How to turn your Apple Watch into a source of constant terror and dread

Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2019/06/10/how-to-turn-your-apple-watch-i.html

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That’s a curious form of self-torture.

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This article is a form of torture, I was sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the cliff-hanger moment, “And then the…”

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Sartre was wrong. Hell is notifications.

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“Look at the design and compactness of that portable Skinner Box!”/ Apple fanboi

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I really think I’m on to something.

Let us know when you cash the check.

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I too have my bank alerts set to send me a text notification every time any money at all enters or leaves my account.

But also, sometimes I put my phone the fuck away.

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I don’t own an Apple Watch, but I have terror and dread that, inevitably, someone sitting around me at a movie theater will forget to turn their Apple Watch off, and it’ll glow distractingly throughout the whole film. Every. Time.

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It’s the American way…

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I have never seen the unedited part of that movie, oh god, old eddy murphy is still classic

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Turn on, tune in and watch out.

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Yep. My fitbit is the most stressful game of tomagotchi ever.

The feeding is the easy part. After that it gets more complicated. And I always am keeping in mind this one can’t reset.

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Needs more dread: Trump’s tweets.

Watching Star Trek Discovery is a chord of twinges and dread. They use the same sound effect files as in the game Star Fleet Command, which I added to my SFX library ages ago and purposed for other things. In a tense moment in the show, I get sensations of “My web server is down!”, “I’ve lost Internet!”, “You’ve got mail!”

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My insulin pump is my psychotic clingy boyfriend:
Ooo you’re too high!
You’re too low!
I need a calibration!
You’re low on insulin!
I’m kicking you out of auto mode!
Wait don’t leave me, where did you go??? Come back! I didn’t mean it.

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Your post should go to a hall of fame. Also, it should be adopted into online reviews for every brand of smartwatch and other connected devices.

Thank you for giving me a dealing of amusing hopelessness in our post-postmodern world.

THATS NO ][E

Is there really no Apple ][ emulator for the Apple Watch? Pity. There was one for the Fossil Wrist, one of the first “smart watches”

https://www.apl2bits.net/2013/01/14/wristwatch-emulation/

You had me at “You know, all that shit.”

You can always upgrade to this:

I’ll add Apple Watch notifications to the next version of Turn The Tweet.

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I particularly enjoy the notification from the bank that they covered an unexpected withdrawal of $8.99 against my empty checking account the day before payday, and then charged me $28 for the service.

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According to my Apple Watch, I’m extremely lazy and I have to be reminded constantly to breath. Also, standing for 12 hours isn’t enough, and neither is walking for 4 miles.

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