This is basically the life of anyone who lives off their art. You get hooked on that first high, then you spend most of your life in the trenches hating yourself, but like a battered wife, you keep crawling back, hoping it will be better next time. And sometimes, it is. Sometimes it's one of the most fucking awesome things a human can experience. Sorry to mix the abused spouse/junkie metaphor, but that's the most accurate thing i could come up with.