Instincts and their Vicissitudes

Jokes of any kind and the lowest form of wit, bad puns.

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Do they have to be genuine groaners, or are actual good jokes allowed?

I do like jokes with puns. I once told ten different pun-based jokes go my wife hoping she would find at least one that would make her laugh, but no pun in ten did.

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Yes.
 

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May I be frank? I’ll be earnest if you like!

–My Dad :heart:

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A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner if she has any chameleons.

She bursts into tears and says, “I don’t know!”

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How many dull people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

At least two, but there’s probably room for three or four more.

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mi papi taught me a good knock-knock joke:
ok?
you start…

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Right.

Once upon a time, there was a biologist who loved dolphins. He worshipped them, and never wanted them to suffer. Indeed, he never wanted another one to die, ever again. After years of study, he found a compound which might be able to do it. The only trouble was that it had to be extracted from a particular species of bird, which was common in India, but not where he was. But then he discovered that there was one, one in a short drive from where his lab was, in the aviary at the local zoo.

So, one night, he dressed up all in black, to break in after hours.

He wasn’t an idiot, so the first thing he did was to turn off the alarms. Unfortunately, he also turned off many of the locks. Luckily, most of the dangerous animals were asleep, except for one elderly lion, who was still wandering around his cage. He barely even noticed that the gate was open as he wandered through. Even more luckily, though, he was old and tired, and after wandering around the zoo for a bit, he ended laying down and falling asleep. Right across the main door to the zoo.

Meanwhile, the biologist had found the aviary, found the passerenes, and found his bird. He caught it, and was filled with joy at the thought that if his experiments worked, no dolphin ever need die again.

He was so excited, he didn’t even really notice the lion across the doorway, and he stepped over him without thinking.

Immediately he was seized and arrested for transporting a mynah across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

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No Way Wtf GIF by Harlem

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So close to one of my old favorites:
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2, but how did they get in there?

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A guy takes a date to a fancy French restaurant and orders for the both of them the soup du jour (embarrassing his date with his mangled pronunciation of “du jour”).

Within minutes, the waiter arrives with two bowls of the soup du jour. The guy is about to take a bite when he notices a fly in the soup (the menu made no mention of flies in the soup). He calls out to the waiter, embarrassing his date again by calling the waiter garçon. He says to the waiter, “Hey, garçon! What’s this fly doing in my soup!?”

The waiter replies, “It doesn’t appear to be doing anything, sir. In fact, I do believe that it’s dead.”

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Too many people take metamorphic rocks for granite.

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A bulk mushroom grower was stopped while driving to the farmer’s market. He was charged with loose morels. “Don’t worry!” Cried his lawyer. “I will be your champignon!”

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A carbon-13 atom said to a carbon-14 atom, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”

The carbon-14 atom quipped, “Well isn’t that ionic!”

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I usually say “home sweet home” when I come home. I pronounce home in Finnish so actually I say “mold sweet mold”.

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I love puns, and the worse the better. And jokes? Well… I lean more toward humorously twisted observations and ideas. SNL long ago had a regular segment called Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey. Handey is an actual person, a humorist and a writer who for a couple of years contributed much to SNL in the form of their most bizarre skits; wiki can fill you in on those, and which provided these two examples of Handey’s way of thinking:

  • If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
  • The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Then there are these from his book The Stench of Honolulu, which I read on a flight a few years ago. The odd notions stem from the idiot main character’s inspiration while listening to scientists…

  • If Superman ever visited Tarzan, at first they’d get along, but then Superman would finally have to say, “How can you live like this?”
  • When you die you become pure energy, but it’s not what we call a “usable” kind of energy

… when he was having visions after being shot with a psychotropic blow dart…

  • I became a snowflake, drifting slowly to earth. I was different from every other snowflake, and they let me know it.
  • I saw myself being dragged behind a horse by a bunch of rowdy cowboys. I wondered why they were dragging me, then I realized: it was my clean clothes and cheerful attitude.

… and when plotting how to kill a character named Don.

  • Find some phosphorus; rub in Don’s hair. Find some sulfur; rub in Don’s hair. Get Don to strike his head across a rough surface.
  • Steal a baby gorilla from a gorilla family while wearing a Don mask.

Then there’s this from Wil Rogers who must have inspired Jack Handey: “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

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