Impudence 0.1

Your characters are on the USS Impetuous. It uses a Schroedinger Engine (the crew looks outside from time to time and asks “are we there yet?”; it’s theoretically faster than FTL Drive but it feels like it takes forever).

Your character can be assumed to have everything appropriate to the genre so don’t ask if your stowaway has a towel or if your Killbot has a circular saw and death lasers. Everything from the Galactic United Earth Explorers (pronounced Gooey) is McGuffin™ brand.

The captain is taking a nap. The first officer and all the senior staff are playing bingo. You can’t disturb them because That Would Be Bad.

The ship is getting hot. You should probably do something about that.

Note: I tried to make it shorter. This is the shorter. New players can join at any time. Anyone not currently playing is considered “napping.” Play will start once a few people have joined. Play will end in about a week.


Hi. I’ll be your Facilitator. The game of Impudence is designed to be a rules-light, forum playable, comedy RPG. The cornerstone of Impudence is the idea that letting your character do whatever you want—as long as the dice favor you—is more important (or funnier anyway) than sticking to a set plot.

Character Creation

Declare your character’s name and anything else you like. Your Facilitator will roll to generate your rank, species, and family history.


You get one die per factor your Facilitator deems relevant.

The score calculation is: add up the total number of points rolled and divide by the total number of die rolled. Round down. Example: R1=2, R2=3; 2+3=5; 5/2=2.5; 2.5 rounded down = 2.

Anything higher than 3 is a success.

Action Points

Action Points are awarded by the Facilitator after you do or try something hilarious. If you choose to spend an Action Point, it will be added after the roll average is calculated.

Your facilitator may award AP as early as your Character Creation if something you chose, when combined with the roll for generation, was hilarious.

###Rolls for BBS###
In the interests of preventing a bunch of overhead or external sign ups for something new, you will state your three choices (from Alpha, Beta, Charlie, Delta, and Foxtrot) and your Facilitator will tell you what the scores were (and calculate success/failure).

##Order of Play##
First post, first played. Turns take however long they take.

Roleplay the results of your last roll, ask the Computer or colleagues any questions you have, and (if you have an action you’d like to play) declare which three die (Alpha, Beta, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot) you’d like to play.

##Other Notes##

Use [spoiler] tags for Out Of Character conversations.

[spoiler]this[/spoiler] makes this



Character: Bill Billingsly
Species: Killbot
Family History: Alaska


Bill will clean the anti-anti grav chamber. Delta, Echo, Foxtrot (Spend one AP).


One die for Alaska, one die for Killbot. 1 + 6 = 7 / 2 = 3 (round) + 1 AP = 4. It’s not pretty but Bill cleaned that chamber.


Bill hates cleaning the anti-anti grav chamber. If not for humans and their failure to cope with anti-grav, the damn thing wouldn’t need cleaning at all. He curses in binary the whole way through the operation. And then declares it “good enough.”

“‘Kill all humans? Killed much dirt.’ Mombot would be thrilled.”

Bill will kill one human. Alpha, Beta, Echo.


No other Player characters in area to contest. One die for Killbot being Killbot. 5. Bill killed the nearest human. 1 AP awarded for a total of 2 in the bank.


Bill warmed up his kill lasers and fired at a nearby …


Name: Dionysus (Diny) Alloon
Back story: While in training, Diny got into a rivalry with a programmer who could really hold a grudge (who would think that turning off the gravity during a lavatory break could make someone so upset?). The rivalry led to a prank war, which escalated to the point where the programmer hacked into the GUEE fleet’s default operating system, and coded a special module into the environmental matrix, in an area normally used to ensure that non-human species are comfortable navigating the ship.
Realizing he’d gone too far, the programmer deleted the module, but not before it was committed to the latest deployment of the OS build.
If any GUEE ship that Diny is on detects that he is alone in a corridor, some part of the environment will randomly change in a manner hostile to him: gravity will become stronger, weaker, or reverse itself, the floor will become magnetic, the atmospheric composition will change, etc…
Diny has noticed the pattern, and tries frantically to never be alone in the corridors, but things always seem to work out that he can’t.
Everyone else thinks that Diny’s just paranoid, and the chief engineer refuses to check the ship’s logs and prove otherwise, due to an incident involving the teleporter and the engineer’s cat Sandy-Klaus.


Personnel file, supplemental.

Name: Dionysus Alloon
Rank: Stowaway Civilian Specialist
Species: Alien Killjoy
Family History: Child of well-adjusted, very annoying members of your species.

AP: 1 (Awarded for hilarity)

:laughing: Well-played.


Name: Myron Kickdrifter

Back story: “USS Impetuous? Who wouldn’t want to be on the USS Impetuous?” Myron had volunteered to be imbedded as Head Media PR for the Internal Space Marine magazine Lasers and Chevrons. He is now having second thoughts.

He is able-bodied, a bit naive, gauky, and inquisitve. Most of the crew has sent him on missions to inspect lower steerage and count inventory. He blogs daily about how great the Impetuous is.

Two things are going against him:

  1. He is in way over his head.
  2. Spoiler: He is a sleeper agent for an alien race. His corpse lies lightyears away in a shipping container of plastic pellets. He has all of the memories of Myron and no knowlege that he is a duplicate, but at the right time, with the right signal, bad things will happen.

Currently, he is playing Irate Cephalopods on his McGuffin ThoughtPad.


Personnel file, supplemental.

Name: Myron Kickdrifter
Rank: Lieutenant
Species: Killbot
Family History: Grew up on a colony of androids.

AP: 1

McGuffin™ ThoughtPad® omg. I’m so adding that to the Facilitator Manual for the Space scenario. :laughing:

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Myron has finished his game. (Level 15, 2 and 1/2 stars, not his greatest score.)
He was scheduled for an interview with the first officer but turned up at the beginning of
the weekly Bingo marathon (18 cards, complete black-out.)

Myron sees Dionysus Alloon.

“Hey, you’re that guy… the guy who vaped Sandy-Klaus! (Ooh tough break.) Probably didn’t mean to say that. Anyway, I’m Myron Kickdrifter with Lasers and Chevrons. I am surprised I haven’t talked to you sooner considering what happened and all. Maybe we can have a talk over cafe-broth. You could be my first interview!”

Myron presses his finger to his temple and says, “CLICK!”

“That should be a good one. Say, is it stuffy in here?”

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Name: Maxwell “Wayne” Kerensky

Back Story:
Nicknamed by an unfortunate copy/paste error, Wayne works for a sub-contractor of a sub-contractor of a sub-contractor of the hypercorp that built the CO2 scrubbers on the USS Impetuous. He was assigned to this post with a primary directive of ensuring the correct levels of foam packing materials are maintained in the hypercorp’s spare parts pods at all times. Since the spare parts pods are sealed units, it’s a pretty cruisy gig.

edited to fix naming issue


Name: Otto
Back Story: Otto was drafted as the ships Barber. While he graduated from the McGuffin™ Barber Corespondence school for organic and robotic dentistry.
History:His grades just weren’t good enough to land a commission on the prestigious USS Thin Mint, as his father had done before him. With his lifelong plans thwarted, he drifted idly for a time before stumbling drunk (on Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster’s after spending his last Star Bucks at Trillions Pan-Dimensional Roulette Bar & Tofu Steak House) into a McGuffin™ Gooey Drafting of The Poor station, and with no Star Bucks to his name, he joined the service. His “experience” from the Barber School of Organic & Robotic Dentistry was mistyped as “Barbershop Experience”, and he now finds himself woefully unequipped for this assignment… Yet plans to usurp the ships dentist and assume his rightful role.

Action: Otto sends an email to “all hands” suggesting everyone schedule a haicut in order to feel better about all this heat. Nothing beats the heat like a nice new haircut! Haircuts by appointment only. Cranium grinding for robots are also available.


Character Name: Chancre Theraphosworth Ballerino IV
"Shank" is that guy who (depending on rank) is either leaning on that mop handle for about eight times as long as he’s actually wielding it in deck-scrubbing maneuvers, or (if he ever happened to make flag officer rank by hook, crook, or cooking the right book) angling to arrange lucrative defense contracts for deep-pocketed cronies who don’t insist he put in all that much physical effort in the process. He’s lazy, crooked, shiftless, and above all lazy. And yet here he is, cozily tucked into his own bunk on the Impetuous, with no current demerits on his scorecard, and with what appears to be some remarkably high regard from the XO. Not a soul suspects anything might be amiss, and though a mere four hours ago it looked like things might be going south for ol’ Shank, the reaction-time was one of his swiftest, the cleanup was prompt, the outcry quickly muffled, and the consequences so far completely absent. And now, time for some well-earned shuteye. Yep, smooth sailing for what remains of this voyage, since there’s no chance that the unfortunate byproduct of yesternight’s disappointing misadventure could ever come back to haunt…

…and one eye pops open. Goddamn. It’s not the GUEE-issue McGuffin StarWool blanket he kicked off his rack three minutes ago. It really is getting toasty in the berthing. And that means…

Aw, nuts. He coulda sworn the remaining chunks were small enough to circulate long enough to dissolve safely without clogging the coolant vents. Now somebody’s gonna notice something ain’t right, and just when ol’ Shank had just copped two or three of his precious forty winks…


Ack! I didn’t think we’d started yet.

Diny entered the corridor outside the Bingo Hall, shivering. He’d had a nice walk-and-talk session with Ensign Troisbatons part of the way here, but, as soon as he was alone, the corridor had turned icy cold, and the rush of hot air from around the Hall was like the hundred strong fingers of a Tarkalian masseuse over his whole body.

It took Diny a moment to realize that someone was talking to him. He surreptitiously made a gesture with his hand, and the last few moments of sound were relayed into his ear from his own military-issue ThoughtPad.

Diny pinched the bridge of his nose wearily. “All right. First of all, neither cat was vaporised; the transporter doesn’t…”. He paused as he realized that he was about to discuss the Incident with a reporter.

He held up his hand in a placatory gesture. “I’m sorry, but as a civilian contractor, I’m not allowed to discuss ship operations with the media without authorization. You’ll have to find a senior officer, or at least someone who’s not already on the shit list, to get more detail.”

The contractor knew the reporter’s equipment was probably sensitive enough to pick up a mutter, so he subvocalized to himself instead:. Besides, if the Chief Engineer sees the story in the Paypers then I’ve got zero chance of getting in his good books before this ship kills me.

Diny looked up. Initially, he’d found it hot, but that was only normal, coming from a cool environment. Now he’d acclimated, and it was still too warm.

Diny tried to pull up the ship’s interface on his ThoughtPad to check the environmental settings and the ship’s social network WhatsOps. Foxtrot, Charlie, Bravo.

Edited: moved the action outside the Bingo Hall (to not disturb the officers), fixed formatting and minor spelling corrections


Action: Otto awoke early for his first day of duty due to the stifling heat.
“I’m going to be busy giving refreshing haircuts until this gets sorted out!” he cheerfully thought to himself as he dressed in his uniform with a white coat. A white coat with the wrong collar he noted with a twinge.

He made his way to the ships chemistry lab and whipped up some moisturizer spray (an ancient family recipe known colloquially as Uncle Krieger’s Liquid-Lunch Hypno-Spritz) and some Barbicide (blue Curaçao). He also stopped by the ships storeroom & picked up a portable cooling unit, signing it out under Chancre Theraphosworth Ballerino IV marked for personal use as he’d already heard that chap was a bit of a slacker & a player, so probably wouldn’t remember who he’d checked the cooling unit out for. He also post dated it. In triplicate, along with a TPS report which he let slide under the desk.

Once at his new post he put a sterile a pair of scissors, a sterile comb & a crazy straw in the Barbicide and sat in the chair - the wrong chair he winced to himself.

Waiting for his first appointment, he would occasionally take a sip with the crazy straw.

He checked his McGuffin™ email alerter and still nothing…

After a few minutes he scrawled a note on a piece of paper that read “walk-ins welcome & it’s much cooler in here!”, drank the entire first jar of Barbicide, refilled it, and then posted the sign on the bulkhead across from his in full view of anyone who walked down this part of the ship. Then went back to sipping the Barbicide from the crazy straw from time to time enjoying the refreshing cool air while his thoughts drifted to the soothing sounds of dentil drill squeals and Ether disguised as N2O while he absentmindedly & impatiently tap-tap-tapped the Gooey Recruit Fight Song with the pen against the arm of the offending chair.


We hadn’t quite yet. I’ll get all the new players’ background stuff generated when I get home from work. And then mesh everything y’all have done so far to get us started off. :slight_smile:


Character Name: Drumpf

Back story: Very classy guy. Going to make the USS Impetuous great again. Byeautiful ship, but it’s been taken advantage of. I’m going to make it the best ship again. The shiniest.

Self-made guy, I’m the best space businessman, started from nothing. They say I inherited a lot, but you can’t believe what they say. I started with a lot less than they say. And now? Very successful, lots of spacecredits. Made a lot of wormholes, very good. Make the best spacesuits. Golden.

Now, I’ve got nothing against Killbots, I’ve had a lot of great killbots do some great work for me in the past. But they’ve been taking advantage recently. Very smart robots. I like em. But not to be trusted.

I don’t like to mention this, but I have yuge hands. The best hands. Great.


Sorry if I was jumping the gate. First time playing.Will wait until evening.

Same, I just happened to be up at 4a pacific in need of a distraction… my bad.

It’s not too late to throw your (character’s) name in the hat. :smiley:

Thank you to @nimelennar for suggesting I adjust the spoiler tag instructions. It has been done. :smile: And you now have 2 AP.

I’m presently making dinner. I’ll catch up on reading this thread while I’m eating it and get us started shortly after that.

@uphill Personnel file, supplemental.

Name: Maxwell Kerensky
Rank: Civilian Contractor
Species: Humanoid telepath
Backstory: Raised on an android colony
AP: 1

@jamesnsc Personnel file, supplemental.

Name: Otto
Rank: Spambot
Species: Spartan Laugher
Backstory: Raised on an android colony
AP: 1

Oh thank the gods. I was worried we wouldn’t have at least one Spartan Laugher.

@Donald_Petersen Personnel file, supplemental.

Name: Chancre Theraphosworth Ballerino IV
Rank: Lieutenant (Fancy!)
Species: Human
Backstory: Your parents are annoying, well-adjusted members of your species.
AP: 1

Ah, I had forgotten about that trope. LOL

@daneel Personnel file, supplemental.

Name: Drumpf
Rank: Crew
Species: Human
Backstory: Your parents are annoying, well-adjusted members of your species. Who are extremely disappointed in you.
AP: 2

I can’t believe you rolled human on that and rank of crew. I’m almost disappointed you didn’t get Humanoid Telepath. Almost.

##Last time on Space Exploring: Impetuous##

Otto successfully sends a Hair Cut Ad to the entire ship. It doesn’t even once get picked up by the ship Spam Filter, Lieutenant Commander Irrelevant Info, who is busy playing Bingo with the other Officers.

Myron, the friendly Killbot sleeper agent, meets his match: arriving to appointments on time.

And Diny makes the corridor outside the Bingo Hall the only chill place to be on the entire USS Impetuous. Myron and Diny meet. What zany antics will—but, wait.

Chancre has a theory about what’s causing the ship to raise in temperature. Which is currently 24C. Oh my.

And now, the next part. Open for actions. :slight_smile:

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Does the shipboard Spam Filter have it’s own AI, or is it a subsystem of a larger ship-wide AI, or?

The shipboard Spam Filter is a joke on Lt. Commander Data. Like Data, L.C. Irrelevant Info does not have a direct connection to the ship. Previous attempts to install a WIFI card turned … traumatic.