You should feel relaxed and you should not cramp from it all. If they really go after your trigger points it can hurt like a sonofabitch, or you can get a very gentle massage that is just pleasurable throughout.
I would posit that you have not had a good massage? I have had lots and lots, some are better than others, some are just mechanical and some seem to operate on a subatomic level and massage your very soul. 
If your health insurance covers it, maybe try a few?
This reminds me of several tactics I use, but again only with close friends.
#1: when a friend goes to shake your hand, quickly grab his wrist with both your hands and shake vigorously. When finished remark, ānow its your turnā.
#2: when shaking hands, curl your middle finger into their palm while staring them directly in the eye. Say nothing.
Number three is only for the closest friends.
#3: When going in for a hand shake, and this takes speed and agility, quickly lift your right leg to waist height and force their hand to support your balance by placing it under the knee. Cross your arms and look smug.
I wonder why I donāt get invited to partiesā¦
How long have you been a Freemason?
If Iām feeling super annoying, Iāll lick my palm secretly before shaking their hand. Or if I canāt pull that off, Iāll just lightly shake and tickle their palm with my fingertips.
When Iām being less of an ass, I grab their hand and pull their arm so they lunge towards me, and then I catch them and give a big bear hug. Iām kinda big, so itās no problem to catch people and laugh and squeeze. None of this is for strangers, who can stay the fuck back. This is for friends.
Also, of course, run up and bear hug them and lift them into the air and shake up and down and jump. I love that one.
This takes some preparation, but if you can dunk your hand in ice water then apply a liberal coat of lotion or Vaseline, you can really make people grimace. But I have to work fast since I have good circulation.
Another fun one is if you see them putting a hand out, reach with the wrong hand. Rinse and repeat as long as they keep trying.
My friend Steve would turn around, unzip his fly but leave the button buttoned. Then heād stick his hand down into his pants and out the fly. Then turn around to shake your hand with his newly created outstretched hand-dick. It was hilarious the first 8000 times, then it got old.
Ah, the Harpoā¦
Have you tried the one where instead of gripping their hand, you slide you hand all the way up the arm to their elbow. Almost reminiscent of rolling on a condom.
I love it. And almost anything can be made hilarious by never breaking eye contact.
Yes, the eye contact part is really important.
Heh, Iāve done that. Back in high school with an administrator I wanted to keep off balance. He stuck out his right hand, I stuck out my left, and laced up our fingers and stuck my right hand on my heart while batting my eyelashes at him. I could feel him shudder.
Iām getting back into Scouting (where the handshake is always done with the left hand) and every handshake feels like this at the moment as I try to sort out which hand to use.
Yeah and the further I go down the road with it, the more I realized that people really new to it can be weirded out by it. I went to one workshop where a woman was very new to yoga and had gone to the entirely wrong workshop for her. She was really busy and wanted to destress and this one was very soul searching and not destressing at all. Anyway, not everyone is ready yet for so much depth and it can be offensive if you force it on them. You have to judge if a little extra length in a hug is pushing them a good way or pinging their ātoo muchā meter.
I have had terrible (or just mediocre) massages that were uncomfortable while being given and gave me aching pain afterwards. But Iāve also had amazing massages that relaxed my whole body, made aches and pains disappear, and made parts of my body that I usually ignore feel amazing (my scalp and feet, especially).
Iāve had loads of massage and learning how to get a good one is an art. You have to go in and be able to explain what you want specifically to the massage therapist. Most people will give you a ālight and fluffyā all over massage for your first visit if you donāt go in and say āmy upper back is sore here and I want you focus on that. My psoas is very tender and I need light pressure there. I prefer a lot of pressure.ā If you donāt tell what you want, you get a really bad massage that is safe for the therapist to give because no oneās going to complain about a nice rub down. But, all my massage therapist friends have said that they really cannot accomplish a complete job in one hour. So, if you have hour, itās better to tell them: Donāt waste your time on my legs, Iām all good there. My back. Do that. It takes time to figure out what you want and how to explain it.
A scalp massage is heaven on earth. It is one of the reasons I go to a hair stylist as opposed to a barberāi have almost begged her not to stop.
In all seriousness: butt massage. Holy shit someone that can work the glutes and hips well for all us office sitters? OMG yes!
Never had one. Only ever had one professional massage and it was great, but at the time it was my neck and shoulder blades bothering me. I should go back, the guy was pretty amazing.
I was so sad when the RMT Iād been seen for years moved to a clinic in the 'burbs. No more lunch time massages for me! I tried a couple others since then but none were as good. Iāll try again in a bit, but its sooooo frustrating! Theres one that everyone raves about but she books 6 months in advance!
For you, perhaps. For me it is literally my nightmare. I cannot STAND people touching my head.
