I think talking about things is really important, whatever level you are on the scale. I’ve seen plenty of couples split up when they don’t have these issues, and it’s not because one of them is a bad person either. Sometimes people overestimate their ability to read the other person and they make too many assumptions.
While I’m not denying that they exist, one of the things I find odd is how many people online are willing to diagnose their ex partners as narcissistic and sociopathic. This seems to be the case in the US more than elsewhere. There’s also often a tendency to frame breakups in terms of an abuser and victim rather than differences of life goals, breakdown in communication, unfulfilled expectations or some other incompatibility. It’s more than an armchair diagnosis, it almost becomes a grand narrative. Certain people are programmed to be opposed to equal relationships and they will try to destroy you.
As I’ve said, I tend to be quite trusting of people on the whole. I’m not that way with systems. I think people have the ability to show a lot of co-operation, but then you get places like South Sudan where soldiers were partially paid by offering them women to rape, or places where it’s assumed that beating your wife or treating her as completely unimportant is normal. I think many aspects of modern western society show sociopathic tendencies too. Money is way too important, success is often seen as a zero sum game, there is insufficient willingness to see our neighbour’s needs as valid or something that we should concern ourselves about. Inequality and job and financial insecurity are not good for a society’s cohesion. It’s not surprising given this game that some will play to win, and the winners will not be nice people.
In relationships, I think there are a number of things that support this kind of zero sum game too. Gender roles and overly prescriptive relationship models can restrict us, and our working lives can interfere with the ability to give enough time to partners and families and there are advantages to deceiving partners rather than cooperating with them. Men are expected to work excessive hours as a matter of course, and women are expected to take on too much of the responsibilities at home (as well as working). There is often insufficient support from outside. Unlike other places, breakups can end up with the woman taking the kids and the man taking the bill. Then the “typically narcissistic” man doesn’t pay the bill. What a jerk.
Here’s the thing though: I have already promised my wife that if we ever do split up and she gets 100% custody without a good reason, I will do the same thing. It is irrelevant whether I am the main childcarer or the main breadwinner in my consideration. I will probably become bitter for some time, but I won’t stalk her or anything like that - my family just won’t see me again. The thing is, my work (whether for money or directly for the family) is an act of love. I’m willing to do it because I care about my family, even if I’m not present with them at the time. It could be that when I come home from a job with a lot of social interaction, the last thing I want to do is talk with my family and spend time with them. It could be that my family doesn’t recognise this as an act of love because they express love in different ways, but that doesn’t change that fact. If we split up and I’m expected to put in the same amount of work (or more, because I’d need to pay for my own apartment etc., I will react in a similar way to a newly divorced wife who was asked to do her responsibility and come around a few times a week to cook, clean and have sex with her ex-husband. It makes a lot of difference why you’re doing something. In this scenario, the state and my wife have acted in a sociopathic way toward me, and I will cut them off (probably by moving country). This is not a threat, just a heads up.
(This is something I’ve only been able to articulate recently, and I’m not guaranteeing that my opinion won’t change. It’s good to have opinions down in writing so you can acknowledge them, critically evaluate them, and discard or change them if necessary).
So given this fact, it’s important to establish a relationship on a more equal footing. Firstly, I refuse to go to an office and work full time. This would be a very stupid move for me in this game, but it also means that I don’t have the energy to spend time with the family when I get back. My wife has to work and earn a similar salary to me, if she is able to, while I have to do at least as much work in the house and with the kids. We need to live in a country and at a level that allows us to have reasonable working hours without starving. If we do split up, there has to be willingness to start from an assumption of 50% custody and allowance for either partner to make adjustments to allow that (since most relationships involve some division of responsibilities). While courts look at the best interests of the child, I don’t always trust their judgement and I will take my own interests into account if it comes to a separation. With this in mind, she can leave me whenever she wants to.
(Our marriage is not on the rocks, I just have no filter and we discuss a lot of stuff together. Generally this has actually been much better for our relationship than other times when we didn’t as much).
