Pornhub shares Hawaii nuke scare fap stats

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Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2018/01/18/pornhub-shares-hawaii-nuke-sca.html

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I am entertained by the spike afterwards, where people rushed to catch up on their delayed masturbatory workload.

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I guess we can add this information to things like the spike in birthrates nine months after a major power failure.

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Fright, flight, fear, and sex illustrated.

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admittedly, I am surprised it wasn’t opposite.

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The lesson: when there’s a missile “coming”, people aren’t.

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You need to get rid of the tension SOMEHOW.

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So not many went for one last wank for old times sake? Huh.

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But not nobody! The drop was 77%, which means that 23% of regular Hawaiian PornHub users were like… “Meh, might as well rub out one more quick one before I’m vaporized!”

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That’s because people understand the difference between a missile and a sonic attack:

In case of Sonic Attack on your district,
follow these rules…
If you are making love, it is imperative to bring all bodies to orgasm simultaneously
Do not waste time blocking your ears
Do not waste time seeking a soundproof shelter…

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And in other news:

IP Address traced to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

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I must say I’m beginning to quite admire Pornhub’s dedication to science.

Is this Coolio’s influence?

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I must admit, their metrics during events is quite fascinating.

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08:09 “Oh my god, we’re all gonna die.” zip up

08:59 “Whew, what a trip, gotta take off the edge.” unzip

09:29 “Jesus, a scare like that really makes you think. Maybe I should reconsider my priorities.” zip up

10:09 “Oh well, fuck it. Here’s to being alive!” unzip

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In the event of a Nuclear war, I plan to go downtown and stand next to a building and make hand puppet shadows.

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smh if you don’t pull out your phone to jerk it the second you see the alert

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Interestingly traffic starts to go up about 20 minutes before the false alarm statement was issued. Possible explanations?

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Pornhub consistently rivals Cambridge Analytica in the quality of its data collection and analysis.

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I always assumed that the action movie cliché where couples, after experiencing a life-threatening event, would immediately have sex, was absurd nonsense. Maybe I was wrong about that…

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Are there sites where you can repent, confess or get reborn online? Could we get statistics for those?

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