, born 1980 to 1999. Not unless we’re expecting teen births to be the norm, not the exception. The median age for first birth in 1980 was 23 years (so mid to late Boomer), and increased through the 80s and 90s. It was 25 in 2000 (when the late Xers started having the post-Millenials, who do not yet have a generation name anyone is willing to admit). Further, since Gen X is the numerically smallest generation, and has been delaying parenthood since the first came of age in 1983, and has not even replaced themselves (median 1.7 children per woman), so there is no possible way that Gen X could produce the largest generation in history.

Not our circus, not our monkeys. Happy to join the Millenials in the battle against the Me generation, but we can’t claim them as our progeny.


There’s no coffee in this.

There’s no food in this either, but there’s no coffee. It is wrong and an abomination.

On the one hand, generations don’t really exist. They’re an arbitrary marketing gimmick to pander to people the marketers apparently think are dumb enough to swallow it.

On the other hand, they’re apparently not even a well planned marketing gimmick since the only actual generations exist within direct lineages and refer to the sequential progeny, so if they’re going to pretend generations can be larger (which they cannot), the least they could do is space them correctly. I’ll take your word that they didn’t.

On the gripping hand, they can be useful in a joke about marketing, especially being a joke of marketing.

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And not just marketing - bad social science.

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