Santa Cam knows when you are sleeping AND awake

Originally published at:

Preparing the little ones for the future.


On Christmas day we all rushed downstairs, our excitement glowing on our faces, squeals of delight leaping from our lips. Our moods hit a wall of ice as we approached the tree. Nothing was there. It was as if the Grinch had come in and taken it all. No tinsel, no pop corn garland, no lovingly painted plaster of paris decorations. Just a bare tree with droopy needles and the Santa Cam sitting below it. It’s red eye kept blinking, like Rudolf keeping time with an invisible beat.

Suzy started to cry. Jimmy became angry, cursing, flailing his fists, wondering out loud if this was some sort of sick joke.

“Four long weeks! Four long weeks of my best behavior! For what!? For what!??”

I approached the Santa Cam and kneeled down. I could see my reflection in the doomed plastic. I saw a tear running down my face. I wondered if he was watching now. Watching our sadness. Was he getting some sort of sick pleasure out of this?

Standing up I saw behind the tree was something wrapped in ribbon. It was an old baseball bat with a tag on it. I read the tag with a glimmer of hope that one of us were at least worthy of this token gift, but only found the words, “Too late” written on it.

It was at that time I realized the meaning. The purpose of the Santa Cam. We weren’t supposed to appease it. We weren’t supposed to worship it. We were supposed to destroy it. We were being tested and we failed.


I’m sure Judge Roy Moore would love to give your kid one.


edit nvm read the fine article…

How can parents not find this creepy? How fucked up is the author to think of this, or not think of the implications?


Will there be retraining programs for the Elves on the Shelves put out of work by Santa Cam?


Nah, Santa will just tell them it’s the fault of the brown and yellow elves.

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Who needs an ugly chunk of hardware? Look around folks. It doesn’t take much effort to find a few dozen apps or handy utilities for turning any phone or laptop camera into santa’s little helpers.

I’m with you on this one. Not having grown up with it, my wife and I are even a little skeeved out about the narc on a shelf…

Our kid doesn’t get monitored by an elf.

It’s just a bit too “surveillance state”.


I thought Santa had a subscription for surveillance via Jesus’ Omnipotent Cloud service.

I saw that going a slightly different way.

“We saw the stack of canned goods, and we tried to run to them. We fell in the snow, and we got up and went on, and Benny shoved us away and went at them, and pawed them and gummed them and gnawed at them, and he could not open them. SANTA had not given us a tool to open the cans.”

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